To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Young Lover Could Become a Criminal When He Turns 18
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Shot in the Heart," a 17-year-old young man who was in love with a 15-year-old "girl of his dreams." His 18th birthday was approaching, and he was worried that he and his girl would have to separate because he would be an adult. He asked if there was anything he could do.
You advised that because his girlfriend's parents had not yet objected to the age difference, they probably would not -– and told him to talk to them.
Abby, although your answer had merit and was logical, our laws are not always so.
In this country there are thousands of boys in prison who had this same problem. If he has intimate relations with her, which could be as simple as kissing and touching, he could find himself in prison. The girl or her parents could have a change of heart. All it would take is for them to call the police.
There are many cases of parents allowing their daughter's boyfriend to spend the night, only to report the boy to the authorities later. -- EX-CORRECTIONAL OFFICER WHO HAS SEEN IT ALL
DEAR EX: Thank you for an important letter. The implications are chilling. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Shot in the Heart's" story is a familiar one. Let me tell you what happened to my sister-in-law's nephew, "Nicky."
When Nicky was 17, his girlfriend, "Andi," was 15. Andi's parents liked Nicky and were fully aware of her sexual relationship with him.
Andi was still 15 when Nicky turned 18. Then Andi got pregnant. When she told her parents the news (she felt she had very cool parents and could tell them anything), they filed charges against Nicky because he was now an adult.
The outcome? The ruling of the court was that for the rest of Nicky's life, no matter where he moves, he will be required by law to register as a sex offender. (He is also forbidden to have any contact with Andi, whose parents made her get an abortion.) The law enforcement agency that Nicky registers with is legally required to send out fliers letting Nicky's new neighbors know that a sex offender has moved into their area.
This will follow Nicky for the rest of his life. Everywhere he goes, people will regard him as a sick and evil person. They won't bother to find out the specifics of what occurred.
"Shot in the Heart" needs to consider his future, get counseling, and above all, realize that it could happen to him!
Please Abby, spread the word. People need to be aware. -- FURIOUS IN FLORIDA
DEAR FURIOUS: That girl's parents were as much at fault for what happened as the young man was. That they would turn on him, and that he must now carry the label of "sex offender" for the rest of his life, is wrong.
I have two letters on my desk from men responding to the letter from "Shot in the Heart," relating that they have been happily married for 48 and 50 years, respectively. One man was 22 and the other 18 when they fell in love with their wives, both of whom were in their early teens. However, that was long ago, and times have changed.
TEEN IS READY TO DISENGAGE FROM UNFULFILLING ENGAGEMENT
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been with "Mike" for four years. We became engaged a year ago. This is my first and only long-term relationship. Mike is kind, loving and would do anything for me.
In the beginning I was in love with him, but now I realize that I'm not ready for a serious commitment, especially since I've had no experience dating anyone else. I stopped wearing my engagement ring because I'm not sure I'll ever marry him.
When Mike asked me about the ring, I said, "I bought it, so I can choose when to wear it." (Mike didn't have credit, so we used my credit card, and I make the monthly payments.) I began thinking, "What if?" when another guy I know told me I was cute and asked for my phone number.
I care about Mike and don't want to hurt him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. How can I end this without starting World War III in our families? My parents love him more than they love me, and when he and I argue, I get a guilt trip from them and feel like I have to apologize to him and make everything better.
Sometimes I wish he would break up with me and move out so I don't have to be the one to do it. Mike says I treat him like dirt. Could I be doing it subconsciously? Abby, please help. I want out. -- IN OVER MY HEAD
DEAR IN: What Mike is interpreting as being treated like dirt is your effort –- conscious or otherwise –- to distance yourself from the relationship. It is not abusive to admit that you have made a mistake. The time has come for you to level with Mike and your family, and to tell them plainly that you are not ready for a permanent commitment.
I don't know which of you signed the lease on your dwelling, but the one who didn't should move. And let this be a lesson to you. It appears you were so desperate for commitment from Mike that you were willing to pay for your own engagement ring. So don't blame Mike, and don't blame your parents. You got yourself into this fix, and it's time to accept your responsibility and put things right.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old male, and I have this problem telling the truth. I lie mainly about my grades. I am a good student, but I just don't put forth a lot of effort.
I got a progress report the other day and was failing Spanish with a 67. When my dad asked about my grades, I told him I had gotten a 70 in Spanish because that is a passing grade. When he saw the report, he yelled at me. He was disappointed about the grade but even more so about the lie.
I feel comfortable telling my mom the truth because she and I are really close. But I can't seem to tell my dad the truth, ever. I don't know why. I don't know how to stop lying. Please help me, I'm begging you. -- PINOCCHIO
DEAR PINOCCHIO: You and your father need to work on your relationship. He doesn't trust you because you lie. You lie because you don't trust him enough to honestly discuss your difficulties. Clip this letter, show it to him and tell him you wrote it. You and your father could both benefit from professional counseling to improve your level of communication and resolve your trust issues.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Car Accident Forces Mom to Reorder Her Priorities
DEAR ABBY: I have always believed my home and family are a reflection of me. My spotless home and my children defined me as a success. When an auto accident left me in traction and unable to leave my bed, I learned a new definition of success.
A special neighbor who had recently graduated from college was job-hunting without much luck. Every morning she would come over, get my kids ready for school and clean my house, while I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself.
The one thing I WAS able to do from my bed was talk to my children. I read to them every night at bedtime. For the first time, I listened to them without distraction. I heard them laugh. I held them when they cried. I didn't think about dirty dishes or laundry -- I just thought about THEM. In other words, I was a real mom for the first time in their lives.
When I was finally able to get out of bed and do things for myself, I wrote a long letter of gratitude to my neighbor and tucked it into her pocket as she left. Imagine my surprise when she showed up at my door bright and early the next morning. Over coffee, she tearfully told me how much helping me had meant to her. She had been considering suicide because she didn't feel she had a purpose in life. Helping me gave her a purpose and snapped her out of her depression.
Abby, I have learned many things from this experience. I have learned that smiles on my children's faces are far more important than shiny floors and sparkling windows. I have also learned that giving help is as important as receiving it. My house may not be as clean as it was before, but my children will never have to compete with housework again. -- THANKFUL IN TEXAS
DEAR THANKFUL: Thank you for sharing the insight you have gained. It seems the auto accident was a life-changing experience, not only for you, but also for those around you. I agree, your house may not be as tidy as it was before your accident, but your priorities are now in order, and that's far more important.
DEAR ABBY: My dad died two years ago, leaving my mother alone after 49 years of a wonderful marriage. My sister and I helped Mom move into an assisted-living facility where she has adjusted as well as can be expected.
My dad worked hard, saved well, and left Mom with no financial concerns. Our dilemma is that Mom, a very trusting person, has now befriended a man who is a known con artist. This man has been in severe financial trouble for more than 20 years and has asked Mom for a large sum of money, which she agreed to give him. He also informed her that this sum of money may not be enough to resolve his problems.
Abby, this man has been caught in several lies, but Mom insists she's doing the right thing. We are certain he intends to drain Mom of 50 years of hard work and savings. How can we help her? We need to help her understand this man's true motives. We both love her dearly. -- WORRIED SICK IN ALABAMA
DEAR WORRIED SICK: Warn your mother's attorney about what's going on, and if necessary, call the police. A con man who smells money has as much conscience as a shark who smells blood in the water, and it appears your mother is in over her head. Please don't wait.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)