For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
At Home College Student Bids to Lift Her Weekend Curfew
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Jill," began college near our home a few weeks ago. Jill was on her high school honor roll and was the recipient of numerous academic awards. She holds down a part-time job that enables her to cover her car payment and insurance. She has never been a problem.
Jill recently turned 18, and now she wants to re-negotiate her curfew. She wants to stay overnight at her boyfriend's on weekends.
Jill's father and I told her if she wants to spend the night with her boyfriend, she should move out of our house. But with her attending college this fall, it's not financially realistic.
What should we do, Abby? Let her do what she wants, or insist that she find her own place? We need to give our daughter a final answer and we're counting on you. -- MICHIGAN MOM AND DAD
DEAR MOM AND DAD: Stand your ground. Although your daughter appears to be mature and responsible, I see no reason why you and your husband should compromise your values. Jill must weigh what is more important to her right now -- completing her education under your roof or spending nights at her boyfriend's.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and have a good friend, "Jillian," whose father died from lung cancer six months ago. While her dad was sick, Jillian didn't hang out with us often because she wanted to spend as much time as possible with him while she could.
When Jillian's dad passed away, all her friends and I wanted was to be there for her, but her mom wouldn't let us. Now that Jillian's dad has been gone all this time, her mom still won't let her out of the house for anything other than school. No one ever sees her outside of school -- and during class she looks and acts depressed.
I understand Jillian's mom being protective, but she won't let her daughter answer the phone or even go to the mall with us.
Do you have any advice for me and Jillian's other friends, so we can get her mother to lighten up? It's not like her mom doesn't know us. She's met every one of us, and Jillian says she likes us all. -- FRIENDS OF JILLIAN
DEAR FRIENDS: It appears Jillian is being held captive in her own home. You and your friends should talk to the school counselor or a trusted teacher about your concerns for Jillian -- her depression and her isolation. Her mother may need psychological help to get through the loss of her husband.
DEAR ABBY: How does one acknowledge the birthday of someone who recently had a death in his or her immediate family?
I recently sent a friend a handwritten note that read, "I'm sure you don't feel much like celebrating your birthday, but I wanted you to know I remembered and I'll be thinking of you on your special day."
Yesterday, a mutual friend told me that my note acknowledging her recent tragedy made her feel awful.
What would you have done under similar circumstances? -- FEELING AWFUL, TOO, IN DENVER
DEAR FEELING AWFUL: I probably would have done the same thing you did. Your friend is not herself right now. She's grieving. So take it in stride, pick up the phone, and tell her that you heard your note did not have the desired effect. Then apologize.
Girl Fears Parents' Reaction to News of Her Pregnancy
DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do. This morning I found out that I am pregnant. I haven't told my parents, because I'm scared of their reaction. It's so hard. What are my options? -- ALONE AND TERRIFIED IN COLUMBUS, GA.
DEAR TERRIFIED: You may feel alone right now, but you aren't. If it is at all possible, confide in your mother or another trusted female adult right away. Do not waste any time. You need more support right now than I can give you in this column.
If there is no adult you trust enough to tell, your next best option is to contact Planned Parenthood. The caring and understanding staff will confirm whether or not you are pregnant. They will then explain all of your options to you. They also provide excellent low-cost prenatal care. Planned Parenthood is listed in your phone book.
DEAR ABBY: My 7-year-old, "Richie," attended a birthday party today. Pizza and cake were served, and goodie bags were handed out at the door as the kids left. In the car, on the way home, Richie opened his and found inside a thank-you note from the birthday boy which read, "Thanks for coming to my party and thanks for the great present!"
Abby, I was shocked. My son repeated the words, "Great present? Mommy, he didn't open his presents during the party. How could he know what I gave him was great?"
After my kids' parties, we sit down together and write an individual thank-you card for each gift, and in it my son mentions the particular present. Sometimes we even enclose a photo of the child taken at the party.
In the past, we have received e-mail thank-yous, but never one in a goodie bag sent home the day of the party. Is this tacky or a sign of the times? No name or location, please. We live in a small town. -- OFFENDED IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR OFFENDED: The parent who came up with the idea of a generic thank-you did her son no favor. Writing a gracious thank-you note is an acquired skill -- one with which every child should become familiar as soon as he or she can hold a pen or pencil.
It doesn't have to be long or fancy, but it must be personal and sincere.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Safety Conscious in Northern California," who observed a young child left alone in a car and told another mother instead of calling the police, reminded me of how a friend of mine handled a similar situation.
While driving to work, she saw a child of kindergarten age sitting alone at a bus stop. This went on for several days and she couldn't get him out of her mind, so she decided to take action.
One morning, she stopped her car at the bus stop and asked the boy to give his parents a note. The note said, "I am not a pervert, but I got close enough to your little boy to give him this note. Next time, you might not be so lucky!"
The next morning, and every morning thereafter, that child's mother was waiting with him at the bus stop. -- LOVING KIDS IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR LOVING KIDS: Your friend is an excellent communicator. She sent a message the boy's mother will never forget.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man's Tongue Will Never Trip Over Girlfriends' Same Names
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Wife No. 2 in Texas," who gets upset when her husband slips and calls her by his first wife's name, reminded me of an old boyfriend of mine.
After calling his girlfriend "Diane" by his previous girlfriend's name, he decided it would be easier to only date girls named "Diane." I was Diane No. 2. He is now married to Diane No. 3. -- DIANE NO. 2, IN OHIO
DEAR DIANE THE SECOND: I told "Wife No. 2" to buy some "Hello, My Name Is (___)" stickers and plaster one on her shoulder and one on her nightie, and that would get her message across without being heavy-handed.
Her husband's lapse is very common. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Brains are complicated organs and get "wired" after years of marriage. That old linkage doesn't just disappear, and on rare occasions when a neuron misfires, the old name may get inserted into a sentence. It's unintentional, almost impossible to avoid and doesn't mean a blessed thing. I hope the wife lets go of her resentment and forgives her husband before she damages the relationship. -- BRUCE IN EVANSTON, ILL.
DEAR BRUCE: So do I.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has made these slips of the tongue for almost 35 years. His first wife died long before I met him. I have called him by my first husband's name, too. I think it's only natural.
One of our sons is divorced and remarried, and he has done the same thing. It's just force of habit. My advice to "Wife No. 2" is ... get over it! Don't sweat the small stuff. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT ... MANY TIMES!
DEAR BT, DT, MT: You're right. I have done it too -- and so has MY husband. We laugh about it when it happens.
DEAR ABBY: Until I was 8 years old, I shared a bed with my brother, Arthur. From then on, I slept alone until I was married. On a few occasions, usually when I was half-asleep, I called my beloved young wife Arthur. I'm happy to say she took it with good humor.
You suggested a light-hearted solution, and that's the key. To become furious over such a trivial offense is bad both for her marriage and her health. -- M.L., M.D. IN N.Y.
DEAR DOCTOR L: Laughter is the best medicine. And it's a prescription everyone can afford.
DEAR ABBY: I was raised by parents who often called our female dog by my name, and me by hers because we were always together. I adore my two daughters, but I sometimes draw a blank on their names. It has become a family joke. I am not old or senile, but name confusion is not all that uncommon. And it's certainly not meant to be a slight. -- DERRY, N.H., READER
DEAR READER: It used to happen to me occasionally when I was dating. I know first-hand how embarrassing it can be. The only thing that's worse is to completely draw a blank.
DEAR ABBY: I am Wife No. 4. My husband's first wife and I have the same first name. His second and third also had the same first name. He calls me "Hon." -- LINDA IN COVINGTON, IND.
DEAR LINDA: Now there's a sweet -- and safe -- solution.
DEAR ABBY: I was married for nearly 20 years. I know from experience that what happened to Wife No. 2 is simply the result of a deeply ingrained habit. After my wife and I divorced, I met a wonderful, kind man. We have been together nearly five years. As dearly as I love him, I have called him by my ex-wife's name. -- GAY AND HAPPY IN N.C.
DEAR G AND H: Thank you for some straight talk on a sensitive subject.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)