What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
RIGHT QUESTIONS HELP ENSURE COUPLE'S CHANCES FOR HAPPINESS
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your suggestions to "Young Lady Who Needs to Know in Memphis," who asked what important questions should be asked before marriage to ensure a happy union. You listed such subjects as monogamy, emotional and financial independence, child-rearing and discipline, compatible career goals, sex, religion and politics.
I agree with those recommendations, but I think someone should ask: Have you had previous sexual experience?
If the answer is no, this is important information. If the answer is yes, further discussion regarding safe sex, HIV testing, birth control, etc., should ensue, which may also prompt another important question: "Have YOU?" -- M.D. IN HILLSBOROUGH, CALIF.
DEAR DOCTOR: If the couple does not already know that information, I agree, that is another important question. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a pastor who regularly provides premarital counseling to couples who are considering marriage, I would like to say that the "questions" you ask each other are not so important. It's how you LISTEN to each other and the ways in which you communicate your opinions, philosophies and feelings for each other that are most important.
Most often it's not the subject that causes disagreements in marriages, although the issues are always blamed as the cause for the disagreements. Rather, it is the lack of ability to openly and honestly communicate about a variety of subjects, and the inability or unwillingness to really listen and hear each other that causes marital discord.
May God continue to bless your ministry, Abby. -- REV. ANN T. FEW, NEW HOLLAND, PA.
DEAR ANN: Thank you for your kind words. Readers, listen up! There is much wisdom in the reverend's letter.
DEAR ABBY: Having been through one divorce and, fortunately, a much happier second marriage, I would like to share some thoughts on another topic that should be addressed before marriage.
It is: How does he or she and his or her family spend each and every holiday and birthday? This is something that will affect you for the rest of your life. -- HAPPILY REMARRIED IN OREGON
DEAR REMARRIED: That's another good one.
DEAR ABBY: You omitted some important questions from your list. May I add a few?
Have you or anyone in your family suffered from mental illness? Borderline personality disorder? Addictions? Trouble with the law? And most important -- do you get along with his or her mother? -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR B.T., D.T. IN S.D.: I agree. Asking about skeletons in the closet would be wise. At that point, both parties should be prepared to "shake the family tree."
DEAR ABBY: I have been a family mediator for more than 20 years. The one topic I would rank near the top of the list of questions that should be discussed is financial compatibility.
Disagreements over financial matters rank as one of the most frequent causes of divorce. If more couples had a mutual understanding of how they plan to earn, save and spend money, it would go a long way in reducing the divorce rate. -- SHIRLEY P. SEYMOUR, ESQ., POTOMAC, MD.
DEAR SHIRLEY: Right. Mutual goals go a long way toward keeping a couple together.
Teen Unhappy as Full Time Host for Foreign Relative
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and come from a big family. About a month ago, some relatives came to the United States and they're living with us for a while. They have two kids -- a girl a year older than I and a boy two years younger (I'll call him Joe).
My dad is constantly pushing me to play with Joe and include him in everything I'm doing. Usually I'm OK with it, but sometimes I just want to be alone to think or read or spend time with friends my age.
Wherever I go, Joe follows me. He doesn't understand English very well, so it's hard to explain that I need time away from him. If I talk to my mom or dad about it, they call me selfish and say I should let Joe come with me. I like Joe, but I don't want him with me ALL the time! Am I being selfish? What should I do, Abby? -- WANT TO BE ALONE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR WANT TO BE ALONE: Look at it this way: Joe is a stranger in a country and culture that's new to him. He is surrounded by people with whom it's difficult to communicate. He must feel very uprooted and alone. Try to get him involved in activities -- like sports -- where language is not so important. That way, he will meet kids his own age and have a chance to excel. It will give you time to yourself, and he won't be so dependent upon you.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jeanine," and three grandchildren ages 6, 7 and 9 live with my husband and me. Jeanine pays us $25 a week for rent and buys some of the groceries. She works in a convenience store part time and takes some college classes.
I am happy to help my daughter and pay tuition to a private school for the grandkids. However, our utilities have skyrocketed since she and the children moved in two years ago. Jeanine has a bank account, and last week I looked at her checkbook. I was shocked to see that she gives her church $50 to $60 a week. She has also written a check for $2,000 to the same church.
I confronted Jeanine when she got home and things have not been the same since. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but shouldn't she give more toward this household than she contributes to the church? -- FEELING USED IN MACON, GA.
DEAR FEELING USED: In this case, absolutely. But it won't happen unless you put your foot down and make it clear that she must. I'm all for contributing to the church, but charity begins at home, and that means paying a fair share of household expenses.
DEAR ABBY: My wife is seven months pregnant. This is her first child. (I have a 9-year-old son from my first marriage.) Like most expectant parents, we've been looking through baby books for names and have run into a problem.
My wife and I would like to name our baby after me if it's a boy, but we're unsure if that's a no-no because of my oldest son. My first wife had no interest in naming our son after me. Would it be OK to give our baby the "Junior" title, or should we continue to search for another name? -- NEW DADDY AGAIN
DEAR NEW DADDY: As long as "Junior" hasn't been used before, I see no reason why you shouldn't name the baby after you. However, a word to the wise: Include your 9-year-old in the naming process if possible. It will give him "ownership" and head off any possible resentment.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
RUDE LADY AT CONCESSION STAND SHOULD PUT HER MOUTH IN PARK
DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old son came home from his job working at the concession stand at a movie theater and said that a woman customer had told him he would never achieve success in life. When I asked why someone would say such a horrible thing, he replied, "She asked me for an extra empty popcorn bag, and I told her I wasn't allowed to give them out."
Don't you think that nasty woman should have taken it up with management instead of saying such a cruel thing to a kid who was just doing his job? My son happens to be hearing-impaired and also has epilepsy. He has won gift certificates for the past three consecutive months for making the most sales of all the concession workers.
My son ALREADY is a success -- in spite of her vicious mouth. What's wrong with people like this? -- PROUD OF MY KID IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PROUD: Immaturity and cowardice. The woman was out of line to take her frustration out on your son. She didn't call the manager because she didn't have the nerve.
This world would be a better world if people only stopped and thought twice before spewing poison out on others. It takes so little effort to give someone a boost instead of a knock. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I want to address my comments to a wonderful young man who tossed a football with my dad just before Father's Day in Girsh Park in Goleta, Calif.:
My dad is 75. He played football in college, but has not played for many, many years. When he saw you and your pal tossing the football in the park, I watched him look on with envy. I asked him if he wanted to play, and he said yes. When I asked you if you'd toss the ball with him, you kindly agreed. You spent some time playing catch with him even though he can't throw the ball like he used to -- and he can't catch like he used to, either. You even assured him YOUR throwing was bad when he flubbed a catch.
Your tossing the ball with my dad meant the world to him. Not only did he talk about it all through dinner that night, but even now he talks about how he threw the ball again.
We were in the park that day for my daughter's birthday. My parents had driven up from Los Angeles to be with us as we needed to be together as a family.
What you didn't know was that Dad had been diagnosed with cancer the week before. The doctors hope to shrink the tumor before operating. Dad has now started chemotherapy and radiation and will undergo extensive surgery in a few weeks.
My mom and I are so grateful to you for stopping your own activity to spend some time with a 75-year-old man who needed it. May you always be blessed with the same kindness you showed my dad. -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTER IN SANTA BARBARA
DEAR GRATEFUL DAUGHTER: Your letter says it all. We rarely know the circumstances of the people we meet in life. My thoughts and prayers are with your father.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to send a message to the blond woman driving the black Lexus with MA plates 86V
*: "Hang up your cell phone, put down the bagel, place both hands on the steering wheel and pay attention to the road. My life and the lives of other commuters depend on it!" -- MOTORCYCLIST IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MOTORCYCLIST: Your message applies to many thousands of drivers -- female and male. A distracted driver is as much of a menace as one who is under the influence or overtired.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)