For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Marriage Founders as Wife and Husband Drift Slowly Apart
DEAR ABBY: I love my husband very much. "Gary" and I have been together for 11 years. However, he seems to be less and less interested in me. We no longer spend time alone together.
Gary works long hours, so it's rare when we share a meal together. Every night before he comes home from his shift, he stops at the local diner and sits with his friends for an hour or so.
When we DO go out, Gary insists we patronize this same diner, so his buddies can sit and join us.
Recently, my husband had surgery. It has temporarily limited his physical activities. He claims to be in too much pain to do anything -- or go anywhere -- with me. But if one of his diner buddies invites him to go somewhere, he's up and out of the house in a heartbeat.
Abby, do I have a legitimate beef? Or should I leave our marriage "as is" and accept it? -- LONELY ON LONG ISLAND
DEAR LONELY: You are being isolated. A successful marriage must be worked on by both parties. If you don't speak up now, you and your husband will continue to drift further apart. So, speak up and tell him that you are concerned about your lack of communication, and offer him the option of marriage counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I am a professional in my mid-20s and have met a great guy over the Internet. I'll call him Randy. Randy is in the military and stationed in Japan. The two of us have been e-mailing and calling each other daily for the past seven months.
Randy will return home next month and we plan to meet for the first time. Neither of us knows what to tell our parents about our Internet romance. I know for a fact that my mom and dad will not approve of my meeting someone in this fashion. But how else can Randy and I explain the "sudden" seriousness of our relationship? -- GENERATION X-ER IN CHICAGO
DEAR GEN-X-ER: I see no reason for either of you to be ashamed about how you met. Many people meet via the Internet these days and form successful unions. Granted, no one should make a decision in haste, but the Internet can be a useful tool in getting to know someone.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is struggling with melanoma. Sadly, I have become extremely familiar with the warning signs, which include moles that are unevenly shaped, a mole that's a different color than the others, or spots that are inflamed or irritated.
Abby, when I see a suspicious spot or mole on a stranger, is it appropriate for me to suggest that he or she be examined by a dermatologist? A young woman sat next to me at a baseball game recently. I wanted to say something to her, but didn't want to offend her or be intrusive.
The truth is, a simple checkup could save a life. What do you think? -- SKIN SLEUTH IN DELAWARE
DEAR SKIN SLEUTH: By all means say something to a stranger if you think it's necessary. When you do, explain WHY you felt it was important to tell him or her. Suggest the person go for a checkup, but do it privately if possible.
I hope your mother is doing well and has a good outcome.
DEAR ABBY: "Wants a Life in Virginia" implied that her husband's diabetes had led to irresponsible, irrational, and even violent behavior. While I sympathize with the wife and her family's problems with him, blaming diabetes for his behavior is both a mistake and medically inaccurate. It only adds to the discrimination and stigmatization faced by people with diabetes, as well as those at risk for it.
Unfortunately, it is still a common misconception that diabetes can bring about irrational and reckless behavior. I am president-elect of the Diabetes Association, and we hope you will let your readers know that people with diabetes should not be considered any more likely to be irresponsible, hostile or violent because of their disease. Perpetuating this myth does a great disservice to the entire diabetes community and the millions affected by this disease.
Today, diabetes affects at least 17 million Americans -- almost one out of every 10 adults. It is the nation's fifth-deadliest disease, killing more than 210,000 individuals each year. The majority of people with diabetes work hard to manage their disease and lead active, healthy and productive lives. Every day they balance their food intake with activity and the treatments recommended by their health-care providers. Until a cure is found, they must shoulder the constant obligation of managing their disease. It is one that requires diligence, patience and remarkable will. -- EUGENE J. BARRETT, M.D., PhD.
DEAR DR. BARRETT: Thank you for setting the record straight. Today you have not only educated my millions of readers, you have also taught me an important lesson. Although I did not say that the man's behavior was related to his illness, I'm sorry I didn't challenge the writer's incorrect assumption.
DEAR ABBY: I had a similar problem as "Muddling Through in Minnesota, who was graduating from high school and wasn't sure whom to invite because her mother despises her stepmother.
My parents are also divorced, and so are my favorite aunt and uncle. None of them had spoken for more than 12 years. However, at age 33, I was finally graduating from college, and since it was "my" graduation, I decided to invite them all. I made clear to everyone who else I was inviting so they had the option of declining my invitation.
Guess what? Everyone came! And they brought their new "significant others" with them. Afterward, at the party in my home, they were laughing and talking like old times -- catching up with each other's lives.
A few days later, they called and thanked me for ending the "old and worn out" animosities. -- HAPPY GRADUATE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HAPPY GRADUATE: You are obviously an important part of these relatives' lives. How wonderful that all of them could be present to celebrate your success. Congratulations on all fronts. I have always said, "When in doubt, invite everyone." Whether or not they choose to attend then becomes THEIR problem.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Couple Regrets Accepting Role as Guardians of Sister's Kids
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dan," and I have been married for 10 years. We are childless by choice and happy with our decision. Recently, at a family gathering, Dan's sister put us on the spot by asking us to be the guardians of her two small children should anything happen to her and her husband.
Dan agreed without discussing it with me, and I was furious. The whole thing made me very uncomfortable. We talked it over, and Dan confided that he wasn't comfortable with it either. However, he thinks we shouldn't worry about something that probably won't happen.
Abby, if something DID happen to my sister-in-law and her husband, it certainly wouldn't be the right time to announce that Dan and I had changed our minds about caring for their kids. Dan and his sister come from a large family, so there's no shortage of more qualified candidates.
What should I do? Should I go along with my husband on this or put a stop to it now? -- RELUCTANT GUARDIAN ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR RELUCTANT: You and your husband MUST tell his sister and her husband that after giving it careful thought, you are unable to make the kind of commitment for which they are asking. Explain that you are honored they asked you, and will make sure the children are provided for -- but you cannot be the primary caregivers.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old mother of two little girls and a teenage stepson. This is my second marriage. It has lasted eight unhappy years, but I've stuck it out. My husband and I went to counseling and tried all the things you do when a relationship is failing; nothing has worked.
Recently, I started calling "Paul," my high school sweetheart, and things are blooming. We are both unhappy in our marriages. We have told each other we don't want to give up what we have -- only because we're both secure and comfortable.
Paul and I haven't seen each other since we were 18. (We live on opposite coasts.) So far, all we've done is talk on the phone, but things are definitely heating up. What now, Abby? -- UNHAPPY EAST COAST WIFE
DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE: Now it's time to realize that you are no longer 18 -- and teenage romances are highly idealized. It is also time to tally up what you both have to lose, should this progress into an affair. Before you make an irrevocable mistake, and in fairness to both of your spouses, go to another counselor and try to get your marriage back on track. This may not be what you want to hear, but it's the best advice I can offer.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's parents are wonderful people whom I've grown to love in the 12 years I've been married to their son. The problem is, every time we go out to dinner or stay overnight somewhere, they insist on paying for everything.
My in-laws have three grown children with good jobs. But every time the check arrives, it becomes a major fight.
Last weekend, my husband and I took his folks on an overnight trip for their anniversary. They knew ahead of time that it was our gift and we were going to pay. However, when we checked out, the desk clerk told us the rooms had "already been taken care of."
How should we handle this in the future, Abby? Should we give up and allow Mom and Pop to pay all the time? -- TIRED OF IT IN POMPANO BEACH, FLA.
DEAR TIRED OF IT: Probably. Your in-laws regard you and your husband as "the kids." They can afford it, and they still see their role to be providers. I'm sure they mean no offense, but they probably don't realize how heavy the burden of gratitude can weigh after a while. Since you cannot change them, rather than cause a scene, accept graciously and let it go.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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