For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I met "Racquel" at work and we quickly became close friends. We go out, talk on the phone and share our feelings daily. I have fallen in love with her, and tell her often how much she means to me. I feel ready to take the next step and officially become girlfriend and boyfriend.
Racquel tells me she "isn't sure" where our friendship will lead, and that she is still getting over her ex. (Their relationship ended more than a year ago.)
Last week, she went to her ex's house and they had sex. She told me after it happened and said she knew right away she had made a mistake -- and realized what a true friend I am.
Abby, we cried together. Should I forgive her and hang onto the hope she will now want to have a serious relationship with me? -- SO IN LOVE IT HURTS
DEAR SO IN LOVE: Forgive her, but realize that when she confided what happened, she told you exactly how she feels about you. She considers you to be a "true FRIEND."
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but it appears you are not going to have the romantic relationship with her that you would like.
DEAR ABBY: Last Saturday afternoon, I attended a cousin's baby shower hosted by our "Aunt Flo." It was held at a local restaurant, and Flo provided the cake and decorations. The guests were expected to pay for their own meals and drinks.
The invitation revealed nothing about this arrangement. Those of us attending didn't find out until we called to RSVP. It seems unfair to burden guests with this cost, when they are also paying for a baby gift -- not to mention travel expenses for those who came from out of town.
Not wanting to disappoint the mom-to-be, I attended -- even though the afternoon ended up being a big strain on my budget. What do you think about this, Abby? -- INDIGNANT OR IGNORANT IN IOWA
DEAR I OR I: Aunt Flo did not "host" the shower -- she simply arranged it. When a no-host party invitation is issued, it should clearly state that guests will be expected to pay their own way.
DEAR ABBY: During the last 20 years of my husband's career, he was involved with a woman at work. They went to lunch, shopping and company parties. She was heavyset and wore garish makeup. I am tall, slender and don't need makeup. People who know me refer to me as a "no-nonsense" woman. I have my own business and have traveled the world promoting my artwork.
Once my husband took some of my custom-made jewelry to work to show his "gal pal." When he came home, he told me her comment was, "It looks like cheap costume jewelry."
After my husband retired and became ill, this woman came to our home and told me to my face that although she could, she would never take a man from his family. I said, "Go ahead -- take him!"
He's been ill now several years, and she has finally quit sending him two to three cards a day. He misses her terribly. His girlfriend should not have dropped him, but she did. So after 42 years of marriage, he's just got me. -- STEADY AS A ROCK IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STEADY: I'd say your husband is the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. A lot of other wives would have said they deserved each other and walked out.
People Caught in Layoffs Need All the Support They Can Get
DEAR ABBY: After having been laid off from work and talking to other people in the same boat, I have discovered that many of us share similar experiences. With our economy what it is, I would like to offer some suggestions on how to help the unemployed through a difficult time:
(1) Because the individual seems OK doesn't mean he or she really is. Being laid off is traumatic. There are bound to be major adjustments and self-doubt. The tendency is to keep emotions bottled up. Be there for them. Your support can make all the difference.
(2) Call or visit regularly. Someone who's unemployed can feel isolated. Unless you've been through it yourself, you have no idea how lost and useless a person feels. Someone taking time out of his or her busy schedule to call, e-mail or visit can mean the world.
(3) Just because money may be tight, don't be afraid to extend an invitation to go out together. If money is an issue, offer to treat -- or do something that doesn't cost anything.
(4) Don't be afraid to ask how things are going. Job hunting can be discouraging and frustrating. It's a relief to be able to vent!
(5) If you promised to look out for job opportunities, please keep your word. He or she can use all the help you can give. Also, a personal referral might be just the ticket to get a foot in the door. (Especially now, when employers receive hundreds of resumes for every opening.) On the flip side, do not refer the person for just any job. Be sure it suits the individual's background and is what he or she is seeking.
(6) Don't think that because the person hasn't found something right away, he or she is lazy. It takes some people a year -- or more -- to find another job. Do not be judgmental.
(7) Appreciate your own job, even on the bad days, because it could be worse -- YOU could be the one laid off! If it could happen to me, it could happen to you. -- SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE
DEAR SOMEONE: Thank you for a terrific letter filled with practical and sensitive advice. Many individuals have found themselves out of work through no fault of their own, and often they become isolated because their friends feel awkward or don't realize they need emotional support.
DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Jennifer," is being married next month. She and her mother (my sister) have a strained relationship due to her mother's substance abuse and addictions. For this reason, I have acted as my niece's surrogate mother for the last 20 years.
Jenny invited her mother to the wedding, but asked her to come sober or not to show up. If my sister attends her daughter's wedding, how should she be treated as the mother of the bride in regards to seating, photos, etc.? -- FULLERTON, CALIF., AUNT
DEAR AUNT: Your sister should be seated with family, not necessarily at the head table. She should be included in at least one family photo and one with the bride and groom. It's the respectful and compassionate thing to do.
In case the bride's mother shows up "under the influence," arrangements should be made beforehand for her to be escorted out and safely transported back to her dwelling.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DEAR ABBY: We recently learned that our daughter was molested at a very early age in the 1970s. It went on for nearly a year. We never realized how profoundly molestation affects a child. I had heard it was an awful thing, but I never knew the secrecy, the pain, the shame, the guilt, and how the victims are groomed by their predators. They live in a secret world by themselves -- brokenhearted, in loneliness and fear. They try to run faster than their pain -- and some don't know why because it has been blocked from their memory.
I have heard that four out of 10 women have been molested as children. This is a huge number. There are plenty of victims, but guess what? No predators! They are all "innocent," and protected by families who hide it because they don't know how to handle the problem. They are protected by a gray area of "uncertainty." It remains that way because the authorities are never called to investigate. The parents of the molested child are threatened with a nasty lawsuit. Then the whole family turns against the parents and the victim in order to protect the "sick" one and their own reputations.
Everyone -- individually and collectively -- sticks their head in the sand and refuses to deal with it. Statutes of limitations run out. An unbelievable amount of pressure is put on the parents by the family. Then it is dismissed because "it happened a long time ago."
Meanwhile, as the years pass, the victim becomes progressively more mentally, physically and emotionally sick. She's in and out of hospitals and always on medication. Because now the victim has been rejected and betrayed all over again. If he is "innocent," then she must be "guilty" by default, which reinforces what he told her as a child -- that it was all her fault to begin with.
The burden placed on her shoulders becomes unbearable. And the closer the extended family, the more profound the rejection. Her worst nightmare has come true. Finally, she becomes so physically sick and unnerved that she has a breakdown. She has a hard time finding where "she" is inside herself. The medicines she must take are depressants themselves.
Abby, we struggle every day. I know of four other families where similar molestation, rejection and denial have occurred. Families should wake up to the problem. It's time to bring it out of the closet. I hope you will print some of this letter.
I sign for her ... I DO HAVE A FACE, I DO HAVE A NAME, EVERY CITY, U.S.A.
DEAR I DO: You have written eloquently of a problem that, according to my mail, is widespread and often covered up. I hope your letter will encourage more victims of molestation to pick up the phone and report the crime. And to their extended families: As much as you might be appalled at the charges, molestation -- regardless of when it occurred -- is a serious crime. The victims need all the support they can be given.
DEAR ABBY: Please settle a bet between my mother and me. I say the engagement ring should be worn at the base of the finger, with the wedding band on the outside. Mom says it's the other way around. Who is right? A $5 bill is riding on your answer. Thanks, Abby. -- MOTHER/DAUGHTER DUO IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR DUO: You owe your mom $5. The wedding band is supposed to be worn on the inside -- closest to your heart -- with the engagement ring serving as a "guard" for it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)