To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Day Care Kids Leave Calmly When Provider Plans Ahead
DEAR ABBY: As a child-care provider for many years, I would like to offer some advice to "Child-Care Pro in New Jersey," who is stumped about what to do when Mom (or Dad) comes to pick up the children and they start acting up.
Sometimes children are confused about how to act when their parent arrives. The day-care provider can help by beginning to discuss ahead of time what will be said the minute Mom or Dad arrives. "Let's tell Mom about that neat picture you made today," or, "Tell Mom how you used good words to tell Jeff how you felt instead of hitting him."
When Mom walks in the door, be ready with positive things to say. She is probably mentally and physically tired at that point and needs all the help she can get to make it a good transition.
I agree with you, Abby, the child-care provider should step in if the children begin acting up -- and the children should be warned that you'll use discipline if you need to. If the moment Mom walks in, the adults begin talking among themselves, that's the time kids act up. Mom should be told you'll call her later with any news. This is a kid's time to talk to Mom. -- LOVES KIDS IN OREGON
DEAR LOVES KIDS: Those are good suggestions, and thank you for them. Now let's hear it from some other child-care professionals:
DEAR ABBY: Having worked in child care more than 20 years, the best advice I can offer is this: When the misbehaving starts, ask the parent, "Would you like to handle this or do you want me to?" That way, you acknowledge the misbehavior and the fact that it must be dealt with, without undermining the parent.
Waiting until the next day to discipline the child would serve no useful purpose. -- ANOTHER PRO IN HENDERSON, TENN.
DEAR A.P.: I agree.
DEAR ABBY: It is not unusual for children to act up when the parents arrive. Here's how I handle it:
I talk to the children about their behavior before their parents get here. I have them ready to go so there's no chance for them to misbehave. And I offer them a reward -- like a healthy snack -- to take with them if they get ready to go without a fuss. -- BEEN THERE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BEEN THERE: Way to go! I see nothing wrong with providing an incentive for good behavior.
DEAR ABBY: Since I was a kid I've loved basketball. I've played it since the fourth grade, and now I'm planning to participate in the Special Olympics. My goal is to become a professional player. Mom always told me that whatever I hope to achieve, I can make it happen. All I have to do is put my mind to it and not give up. The possibilities are endless.
When people out there tell me I'm stupid or an idiot, I respond by saying that I have good coping skills and a lot of potential. I like myself and I care about others.
My message to anyone with a disability is this: Tell yourself you can be an achiever and say to yourself, "I'm going to make something of myself" -- and it will happen. -- DETERMINED TO SUCCEED IN TACOMA
DEAR DETERMINED: Thank you for sharing your philosophy. It applies to everyone, not just people with disabilities. A person who has a goal to pursue is far better off than a person who has none.
Your mother deserves to be commended for being a terrific role model and teacher. Give her a hug for me.
Man Who Won't Discuss Past Could Wreck Fiancee's Future
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a few months. Ted is 20 and I am 22. He tells me he has "no past," and refuses to discuss it.
From what I hear from his friends, Ted has tried everything in his 20 years of life -- drugs, sex, alcohol, wild parties. They say he has talked about numerous one-night stands without protection, and that he was even involved in group sex with eight other guys and one female. (Again, without protection.) For all I know, he may even be a father. He also refuses to be checked for STDs.
Am I right for wanting to know how many sexual partners Ted has had? I am still a virgin. When I try to talk to him about this he clams up. Can I trust him? -- JITTERY IN JACKSONVILLE
DEAR JITTERY: Absolutely not. Your intuition is warning you. Anyone, male or female, who has had even one unprotected sexual contact should be tested for STDs. If what his friends are saying is true, your fiance is reckless and immature. He has exposed himself to diseases that could destroy your ability to have children -- or even kill you. I urge you to discuss this with your doctor. I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is that you know your fiance's health status before this goes any further. You have a right to that information.
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away five years ago. I have a table and chairs that belonged to my grandparents that were given to me by Mom before her death. (They meant a great deal to her.)
Because the set was passed down to me, must I keep it? The base of the table is still good -- but would it be blasphemous to remove the top and replace it?
The same goes for the chairs. They're in bad shape. Should I go to the expense of having them repaired and refinished -- or is it OK to get rid of them? And if I do, what can I tell any family member who asks? Thanks, Abby. -- TRASH-OR-TREASURE IN THE TWIN CITIES
DEAR T-OR-T: Stop feeling guilty. Since you do not like or want the "heirlooms," offer them to other family members who might like to have them and restore them. One man's trash is another man's treasure (and vice versa).
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hank," and I are in our late 20s and have been married five years. We have two children. On the surface everything is great; however, our marriage is falling apart because of my husband's addiction to pay-per-view pornographic movies. Hank doesn't understand why the $600 he spent on these dirty movies over the past year has affected me. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, which makes me feel inadequate as a wife. We're also trying to save money for a house.
I cringe each month when I open the cable bill -- and each month we have the same discussion that goes nowhere. Tonight I told Hank if he continues his habit it would end our marriage. He said, "Whatever. I'm not having this conversation now." What can I do, Abby? -- HAD IT WITH HANK
DEAR HAD IT: Encourage your husband to accompany you to marriage counseling -- and hope that he will "open up." As things stand, your marriage is dying. He has substituted movies for a real relationship with you. Unless a compromise can be worked out, you will both remain unhappy.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He has cheated on me more times than I can count. I love him and want to make things work, but lately he hasn't wanted to spend any time with me. We'll meet somewhere and he'll ask me for money. When I give it to him, he leaves right away, and I won't see him again until he needs more. I feel obligated to give him the money because we have a child together.
I am only 20 and have my whole life ahead of me. I don't know whether to throw in the towel or hope for the best and maybe things will change. I hate being alone. Deep down, I don't trust him and feel like he's using me. -- HURTING IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR HURTING: That lack of trust is your survival instinct. Your young man is nobody's boyfriend. He is a serial cheater and a user.
I urge you to see a lawyer, and establish paternity, custody and financial support for your child.
There is nothing lonelier than being in love all by yourself. Consider this: If you end this relationship, you'll have the possibility of meeting a man who is worthy of your love. So get going -- and don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter, "Beth," has been anorexic since she was 13. She is now 18 and doing much better. However, she's not completely over it.
Beth had to quit school in her junior year because of her eating disorder. Since then, she's put on weight and has made every effort to get back to the way she was before she developed anorexia.
Her granddad and I are proud of the fact that she just completed her G.E.D. (general equivalency diploma), and we'd like to host a graduation party for her, but don't know if it's the right thing to do. Is it? We would appreciate a speedy reply. -- CARING GRANDPARENTS
DEAR CARING GRANDPARENTS: I see no reason not to have a party to celebrate your granddaughter's G.E.D. Ask her if she would like you to invite some of her old school friends. It is a symbol of your love and encouragement, and I'm sure she will appreciate it.
DEAR ABBY: I want to share with you and your readers something I did for my parents a few years ago for Mother's Day and Father's Day. I made them both a "thank-you" book.
I purchased a small photo album for each of them, and on every page I pasted an index card. On each card I wrote down one special thing that my folks had done for me.
"Thank you for building our beloved cabin with your own hands on Sebago Lake."
"Thank you for making us homemade ice cream so often."
"Thank you for helping me understand how important family is."
Abby, both parents told me it was the best gift they had ever received. -- PATTY BUCK, FALMOUTH, MAINE
DEAR PATTY: I'm not surprised. A meaningful gift does not have to be expensive. The thought behind it is what makes it a priceless treasure.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)