Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sufferers of Eating Disorders Can Get the Help They Need
DEAR ABBY: I was deeply touched by the letter from "Fed Up in Fort Myers, Fla.," regarding a young girl affected by her mother's bulimia. The children at school call her cruel names, and so does her mother.
Eating disorders are widespread illnesses that affect all segments of society. They may affect not only the body, but also the mind -- and appropriate treatment is necessary.
Abby, I would like to invite your readers to contact the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) for free resources and referrals.
Through our hotline and response to mail and e-mail inquiries, ANAD provides counsel and information to thousands of anorexics, bulimics, compulsive eaters, their families, and also the health-care community in all parts of the globe. Our referral list includes more than 1,500 therapists and inpatient/outpatient programs in the United States, Canada and several other countries, including Great Britain, Germany, Australia, New Zealand, France, Italy, Spain, Mexico, Colombia and more. -- VIVIAN HANSON MEEHAN, PRESIDENT, ANAD
DEAR VIVIAN: Thank you for the information. After I printed the letter from "Fed Up," I received hundreds of others from readers of both sexes peppering me with questions about eating disorders.
Readers, if you or someone you know needs help or information, ANAD can be contacted by phone: (847) 831-3438; fax: (847) 433-4632; e-mail: anad20(at)aol.com; or the Web site: www.anad.org. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Fed Up," the 13-year-old girl whose mother is bulimic and who is ridiculed in school by other kids because she is overweight.
I was trained in another country to become a teacher. Our psychology teacher explained to us that, since parents cannot be present in school to protect their children, it is therefore the teachers' and the principal's full responsibility to protect the students from physical and emotional abuse by other students.
I am one of many educators who believe that it is the parents' responsibility to discipline their children and teach them proper social conduct. That said, this is how I handle my responsibility:
Every year on the first day of school I present the rules of conduct in my class to the new students. I tell them that I expect everyone to behave and respect each other.
I tell them that I am well aware that some children like to call names and hurt other children's feelings, but I do not tolerate this kind of behavior. I say, "If anyone hits you or hurts your feelings -- tell me immediately." I will call the parents of the abusive student and tell them what their child did, and that I will not admit their child in my class the next day unless accompanied by one of his/her parents. I expect the parent to sit in our classroom the entire day and make sure that his/her child does not hurt anyone.
I then ask the students, "How many of you think your mother or father will have the time to sit in our class the whole day?" No one raises a hand. No student ever dares to abuse another student in my class.
I hope that child's letter will cause people to think and change the discipline policies that exist in many U.S. schools -- and I hope that other caring teachers and principals will follow my psychology teacher's instructions and prevent abusive students from hurting helpless students. -- RETIRED TEACHER IN ATLANTA
DEAR TEACHER: If there were more teachers like you, I would not receive the hundreds of heartbreaking letters I do from students who are harassed, bullied and taunted by their classmates. Orchids to you.
Teen Should Beware Giving Girlfriend's Baby His Name
DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old son, "Jeff," has a 17-year-old girlfriend, "Connie," who is pregnant -- but not with his child. Jeff has decided he will sign the birth certificate to give the baby our last name. (The real father wants nothing to do with Connie or the baby.)
I have no say in this matter. Her parents know all about the pregnancy but don't see it as a problem. In fact, they have decided not to tell other family members that my son isn't the father.
When I try to warn Jeff about what he's getting into, he cuts me off and says, "It'll all be OK, Mom." Abby, my son is making a lifetime financial commitment and can't begin to appreciate the whole picture. He assumes that Connie's folks will "take care of everything."
I am at my wit's end. Any advice you can offer would be deeply appreciated. -- FRANTIC IN IDAHO
DEAR FRANTIC: Take your son to an attorney immediately. Let the lawyer explain what Jeff's obligations will be if he abets this deception. Your son appears to be idealistic and romantic. However, he should not declare paternity for a child that is not his. It's unfair to the child -- and lets the biological father off the hook.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old girl and have a problem with my parents. When I was younger, I could talk to them about anything and everything. They respected my decisions and supported me whenever they could -- until I reached junior high.
At that time, I noticed that I liked girls more than boys. When I told my mom and dad, they dismissed it and said it was just a phase. It wasn't.
I secretly dated one girl in ninth grade to find out if that's where my feelings were headed. Then I "came out" to my friends. They were cool about it and supported me 100 percent. I didn't have the guts to tell my folks until I was in the 10th grade.
They exploded. Mom cried for hours; Dad kicked me out for a week. My parents have had no trust whatsoever in me ever since. We don't talk like we used to -- and whenever the subject of my sexual orientation comes up, my parents call me a slut, among other things. I've moved out three times, but I always go back because I don't have enough money to make it on my own.
I'm now dating a wonderful young woman and it's getting serious. I don't dare tell my parents because I'm afraid of their reaction. Please help, Abby. I need your advice. -- DESPERATELY SEEKING LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE IN KANSAS
DEAR DESPERATE: I am sorry you are not getting the support you need from your family. They need to understand that sexual orientation is not a choice. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG) could offer them some much-needed insight and support. They can call the organization at (202) 467-8180; write to 1726 M St. NW, Suite 400, Washington, D.C. 20036; or go online to the Web site at www.pflag.org.
I have a different resource for YOU. Please contact The Trevor Project. It's a 24-hour toll-free hotline that promotes tolerance and provides support to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered youth.
The Trevor Helpline crisis line is the only 24-hour, 365-day toll-free line solely dedicated to counseling gay and questioning youth. Trained counselors are always there to help, and they welcome calls from any teen who is having problems relating to his or her sexual orientation -- whether the person is struggling with self-doubt, peer pressure, lack of acceptance, rejection by family members and/or friends -- or having thoughts of suicide.
Call (866) 488-7386 or go online to www.TheTrevorProject.org.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GRADUATION GIFT CANNOT MEND RIFT BETWEEN DAUGHTER AND DAD
DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated from college and received "congrats" and small gifts from well-wishers, all of which I responded to with written thank-you notes -- with one exception: my father. He still attempts to carry on a father/daughter relationship, regardless of my feelings. Even though I made a decision years ago to cut off all contact with him, he sent me a graduation card with a large check enclosed.
Abby, throughout my childhood and teens, my father emotionally and physically abused my mother. After their divorce, he attempted to do the same to me. That's when I stopped communicating with him.
Mom thinks I should keep the money. I could really use it, but I honestly don't think it's right to keep it without sending a note of thanks. It's the last thing I want to do. Please give me your opinion. No name or location -- sign me ... GRAD TORN OVER DAD
DEAR GRAD: Return the money. Your father is trying to buy his way back into your life. If you allow it, the price YOU will pay for maintaining a relationship with your abusive father won't be worth any amount of money.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 52-year-old man ending my third marriage, and I'm beginning to wonder if my three ex-wives could be right -- the consensus is I'm "nuts."
Am I "nuts" for cleaning the house after my wife said she just cleaned it? Am I "nuts" for ironing a shirt she already ironed? After we'd go to bed, I'd get up in the middle of the night to rewash the dinner dishes and sweep the kitchen floor. I could go on and on.
I finally took the advice of wife No. 3 and went to my doctor. He listened for a couple of minutes, prescribed two meds, and sent me away with, "Have a nice day." Then I went to a licensed therapist, and in five minutes was told this could take years of counseling. Well, we all know what that means -- ka-ching, ka-ching! Tell me, Abby, AM I nuts? -- MR. CLEAN IN OHIO
DEAR MR. CLEAN: No, you are not "nuts." (And no one should call you that.) You ARE obsessive-compulsive. It's a condition that can be treated with a combination of medications and counseling. Please avail yourself of both. It will be money well spent. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: I am not writing for advice or airing a complaint. I'd like to share an act of kindness.
On Mother's Day, my husband and I went to an upscale restaurant for dinner. We were also celebrating my husband's 86th birthday. We had almost finished our meal when our food server informed us that a gentleman, who had come in with a group and passed our table, had asked that our check be given to him.
We were surprised because we did not know this man. After we finished, my husband and I went to his table and thanked him. He told us that we reminded him of his grandparents and seeing us had "made his day."
So, you see, Abby -- there ARE good and thoughtful people who perform good deeds, but we seldom hear about them. I hope if this appears in your column, that dear man will see it and know how very much my husband and I appreciated his kindness. -- VIRGINIA IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR VIRGINIA: You're right. Good deeds are seldom publicized. That gentleman must have loved his grandparents very much.
P.S. Your letter made MY day.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)