Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DRUNK DRIVER STILL MOURNED BY THOSE SHE LEFT BEHIND
DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago this month, a drunk driver killed my girlfriend. She was only 29. I still miss her and think about her every day. I think about all the things that intoxicated driver could have done to avoid the tragedy of that night -– things such as calling a cab, letting someone else drive home, or giving the car keys to a designated driver.
However, I cannot admonish the driver or ask why these precautions were not taken; I do not have that luxury. You see, Abby, the driver was my GIRLFRIEND.
She got into her car that night without thinking it would be the last ride of her life. She got behind the wheel without considering all those who loved her and would miss her smile, her voice, her presence. She did it without thinking of her two little boys who would have to grow up without a mommy.
I know it's a cliche, but if this letter makes just one person out there stop and think before getting behind the wheel while impaired, my girlfriend's death may not have been in vain. -- KURT E. WERTHEIM, SAN ANTONIO
DEAR KURT: It is clear that you are still in mourning. Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Your letter points up one sobering fact: The person most at risk is the one who can't think clearly and believes "it can't happen to me."
DEAR ABBY: I've been dating "Collin" for nine months. I fell for him hard and fast. My problem is I recently met his former girlfriend, "Patty." She has a 10-month-old son. Abby, I've done the math. I suspect Collin is the father. He told me he broke up with Patty 10 months before we met. I asked Collin if he is the baby's father, and he said he "didn't think so," because Patty never mentioned it to him.
I don't think Collin really wants to know –- but I do! This is driving me crazy. Should I ask Patty if Collin is the father of her child? Help! -- SUSPICIOUS HEART IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: By all means ask Patty who the father is. It's a fair question, and one that could affect your future with Collin romantically and financially. If he is the daddy, he may be required by law to support the child at least until he is 18. And if he's not the father, it will put your mind at ease.
DEAR ABBY: We recently hosted a bat mitzvah for our daughter and invited two families (parents along with their children). In both cases, the parents attended but the children did not.
A few months later, these two families hosted similar parties for their own children. In each case, my husband and I were invited but our children were not. I thought if we invited their children, they should invite ours. Is this considered proper etiquette? -- PUZZLED ALONG THE HUDSON RIVER
DEAR PUZZLED: Not that I know of. A bar mitzvah and a bat mitzvah are important rites of passage in a young Jewish person's life, and when I was growing up it was a celebration in which contemporaries were always included -– particularly if the children were in the same age bracket. I, too, am puzzled that parents would attend or be expected to attend without their children. (The exception to this would be if the children were toddlers who might be disruptive.)
Organ Donation Provides Wife Solace After Husband's Death
DEAR ABBY: At 35, my husband, Tony, was so gorgeous he stopped traffic. He was also artistic, talented, and had the biggest heart of anyone I'd ever met. Like most young couples, we dreamed of buying our first home, starting a family and growing old together. However, on Sept. 23, 1996, our dreams were shattered.
The memories are still a blur: The ambulance trip to the hospital. Emergency surgery for bleeding in the brain. The shocking discovery of a brain tumor. He was briefly conscious after surgery, then my darling slipped into a coma. The bleeding was unstoppable. Brain death was imminent.
That's when I met Mary. She was Tony's nurse in intensive care. Mary asked me if Tony was an organ donor. From the depths of my grief, I was suddenly given a different kind of hope –- that other lives could be saved and Tony wouldn't die for nothing. I remember that we had talked about his becoming an organ donor when he renewed his driver's license. I knew it was what he had wanted.
Tony's gift of organ donation is his living legacy in the truest sense. Just ask Mel, the liver recipient, who is healthy today; or the farmer who used to have to drive six hours for kidney dialysis, who can now enjoy the work he loves again. With so many people on the waiting lists today, organ donation is truly a gift of life. -- ROSE D'ACQUISTO, NATIONAL KIDNEY FOUNDATION DONOR FAMILY COUNCIL
DEAR ROSE: Thank you for your important letter. April is National Donate Life Month. For more information about organ donation, or a free organ donor card, readers can contact the National Kidney Foundation at Box DA, 30 E. 33rd St., New York, NY 10016, or call (800) 622-9010. The Web site is: � HYPERLINK "http://www.kidney.org" ��www.kidney.org�.
I've learned that as of October 2002, 80,000 individuals are waiting for transplants; of those, 53,000 are waiting for kidneys. Last year, 28,000 potential recipients died waiting for kidneys. In 2001, 14,000 kidney transplants were performed -– 8,200 from cadaver donors and 5,900 from living donors. The good news is that living donation is becoming a viable alternative to cadaveric donation. The number of living kidney donors grew 12 percent last year, while cadaveric donations showed only a 1 percent increase.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and have been with "Adam" a little over two years. (He's also 20.) We have always been serious about each other. I am now ready to move forward in our relationship and get an apartment with him. I finally found one we can afford. It's near Adam's college, not far from both our families. You should see it -- it's beautiful!
A week before we planned to move in, Adam told me he is unsure about our relationship. We had been quarreling a lot, but we talked and straightened everything out.
Now, a month later, the landlord called and said the apartment is ready. I told Adam, and he came up with yet another excuse not to live with me. When I asked if he wanted our relationship to go further, he said he used to!
I love him dearly, but we don't seem to be on the same page. Am I wasting my time? Please help. -- HURT IN RUTLAND, MASS.
DEAR HURT: This qualifies as a case of bad timing. It's obvious from what Adam is telling you that he's not ready to make the kind of commitment you want. Accept it. And if you're really in love with the apartment, consider renting it with a roommate.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Accommodating Mother in Law Gets Back What She Gives
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, when I first became a daughter-in-law, it was a good lesson in how NOT to be a mother-in-law. So when our son became engaged, I told his chosen one I considered her "in-law" status only a legality, that I felt I was gaining a daughter, and that wives should always come before mothers.
My husband and I offered advice only when asked and kept still when we saw them do something we thought was a mistake.
When our son had to travel out of town for additional job training, Dad and I moved into their home at their request. We had a great time with our grandchildren and made it possible for our son and his wife to have uninterrupted time for each other.
I am now a widow in my 90s and live in a lovely apartment my son and his wife built onto their home. They visit and help me whenever I need them.
When we drive places, I have always insisted on sitting in the back seat because I find it easier to get in and out of the car. (The kids often have things to discuss and I don't need to know everything.) Believe me, the back seat "ain't" all that bad!
My daughters live in Virginia and California and come to stay whenever my son and his wife want to get away. All of them keep me busy with my computer, getting my own meals, knitting and library books. My girls call daily -– California in the mornings and Virginia to say good-night. The kids here in town are in and out several times a day. When I tell each one how blessed I feel, my son always says, "Mother, you reap what you sow." -- GRATEFUL MOM/IN-LAW
DEAR GRATEFUL MOM/IN-LAW: In most relationships, your son is right. Love and respect are a two-way street. I receive so many letters about bad relationships that it's a pleasure to print one that details such an exemplary one.
And while we're on the subject, I'll reprint a favorite item that has appeared in my column before:
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW
by Iola M. Irwin
-- Thou shalt love, honor and respect the new couple.
-- Thou shalt allow them complete independence.
-- Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.
-- Thou shalt not find fault.
-- Thou shalt not visit them too frequently, and never enter their home without knocking.
-- Thou shalt not expect them to visit you too often.
-- Thou shalt not give advice unless requested.
-- Thou shalt not mention how much you look forward to grandchildren.
-- Thou shalt respect their taste in home decorating, though it differs from your own.
-- Thou shalt petition daily the Heavenly Father, in whose love they abide, for their happiness.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)