What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COUPLES WHO LIVE TOGETHER MUST TIE UP LEGAL LOOSE ENDS
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Forever Single," the man who's in love with "Kit," but never wants to get married. He's not the only person who would rather just live together. My boyfriend of eight years and I have both been married before. We do not need a "piece of paper" to tell us that we love each other and will never stray.
I agree with your advice that they should talk to a lawyer in case something ever happens. I work for an attorney, so all our affairs are in order in case something ever does happen. My boyfriend has two children from a previous marriage and we have two together. So we made sure if anything bad happens to one of us, the other has control over everything, and not our exes. -- JULIE IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR JULIE: For your sake and your children's, it was wise for you to tie up all the loose ends. For the other side of the story, read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am an 81-year-old lady in good health and still driving. I lived with "Martin" for 15 years. He is now 87. Martin never wanted to marry me, although I proposed several times.
A year ago, his family made me leave his home. His money and their greed were the reasons. I didn't care whether or not Martin had money. We had each other, and still love each other dearly. I now live with my son 30 miles away.
I go to see Martin three or four times a week. He has major health problems and severe Alzheimer's. He no longer knows his children or grandchildren. He only knows me, although he remembers nothing we did together that he loved to do -- like traveling, cruises, dancing three or four times a week, golf, his poker games, or the people we socialized with. When I visit him he says, "Tell me about the things we did, the folks we did them with, and the fun we used to have."
You gave "Forever Single" the right advice when you said mature people want to take care of those they love. Spouses have legal protection benefits that single people do not enjoy. If something were to happen, "Kit" would be left with nothing but memories.
I stayed with Martin for 15 years. He didn't look out for my future, and now he can't. His children declared him mentally incompetent. He has 24/7 attendant care. I had to go back to work in the home health-care field to support myself. It is "Kit's" choice to go or to stay. I wish I had insisted on marriage or future support. -- A YOUNG 81, GETTING ON WITH HER LIFE IN TAMPA
DEAR YOUNG 81: So do I, because at least you would have had security or known where you stood. I find it sad that so many people get caught up in the "romance of the nontraditional" and forget that love includes responsibilities. Whether or not your beloved consciously intended to leave you vulnerable, with no choice but to re-enter the job market as an octogenarian, that is exactly what happened because he refused to make a commitment. I hope others will benefit from your sad experience. You have been, and continue to be, a loyal and loving partner. You deserved better.
Husband Is Willing to Go the Distance for More Sex
DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old husband and father of four. "Marla" and I have been married 11 years and live in Syracuse. My wife wants to move to Albany to be closer to her family so they can help care for our children.
I agreed to move only if Marla guarantees to give me sex three times per week. That is the only compromise I am asking her to make. My wife says she won't commit to putting a number on the times we are intimate every week.
Abby, am I expecting too much by asking Marla to commit to the amount of sex I want, as long as I agree to move to Albany -- which is what she wants? That way, making the move will benefit both of us. -- READY AND WILLING IN NEW YORK
DEAR READY AND WILLING: You and your wife appear to be "ready and willing" about very different things. I can understand her wanting to be closer to her family for the child-care advantages, but why would you demand that she limit your lovemaking to only three times a week? You're selling yourself short.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman whose parents divorced three years ago. (I'm an only child.) Recently I discovered that my father cheated on my mom throughout their marriage. His longtime mistress was a family friend I'll call Cindy.
I have grown up seeing Cindy at least once a week. She has always been pleasant and helpful -- whether she was teaching me to ride a bike or helping me study for my driver's permit. It wasn't until a year ago that I found out she and Dad are lovers. When Mom discovered their affair, she placed the blame solely on Dad.
My parents split up, and Dad left Mom for yet another woman, "Lynda," but he continues to see Cindy behind Lynda's back. Neither woman knows about the other. I still communicate with Cindy and see her occasionally. This upsets my father no end, because he's afraid I'll blow his cover. He's told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me talking to Cindy.
I maintain that Dad brought Cindy into my life when I was just a kid. Is it fair for him to suddenly demand that we can't continue being friends? -- FOND OF DAD'S MISTRESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR FOND: Look at it this way: For years, while Cindy pretended to be a family friend, she helped your father betray your mother. Is that the kind of friend you can trust? I don't think so. Your dad may not deserve any medals as "Husband of the Year," but in this case, he might have a point.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been going to a nudist resort for the last five years. Our children are all grown and in their 30s. I want to tell them where we are going in case something should happen to one of us while we're there.
My wife is too embarrassed to say anything about the nature of our retreat to anyone, even though we both enjoy our tradition.
Should we, or shouldn't we, say something to our children? -- ADAM AND EVE IN THE GARDEN STATE
DEAR ADAM AND EVE: Your reason for wanting to tell your children is valid. You are all adults. There should be no embarrassment in disclosing your whereabouts. Many people enjoy the nudist lifestyle, and there is no reason for your wife to be ashamed of it.
It's a good idea when anyone travels for an itinerary to be left with a trusted friend or family member. It's not so much what could happen to the traveler, but that an emergency could occur back home that necessitates being in contact. If a person can't be reached, he or she also can't be notified.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: Please remind your adult readers to be more respectful of our planet. At 13, I have observed people who are careless with their trash and abuse the Earth with toxic chemicals and in other ways. They forget that even though they won't be around when the Earth starts breaking down, we younger generations may be.
All my life I've heard adults say stuff like, "We love you and will never let anything harm you." But if grown-ups don't clean up their act, something WILL harm us. And it will be because of them. -- WORRIED TEEN IN GEORGIA
DEAR WORRIED TEEN: Because today marks the 33rd anniversary of Earth Day, your letter is especially timely. When Earth Day began, there were no pollution controls on cars, people and entire cities dumped untreated sewage into rivers and landfills, industrial communities were often shrouded with smoke and smog, and some rivers were so polluted with chemicals that they actually caught fire.
We have made advances since 1970, but we cannot afford to become complacent.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Roger," was recently divorced from his wife. His two sons, 10 and 12, are with him every weekend. Roger told me that after the boys stay at his home, things come up missing -- CDs, tapes, loose change, etc.
Roger finally said something to his ex-wife, but she told him to "deal with it."
Soon after that, the kids stayed at my home for a day, and sure enough, after they left, I also discovered items missing. Please tell us how this problem can be handled, Abby. I would like to show the boys' mother your response. -- MICHIGAN GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: When couples separate, they still have a joint responsibility to the children they brought into this world. Topping the list of lessons that responsible parents should teach by example is how to be a good citizen and a person with character.
Big crimes usually start with petty ones. Your grandsons are crying out for attention in a negative way. Ideally, the mother and father should speak to their sons together, but if their mother chooses not to deal with the problem, then their father must do it alone. The boys must be confronted and the items returned. Your son should also consider spending more time with the boys, until they have adjusted to the new situation. If that fails, family counseling is in order.
DEAR ABBY: I overheard my cousin, "Jenny," tell our 16-year-old daughter that it was OK to consume alcohol, and that she was welcome to drop by her house any time if she wanted a drink. (Thank heaven she lives more than a hour and a half away!)
While I trust my daughter not to take Jenny up on her "offer," I think she was out of line. Do teens really need the added pressure of an irresponsible adult telling them it's OK to drink before they reach the legal age limit? How should I handle this if it happens again? -- MIFFED IN MARYLAND
DEAR MIFFED: For Jenny to have made such an offer is a blatant attempt to circumvent your parental authority. Do not stand for it. Remind your cousin that providing alcohol to minors is against the law, and let her know that if it happens you'll inform the police. As a parent, your first responsibility is to your child.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)