To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband Is Willing to Go the Distance for More Sex
DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old husband and father of four. "Marla" and I have been married 11 years and live in Syracuse. My wife wants to move to Albany to be closer to her family so they can help care for our children.
I agreed to move only if Marla guarantees to give me sex three times per week. That is the only compromise I am asking her to make. My wife says she won't commit to putting a number on the times we are intimate every week.
Abby, am I expecting too much by asking Marla to commit to the amount of sex I want, as long as I agree to move to Albany -- which is what she wants? That way, making the move will benefit both of us. -- READY AND WILLING IN NEW YORK
DEAR READY AND WILLING: You and your wife appear to be "ready and willing" about very different things. I can understand her wanting to be closer to her family for the child-care advantages, but why would you demand that she limit your lovemaking to only three times a week? You're selling yourself short.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman whose parents divorced three years ago. (I'm an only child.) Recently I discovered that my father cheated on my mom throughout their marriage. His longtime mistress was a family friend I'll call Cindy.
I have grown up seeing Cindy at least once a week. She has always been pleasant and helpful -- whether she was teaching me to ride a bike or helping me study for my driver's permit. It wasn't until a year ago that I found out she and Dad are lovers. When Mom discovered their affair, she placed the blame solely on Dad.
My parents split up, and Dad left Mom for yet another woman, "Lynda," but he continues to see Cindy behind Lynda's back. Neither woman knows about the other. I still communicate with Cindy and see her occasionally. This upsets my father no end, because he's afraid I'll blow his cover. He's told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me talking to Cindy.
I maintain that Dad brought Cindy into my life when I was just a kid. Is it fair for him to suddenly demand that we can't continue being friends? -- FOND OF DAD'S MISTRESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR FOND: Look at it this way: For years, while Cindy pretended to be a family friend, she helped your father betray your mother. Is that the kind of friend you can trust? I don't think so. Your dad may not deserve any medals as "Husband of the Year," but in this case, he might have a point.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been going to a nudist resort for the last five years. Our children are all grown and in their 30s. I want to tell them where we are going in case something should happen to one of us while we're there.
My wife is too embarrassed to say anything about the nature of our retreat to anyone, even though we both enjoy our tradition.
Should we, or shouldn't we, say something to our children? -- ADAM AND EVE IN THE GARDEN STATE
DEAR ADAM AND EVE: Your reason for wanting to tell your children is valid. You are all adults. There should be no embarrassment in disclosing your whereabouts. Many people enjoy the nudist lifestyle, and there is no reason for your wife to be ashamed of it.
It's a good idea when anyone travels for an itinerary to be left with a trusted friend or family member. It's not so much what could happen to the traveler, but that an emergency could occur back home that necessitates being in contact. If a person can't be reached, he or she also can't be notified.
DEAR ABBY: Please remind your adult readers to be more respectful of our planet. At 13, I have observed people who are careless with their trash and abuse the Earth with toxic chemicals and in other ways. They forget that even though they won't be around when the Earth starts breaking down, we younger generations may be.
All my life I've heard adults say stuff like, "We love you and will never let anything harm you." But if grown-ups don't clean up their act, something WILL harm us. And it will be because of them. -- WORRIED TEEN IN GEORGIA
DEAR WORRIED TEEN: Because today marks the 33rd anniversary of Earth Day, your letter is especially timely. When Earth Day began, there were no pollution controls on cars, people and entire cities dumped untreated sewage into rivers and landfills, industrial communities were often shrouded with smoke and smog, and some rivers were so polluted with chemicals that they actually caught fire.
We have made advances since 1970, but we cannot afford to become complacent.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Roger," was recently divorced from his wife. His two sons, 10 and 12, are with him every weekend. Roger told me that after the boys stay at his home, things come up missing -- CDs, tapes, loose change, etc.
Roger finally said something to his ex-wife, but she told him to "deal with it."
Soon after that, the kids stayed at my home for a day, and sure enough, after they left, I also discovered items missing. Please tell us how this problem can be handled, Abby. I would like to show the boys' mother your response. -- MICHIGAN GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: When couples separate, they still have a joint responsibility to the children they brought into this world. Topping the list of lessons that responsible parents should teach by example is how to be a good citizen and a person with character.
Big crimes usually start with petty ones. Your grandsons are crying out for attention in a negative way. Ideally, the mother and father should speak to their sons together, but if their mother chooses not to deal with the problem, then their father must do it alone. The boys must be confronted and the items returned. Your son should also consider spending more time with the boys, until they have adjusted to the new situation. If that fails, family counseling is in order.
DEAR ABBY: I overheard my cousin, "Jenny," tell our 16-year-old daughter that it was OK to consume alcohol, and that she was welcome to drop by her house any time if she wanted a drink. (Thank heaven she lives more than a hour and a half away!)
While I trust my daughter not to take Jenny up on her "offer," I think she was out of line. Do teens really need the added pressure of an irresponsible adult telling them it's OK to drink before they reach the legal age limit? How should I handle this if it happens again? -- MIFFED IN MARYLAND
DEAR MIFFED: For Jenny to have made such an offer is a blatant attempt to circumvent your parental authority. Do not stand for it. Remind your cousin that providing alcohol to minors is against the law, and let her know that if it happens you'll inform the police. As a parent, your first responsibility is to your child.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE THIS HUSBAND SUDDENLY SINGLE
DEAR ABBY: I didn't know I had a problem until the day my wife/lover/best friend walked out on me two weeks before our 13th anniversary.
All our married life I worked a seven-day-a-week factory job on second shift, and in the mornings managed my own retail business.
I thought everything at home was great. Our house and cars were paid for. We even owned a boat. It turns out that all my wife wanted was for me to hold her, love her and "be there" for her. Now she lives 600 miles away.
I learned my lesson the hard way. I closed my business, but it's too late. Abby, please warn your readers about the danger of becoming a workaholic. Material things are not worth the price of losing the one person who shares your life. I hope my story will save someone else's marriage. -- HIT WITH REALITY IN MICHIGAN
DEAR HIT: So do I. In order for couples to grow together, they must communicate, spend time with each other and share mutual interests. Good marriages don't just happen. Like anything else worth having, they require work and nurturing.
DEAR ABBY: I am a female college student. I am having a problem with a former classmate from last semester. I'll call her Theresa. We started a friendship, but the conversation was always awkward, and we had few common interests, so it was a chore to spend time with her. Not a good formula for friendship.
Theresa calls my apartment and my cell phone, and she e-mails me on a weekly basis. I screen all of my calls and never respond to her e-mails, but she hasn't taken the hint.
How does one "nicely" end a friendship without burning bridges? Our paths may cross again one day in the corporate world. None of my family or friends have an answer. -- BESIEGED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR BESIEGED: Since you never see her and do not respond to her e-mails, it shouldn't be difficult to tell your former classmate that you are very busy and do not have the time she has to devote to a friendship. Say it kindly, and wish her all the best in the future.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of my husband's behavior? We've been married almost 50 years, and if I didn't speak all day long we would live in a silent world. My husband says nothing, not even "good morning." He will stalk right by me on his way out the door and never say a word.
This is nothing new. It has been like this nearly all of our married life. We are both college-educated, with responsible professions, and were raised in well-educated, professional families. No one else I know gets treated this way.
I have tried talking to him about this, but it does no good. Thanks for any insight you can give me. -- SUFFERING IN SILENCE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR SUFFERING IN SILENCE: Your husband's behavior could be a sign of long-standing depression or it could be passive-aggressive abuse. How you have tolerated it for 50 years is beyond me. Ask him why he married you. His reply may provide you with some insight. Then ask yourself -- is this how you want to spend your remaining years? Your signature says it all. I couldn't live in an atmosphere like that.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)