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Families Can Find Support During Spouses' Active Duty
DEAR ABBY: May I add my 2 cents' worth to "Miserable Daughter-in-Law in Norfolk, Va.," who complained that her in-laws treat her as though she's invisible when her husband is away on active duty?
To her I would say: "Don't give up on his family, but don't count on them to fill your time. Call the Navy chaplain, the local college or another Navy wife." During my husband's first long cruise, like her, I was lost. Then I started volunteering for the Red Cross at Portsmouth Naval Hospital and for Navy Relief in the thrift shop. The more involved one is, the less time one has for fretting over in-laws.
Most important, Navy wives whose husbands are on sea duty are usually very close-knit and supportive of one another. During deployments, such friendships are often closer than relationships with one's own family. It is the responsibility of the captain of the ship, or his wife, to see that the spouses have points of contact before the ship departs. A spouse's sea duty can be looked upon as an opportunity to take classes, get together with other spouses "in the same boat," or get involved in all sorts of projects. If "Miserable" takes my advice, her husband, her marriage and the Navy will profit from her efforts. -- EX-NAVY WIFE, PINEBLUFF, N.C.
DEAR EX-NAVY WIFE: Although I advised the young woman to network with other Navy wives, I was not aware when I wrote my answer that programs were already in place to help her. Thank you for your helpful letter. You were not the only reader who wanted to help. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am also a military spouse. One thing I have noticed is that many wives -- and husbands -- have a hard time adapting to the strain their spouses feel at having to put duty over family. Thankfully, there are groups out there to help us get through this. One of the best I have found is www.militarywives.com. The message boards alone are worth more than I can express. In the Coast Guard, each unit has an ombudsman who is in charge of keeping spouses connected. This service is a lifesaver.
The family I have joined here with the military is priceless. Knowing that my strength adds to that of my husband's, and seeing others going through the same thing, makes it all worthwhile. -- KAY IN KODIAK, ALASKA
DEAR KAY: My admiration for you, and for other military spouses and families, is boundless.
DEAR ABBY: Please urge "Miserable" to become active in her state's family readiness program. It provides much-needed support for service member families and significant others during peacetime or deployment. I am part of the Maryland National Guard Family Readiness program and can attest to the help during the deployment of my husband and my son. -- GAYLA IN ELKTON, MD.
DEAR GAYLA: Bless you for reaching out.
DEAR ABBY: I dealt with my in-laws by going to counseling. There I learned to deal with them kindly and respectfully. Once "Miserable" is strong enough emotionally, she should ask her in-laws why she's not included in their family activities. Please tell her to rise above the pettiness and remember, people reap what they sow. -- ANOTHER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN ILLINOIS
DEAR D.I.L.: That's good advice, to which I would like to add: The phone works both ways. If the parents are not inviting her over, she should consider taking the initiative and inviting THEM over.
LOUD KIDS, SARCASTIC PARENTS ARE RECIPE FOR MISERABLE MEAL
DEAR ABBY: Last night, my husband and I had dinner at the only "good" restaurant in our small town. Seated at the table behind us was a couple with three small children. During our entire meal, those children screamed and carried on -- while their parents did nothing. The disruption was so incessant that another couple walked out without finishing their dinner.
The manager offered to seat us elsewhere, but the children's high-pitched voices could be heard throughout the place. I repeatedly looked over at the parents, and the man shot me a sarcastic remark implying that if I was annoyed, it was "my problem."
If you were the manager of the restaurant, what would you have done? -- ANNOYED IN THE SUNSHINE STATE
DEAR ANNOYED: Had I been the manager, I would have approached the parents and said it was time for one of them to take the youngsters outside for a "time-out" until they were ready to behave themselves in the restaurant. I would rather risk losing one couple's business than that of a room full of patrons.
DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Beth," set a trash can on fire at school. I was there and didn't tell on her. Then she turned around and told the principal I did it! The surveillance camera shows both Beth and me walking out of the girls' restroom where the fire occurred, but the tape doesn't show who set the fire.
Now I'm in major trouble. No one believes I'm innocent. Beth lied and left me in the dust! We're both suspended from school and have to appear in court with our parents. What if the judge blames it all on me? How should I handle this? I don't want to ruin our friendship. -- INNOCENT MIDDLE SCHOOLER
DEAR INNOCENT: Your friendship was ruined when your "friend" accused you to keep herself from being punished for what she did. Speak up and defend yourself. Offer to take a lie detector test if necessary -- and for heaven's sake have nothing more to do with Beth. She has burned you. Badly.
DEAR ABBY: "P.O. in New Jersey" was angry because her sister-in-law purchased an identical wedding dress after seeing hers. Here's another way she could handle the situation:
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had finally found the perfect dress and would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange it, but Barbie refused. "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million bucks in it."
Jennifer relayed the conversation to her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch that day, Jennifer asked, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Her mother grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!" -- JUDITH K., HOUSTON
DEAR JUDITH: I like her sense of humor.
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COUPLE SHOULD STAND FIRM AGAINST IN-LAWS' ULTIMATUM
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from "Marriage Bound and in a Bind," the young Catholic woman who is engaged to Harvey, the Jewish gentleman whose parents refuse to attend their wedding if a priest is present.
Abby, this is not a problem that requires counseling as you advised. The issue here is whether this young woman is marrying the right man -- a man who will stand with her against opposition from the outside. There doesn't need to be any "meeting of the minds" with regard to the parents and the couple. The engaged couple should make their own decisions jointly and stand united against any opposition from either set of parents.
If Harvey and his bride have decided to marry with a priest and a rabbi in attendance, that is their decision. Were we faced with the same quandary, my husband's and my response to anyone who tried to blackmail us with, "We won't come if ..." would be, "Then we will miss you on our special day."
Harvey's parents have put him into the position of having to choose. My guess is that it is not the first time it has happened, nor will it be the last. Mama and Papa want Harvey to marry a nice Jewish girl, and no amount of compromise on "In a Bind's" part will make them happy, because she's the "wrong" religion.
Take my word for it, if these two back down now, his parents will run their life. They'll tell them where to live, where to work, how to raise their children ... the list goes on and on. Now is the time for "In a Bind" to discover if she's engaged to the right man. Somehow, I doubt she is. -- WON'T DO IT AGAIN IN BRIDGEPORT, CONN.
DEAR WON'T DO IT AGAIN: I was hoping the young couple could make his parents see reason by being conciliatory. However, a slew of readers agreed with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You advised "In a Bind" to get both sets of parents together socially, and that she and her fiance seek premarital counseling -- preferably from a nondenominational counselor. I disagree!
If that young man can't stand up to his parents for one day -- his own wedding day -- how will he handle their demands over the next few decades? Will there be a battle every December -- blue lights on a Christmas tree and red and green candles on the menorah? How about a Passover bunny? And bedtime prayers? The possible conflicts are endless. -- OLDER AND WISER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR OLDER AND WISER: I see what you mean. Of course, that wouldn't happen if she converted -- which is what his parents may be angling for.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the young Catholic woman marrying the Jewish man, please suggest that she obtain three copies of Cokie and Steve Roberts' book, "From This Day Forward," one for each set of parents and one for the couple. The book includes a lovely and compelling description of their Jewish-Catholic marriage (with kids). -- TRYING TO HELP IN RENO
DEAR TRYING TO HELP: I have heard the book is wonderful, but one copy for "In a Bind" would be enough. Her parents seem to be accepting of the union. And his parents do not appear to be open to any opinion other than their own. They have my sympathy, by the way, because many Jewish people feel the greatest threat to Judaism in the United States is assimilation.
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