For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
SPECIAL DAY HIGHLIGHTS EFFORT TO GIVE ABUSED CHILDREN HOPE
DEAR ABBY: On Wednesday, April 2, people across the country will observe the National Day of Hope for abused children, part of National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Its goal is to raise public awareness so that each of us will have the power to help an abused child if we so choose.
On a typical day, three children in the United States will die as a result of child abuse in the home. A report of known or suspected child abuse or neglect will be made to the authorities every 10 seconds. However, most people who witness an actual incident of child abuse will not report it.
We urge everyone: If you see something or hear something -- DO SOMETHING. Suspicion of neglect or abuse is sufficient to make a report.
For information or local reporting numbers, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), 24 hours a day. All calls are anonymous and confidential.
You can also help by keeping abused children in your thoughts and prayers. Learn the signs and symptoms of child abuse and neglect so you can recognize the red flags when you see them. For additional ways to participate, visit www.childhelpusa.org.
Please join us as we share the light of hope for abused children. -- SARA O'MEARA AND YVONNE FEDDERSON, CO-FOUNDERS, CHILDHELP USA
DEAR SARA AND YVONNE: I hope your letter generates the attention it deserves. Children are some of our most vulnerable citizens. Here are some of the signs and symptoms of child abuse:
Physical abuse: unexplained burns, cuts, bruises or welts in the shape of an object; problems in school; fear of adults.
Emotional abuse: apathy; depression; lack of concentration.
Sexual abuse: inappropriate interest or knowledge of sexual acts; overcompliance or excessive aggression; fear of a particular person or family member.
Neglect: unsuitable clothing for weather; extreme hunger; apparent lack of supervision.
I caution readers to be aware that these are only indicators, and if people see them they should check into the situation more thoroughly. One should not immediately jump to conclusions based on one or two general symptoms.
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Kit," has been living with me for almost four years, and our love for each other is stronger than ever. Kit has asked me to marry her many times, but I always divert her attention or change the subject.
The truth is, I don't believe in marriage and would rather have Kit as my girlfriend for the rest of my life. What scares me is the fact that my last girlfriend dumped me when I leveled with her about how I never want to marry.
Please tell me what to do because I don't want to lose Kit. -- FOREVER SINGLE IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR FOREVER SINGLE: First of all, level with Kit about how you feel and why. While it may seem romantic to have a girlfriend forever, mature people want to take care of those they love. There are legal protections and benefits for spouses that single people do not enjoy. Your lawyer can explain them to you. As things stand, if something were to happen to you, Kit would be left with nothing but memories. Is that what you want?
Victim of Verbal Abuse Is Urged to Get Out, Get Help
DEAR ABBY: "Talked to Death in Minnesota" described her husband as forcing her to sit for hours listening to him criticize her. She detailed how he had moved her far from friends and family, and if anyone called or came to visit, how he would alienate them. You called his behavior abuse, and advised that she no longer allow him to isolate her, and that she should find a job if she didn't already have one.
I am familiar with that pattern of behavior, Abby. May I offer a few additional thoughts?
If "Talked to Death" can get away from him, she should do it. And when her husband realizes he's losing control, she must be prepared for it, because his behavior will intensify. She should go elsewhere to telephone her old friends (with a calling card), get help, find a job, stay positive and move forward. -- RECOVERING IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR RECOVERING: How kind of you to reach out to her, and to other people in verbally abusive relationships. It seems the spouse's actions are classic. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Talked to Death" must run as though her life depends on it, because it could. Fortunately, my family dragged me away while I still had a spark of self-esteem left. I spent more than 40 years "hoping things would change." They did -- they got worse. Tell her she's in my thoughts and prayers. I'm happier and more secure in every way since I got away. -- LIBERATED IN IOWA
DEAR LIBERATED: I'm not surprised you're doing better. You have rediscovered your self-worth.
One point I would like to add: When leaving an abuser, an escape plan should be worked out in advance, and the abuser should have no warning. Abusers are control freaks and can be unpredictable.
DEAR ABBY: After years of degradation, I finally left. My abuser had sought counseling (once) and was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). However, that became his excuse for everything he did. Nothing changed. He simply had an illness on which to blame his actions.
Medications can help to ease this disorder, especially when used with behavior modification therapy. But if "Talked to Death's" husband doesn't accept responsibility for his actions, she must get out before her self-esteem is damaged beyond repair.
It's never too late to start over. I'm now remarried, and happier than I ever thought possible to a man who treats me with love, dignity and respect. -- ELATED IN TEXAS
DEAR ELATED: Good for you. People who love each other try to help build on their strengths, not capitalize on their weaknesses.
DEAR ABBY: I was the same as that woman's husband. I was a control freak. No one had an opinion better than mine. I never had anything nice to say to anyone about anything. Everyone had something wrong with them. I am now in counseling and have discovered that I am the problem.
I hope that husband gets help, or that "Talked to Death" gets away before it goes any further. Perhaps then her husband will realize that because of his mouth, he has no one left, and he, too, will finally get the help he so desperately needs. -- FEELING BETTER ABOUT ME IN GEORGIA
DEAR FEELING BETTER: Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they'll admit they have a problem and seek help. It takes courage to step back and look squarely in the mirror instead of blaming others for problems. I commend you for doing so.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband's teenage son, "Danny," recently came to live with us. His mother has remarried and moved 2,000 miles away. Danny will visit her for a month this summer. Danny is basically a good kid, gets good grades, and appears to be making some nice friends at school and in the neighborhood.
The problem is, he's messy and I'm a perfectionist. I try to ignore the dirty clothes strewn across his bedroom floor, the food wrappers, the wet towels in the tub, etc. Although my husband is talking to Danny about the mess and there has been slight improvement, I was raised differently, Abby. I often find myself getting furiously angry. I am afraid I am going to say or do something I will regret, and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Danny.
Can you suggest some ways to channel my anger? Do you have any ideas? -- TINA IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TINA: You've already taken the most important step -- recognizing your anger and what's triggering it. You want to avoid yelling at Danny or breaking things. Some suggestions: Walk away from the cause of your anger. Leave the room, leave the house if necessary, until you have regained control. Write a letter in which you express your feelings. You may never give that letter to Danny -- in fact, you probably shouldn't -- but you will feel 100 percent better once you have gotten it out of your system. Be sure to show your letter to your husband. He should know to what degree Danny's habits are affecting you.
There are other healthy, acceptable ways to express anger. I have incorporated some of them in my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us, and How to Deal With It." It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0477. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a man who believes in equality, but I seldom find it with the women I date. I work full time, cook, clean, wash clothes, iron, shop, etc. I don't believe there is such a thing as "woman's work." The women I know agree with this philosophy, but have a problem accepting that there is no such thing as "man's work" either.
I believe in equal pay for equal work -- with which my dates agree. But when the concept of sharing expenses is proposed, my idea of "fairness" is not well received. For example, if I buy a woman dinner on Friday night, I believe she should pay for my dinner on Saturday. If I drive one weekend, she should drive the next.
I have been called cheap, biased, and even obscene names. What's a modern man to do? -- PUZZLED IN A SMALL STATE
DEAR PUZZLED: A modern man should take into consideration whether or not the women he's dating have approximately the same income he does. All things being equal, I subscribe to your philosophy. However, it shouldn't be set in concrete as you have stated it. If the lady doesn't take you to dinner, she might reciprocate in another way: cooking dinner for you, taking you to a movie, making a picnic for the beach or a ballgame. I do differ with you on one point, however: Driving alone at night can be dangerous for women. You should provide the transportation.