For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Marriage Offers Protection for Couple Starting Family
DEAR ABBY: Our 32-year-old daughter was raised in a home with traditional values. She was excited when she got engaged last February to the fellow she was living with. We began making wedding plans.
Her interest in the wedding began to wane. On a recent visit she stated that a marriage certificate was just a piece of paper, and they don't need to be married to be committed to each other or to have children. Her fiance told us that giving their children love would be enough.
We don't understand why she changed her mind about marriage in such a short period of time. They are talking about having children, so please answer soon. What can we say to make her see the importance of traditional family life? -- WORRIED MOM, ROSWELL, GA.
DEAR WORRIED: You are overdue for a frank talk with your daughter. Why on earth is she planning to have children with someone she wouldn't want to marry?
A marriage certificate is far more than a "piece of paper." Your letter brings to mind one that appeared in this column in 1996. Its message bears repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Many couples who live together without marriage say, "We don't need a piece of paper to make our commitment to each other binding. A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing!"
WRONG! May I point out that when a person buys an automobile he had better have that "piece of paper" or he could be in a lot of trouble.
Also, a driver's license may be "just a piece of paper," but you'd better not be caught driving without it.
When a person buys a home or any other piece of property, he makes sure that he has that "piece of paper."
And when a person graduates from high school, college or trade school, that "piece of paper" can make the difference between getting a job or not getting one.
We live our lives with pieces of paper, beginning with a birth certificate and ending with a death certificate. And let's not forget the will -- another very important piece of paper.
So, when I hear people say, "A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing," I'm reminded of the classic adage, "Ignorance is bliss." -- PAPER IS PROOF
The signature says it well. A marriage certificate is written proof that a couple is officially one unit, with legal protections and benefits for spouses that single people do not enjoy. These include rights of inheritance, the ability to hold title to community property, health insurance benefits, and later in life, Social Security benefits. There is also the psychological benefit for all concerned.
If something were to happen to the father of her children, with no marriage certificate, your daughter and the children would be left with nothing -- no voice regarding his medical treatment, no claim to his body.
I'm all for "romance," but when children are being considered, it's time for a dose of practicality. Please urge your daughter to rethink her position.
DEAR ABBY: I am director of client relations at Genelex, an accredited DNA testing lab. In your Amber Alert column, you recommended that parents "keep a sample of DNA, such as several strands of hair" for identification purposes in case the child is kidnapped.
Strands of hair are good for DNA testing only if the root is intact. Chances are that if it were needed, no DNA could be recovered from several "strands" of hair. A more effective way to collect DNA is to utilize a cheek swab, using a kit that is available through many police stations. A full DNA profile can also be run in advance through a DNA testing lab. -- KRISTINE ASHCRAFT, SEATTLE
DEAR KRISTINE: Thank you for enlightening me. Parents, please take note.
DEAR READERS: If you haven't already started, it's time to compile those Christmas lists. Every year I am asked to suggest thoughtful gifts for seniors -- especially those living on a fixed income.
First, a gentle warning: Unless you are sure it is welcome, do NOT send cologne, aftershave or scented bath powder. Scents are highly personal; not every perfume works on every person.
Never give a pet to anyone unless you have made absolutely certain the person wants one and is able to properly care for it.
Unless you're sure they imbibe, refrain from giving alcoholic beverages to people. Also, while candy, nuts and holiday confections make beautiful gifts for those who are not counting calories, show compassion for those who must, and lead them not into temptation.
Many folks on fixed incomes would welcome a gift basket of goodies. Include small cans of tuna, chicken or stew; assorted flavored instant coffee and herbal teas; soup mixes, crackers, cookies, nuts, dried fruit and hot breakfast cereal. Or, fill their freezer with frozen home-cooked meals that can be microwaved in minutes.
Gift certificates can be a godsend. Give them certificates for groceries, haircuts, manicures, pedicures, massages, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, video rentals and department stores. Tickets make great gifts -- to movies, concerts, the opera, a play (could be at a local community theater) and sporting events.
Homemade coupons for "Honey-do's" ("Honey, do this -- and honey, do that") make thoughtful presents: Create some that are redeemable for chores such as window washing, painting, gardening, washing, waxing and car detailing, replacing light bulbs, cleaning ceiling fans, changing air-conditioning filters, moving heavy furniture for spring and fall cleaning, and transportation for shopping or doctors' visits, etc.
Because not all seniors drive, bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis can come in handy.
Prepayment of utilities for a month or two can be sent directly to the utility. Then let the recipients know they have that "extra" money to spend as they wish. We all know medications are notoriously expensive. A gift certificate to the neighborhood pharmacy would also be much appreciated. (Trust me on that!)
For pet owners, remember their furry, four-legged family member with a treat -- a can of dog or cat food or a rawhide chewstick or catnip toy. (They'll lap it up!)
A subscription to a magazine or newspaper you know the person will enjoy is a gift that keeps on giving. Large-print calendars with family birthdays, anniversaries, etc., marked and personalized with family photographs, are welcome, as are large-print address books with information transferred from the recipient's records.
Give a small radio or remote-control television, if finances permit. A cordless phone or answering machine makes a practical gift as well.
Other suggestions: a cuddly robe, slippers or socks with nonskid soles; sweatpants, sweatshirts and jogging shoes; stationery -- and be sure to include felt-tipped pens and lots of stamps.
And remember, the holidays can be a sad time for people who are alone. If you know someone who could use an outing, give that person the most thoughtful gift of all -- an invitation to have a meal with you and your family. Loneliness is the ultimate poverty. The greatest gift is a gift of self.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 25 years old. My parents and I had a good relationship. Mother died nine months ago, and Dad is living with me. I'm now having mixed feelings about it. I let my father move in with me so he wouldn't be alone.
What bothers me is he has been involved with at least nine women in the months since Mom died. He and Mother were married 26 years, and it depresses me when I see him with other women in my home. He acts like it's OK to bring his ladyfriends here, but I think it's disrespectful to Mother for him to see other women so soon after her death.
What can I do about Dad's behavior? -- SAD AND MAD AT DAD
DEAR SAD AND MAD AT DAD: I don't know how long your mother was ill before her death, but your father may have done his grieving at that time. It's also possible that her death has made him realize how short life is.
It was loving and caring of you to take him in. But now that he's living the life of a swinging bachelor, it's time to tell him he needs a bachelor pad of his own. What goes on under your roof is your business -- so make it your business to recommend grief counseling to your father before he makes any important decisions that could affect the rest of his life. You'll be doing him a favor.
DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Michelle," is going to be 13 next month. Her mom died recently, and she's been hanging out with an older boy who encourages her to steal cigarettes from the store and smoke them. Maybe it's just a phase, but I'm worried about Michelle. Do you think that I should end our friendship? -- WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND IN MONTANA
DEAR WORRIED: You are right to be concerned about your friend. Everyone knows that smoking is addictive, but it is particularly addictive among teenagers and pre-teens. Tell your mother what you have told me. Michelle's father needs to know that his daughter is stealing. He also needs to know that the boy she's hanging out with is bad news. If he's encouraging her to steal, what else might he be encouraging her to do?
In the meantime, limit your time with Michelle. And make absolutely sure that you're not with her when she's stealing -- or you could be accused of being an accessory to the crime.
DEAR ABBY: I have always loved my daughter-in-law, "Lucy," and treated her well. Last year, for my son "Tim's" birthday, Lucy surprised him by booking a cruise and inviting her mother along. I felt slighted to have been excluded, so when her mother called me two months later and asked me if I'd share her stateroom and the cost, I refused.
I see Lucy's mother only at Christmas. Last year, Christmas fell after I had refused her offer. Both Lucy and her mother treated me coldly, bordering on rudeness. I was miserable. What is your opinion on this? -- MISERABLE MOTHER-IN-LAW IN FLORIDA
DEAR MISERABLE: I'd call it adding insult to injury, and I don't blame you for declining an invitation that was obviously an afterthought. Before this rift gets any wider, it's time for Tim to have a serious chat with his wife and her mother about their insensitivity where you're concerned. After all, you're all part of the same extended family now.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)