Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter, "Karen," met a boy on the Internet. I guess she felt she needed to talk to him because she called him on the telephone. Unfortunately, he lives in Spain, and she ran up an $1,100 phone bill. Karen had no idea it cost that much to call him, and of course she didn't ask for my permission.
I grounded Karen until she works off the debt, which will probably take six months. I also took away her phone and Internet privileges and made her quit the school volleyball team.
Karen has ADHD, so we've had some problems with her in the past. I don't want to overreact and make her rebel or run away like I did when I was her age. What I do want is to teach her responsibility. What do you think? -- UNHAPPY MOM IN OHIO
DEAR UNHAPPY: I don't blame you for being angry, but you have gone a little overboard. It's time to reconsider the multiple punishments you've levied on your daughter. You say you don't want to overreact or make her rebel. Yet you have cut off her contact with the outside world -- no phone, no Internet, no sports. I agree she should pay at least part of the phone bill, but as she does, you should gradually reinstate her privileges.
DEAR ABBY: You dispensed some wonderful advice in your Thanksgiving Day column. You wrote, "If you're feeling down and want an instant 'upper,' the surest way ... is to do something nice for someone else." I'd like to echo your sentiments and encourage your readers to keep the doldrums at bay by volunteering.
Volunteering not only benefits the recipients of service, but often the volunteer feels better as a result of giving back. Volunteering reduces social isolation and disconnection, boosts spirits, combats stress and builds stronger communities.
According to the most recent study by the Points of Light Foundation and Indiana University, respondents said that volunteering as a family improves communication, promotes positive values, emphasizes the importance of teamwork, teaches kids empathy, respect, friendliness and tolerance, and creates a new generation of dedicated volunteers.
Please encourage your readers who might be dreading this holiday season to volunteer. Giving to others is the best way to nourish your own spirit. -- ROBERT K. GOODWIN, PRESIDENT AND CEO, POINTS OF LIGHT FOUNDATION
DEAR ROBERT: Thanks for an inspiring reminder that the surest way to forget your own troubles is to do something nice for those less fortunate. The adrenaline rush you'll get is more powerful than speed, and the "high" is perfectly legal. Everyone has something to give, and the most precious gift isn't money -- it's TIME.
Readers, to find projects in your local communities or wherever you spend your holiday vacations, call toll-free (800) 865-8683 and enter your ZIP Code, or visit www.1-800-Volunteer.org. Families can find project ideas, activities for kids and other helpful resources by exploring the Web site. Since the holiday season is upon us, don't procrastinate. Reach out and grab the opportunity to help someone.
DECEITFUL HUSBAND DESTROYS WIFE'S HOPES FOR THEIR FUTURE
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Peter" for almost four years, and we have three children under the age of 4. It is a second marriage for both of us, and I assumed it would be for a lifetime.
About a year ago, I discovered Peter was picking up prostitutes two to three times a week. When I confronted him, he accused me of making it up. He continued to cheat and has become physically abusive as well.
Peter expects me to behave as though nothing happened! My hopes and dreams have been destroyed by this man. I don't know if our marriage can survive the trauma. Can you shed some light on this for me? -- TIRED OF BEING A DOORMAT IN VIRGINIA
DEAR TIRED: Gladly, because it's time for you to SEE the light. Your husband is a sexually addicted abuser. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? How do you think it will affect your children to see you being brutalized?
I urge you to make an appointment with your doctor to be sure your husband hasn't given you an STD -- or to be treated in case he has. Then call the domestic violence toll-free hotline: (800) 799-7233, and contact an attorney who specializes in family law.
DEAR ABBY: My husband took his own life nearly 30 years ago. I have been in individual and group therapy for 20 years and in 12-step recovery for 15. Not surprisingly, my problems affected my kids when they were young.
They both live far away now. My daughter, "Margie," is in therapy and recovery. My son is in denial.
Five years ago, Margie asked her brother and me not to contact her for a while. She said she needed time and space to work on specific issues independently. I have friends who have done this with good long-term results, so it made sense to me.
Recently a few friends have urged me to write Margie and tell her I miss her. Others, including my AA friends, praise my respect for her process and say they wish they had received similar support from their families.
I regard contacting her as disrespectful, if not abusive. The door is not closed. Margie said she would resume contact when she is ready.
What do you think? -- WILLING TO QUESTION
DEAR WILLING: Since you're gathering advice, I'll put in my 2 cents' worth. Five years of silence is enough. Write Margie and tell her that while you respect her "process," you miss her. If she ignores your letter, it's her prerogative. At least you will have made the gesture of trying to bridge the gap, and that is what is important.
DEAR ABBY: I was married a little over a year ago. My husband and I received many lovely gifts. I immediately sat down and wrote my thank-you notes. However, it's been a busy year and I haven't addressed the notes or mailed them yet.
Do you think it's too late? Or should I still send them? -- BLUSHING BRIDE IN BALTIMORE
DEAR BLUSHING BRIDE: It's never too late to do the gracious thing. Send 'em out!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Girl Complains That Boys Don't See Beyond Her Bust
DEAR ABBY: I am 12, and people say I am cute. My problem is, I want boys to like me for who I am, not because I have a big bust. I hate it. How can I make boys realize that I am much more than that? -- DARLENE IN DALLAS
DEAR DARLENE: It may not be easy, because in our society it is normal for boys your age -- and older -- to fixate on a woman's "physical assets." However, one way to accomplish it is by dressing to make your bust size less noticeable. Another way is to impress them with attributes you want them to notice -- your intelligence, your personality, or some other talent or special quality.
Please consider this: Your bust size may seem like a curse now, but it can also be an advantage because it will be obvious which men care only about that, and it will help you to weed out the undesirables.
DEAR ABBY: I am a part-time server at a nice restaurant. Recently a woman came in to have lunch with "Vic," the owner. Vic paid for the woman's lunch and tipped me before he left. The woman stayed longer and talked to me for a while. When she left, she handed me a small tip. I hesitated but felt she'd be offended if I refused.
Two weeks later, this woman saw me at my other job and said Vic told her he had tipped me. She then demanded her money back. I was horrified. I didn't have cash on me so I told her to stop by the restaurant later in the week. I said I would apologize to Vic, but she said she didn't want him to know.
I feel awful about taking her tip. I mentioned it to another employee, and she said I shouldn't feel bad because what this woman did was appalling. Was I wrong in taking the tip? -- SHOCKED SERVER IN AMERICA
DEAR SHOCKED: When the woman offered you the tip, you should have told her Vic had already taken care of it. However, for her to demand the money back was rude. Return the money and steer clear of her in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Curtis" for 10 years. His wife recently found out about us and blocked my number from his telephone. (As though that's going to stop us from talking!)
I see Curtis every day. Everyone knows, and some people think we're married. Curtis has been part of my life and my family for so long I can't imagine life without him.
I love Curtis and he loves me. It just seems like he doesn't want anything to change. I have tried to end the relationship, but Curtis keeps coming back. He says he is not in love with his wife and that he will leave if she runs him off. I'm so confused.
I love Curtis. I don't want to be without him. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life as the "other woman" either. If Curtis' wife is willing to put up with knowing the truth about us, should I stay with him? -- SECOND PLACE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR SECOND PLACE: Why should Curtis change anything? He has a wife who tolerates his straying and a honey on the side who believes anything he tells her. Do you really want someone who will be with you only by default?
You have already thrown away 10 years of your life on this addiction. Regardless of what his wife does, you should quit cold turkey.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)