To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
TEEN FINDS SURPRISING HISTORY WHILE RUMMAGING IN THE ATTIC
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and recently went snooping through some old boxes in the attic. In one of them, I found a wedding picture with my mother as a bride. I was shocked to see that the groom was not my father. He was a man who is a friend of the family! The date on the photograph is 1980. I had no clue that my mother was ever married before.
Do you think my father knows? I don't know what to do with this news. -- IN SHOCK IN OREGON
DEAR IN SHOCK: Here's what to do with the "news." Show the wedding picture to your mother and say, "That must have been some costume party!"
Seriously, I'm sure her first marriage isn't meant to be a deep, dark family secret. I'm also sure your father is aware of it, because a prior marriage is something that someone HAS to reveal before remarrying; the question is asked at the registrar's office when a couple applies for a marriage license.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old married woman. "Jerry" and I have been married just a year, but we've been together for almost four. We have one child who is 3 and another on the way.
Jerry joined the Navy soon after our wedding. He met "Hank" in boot camp, and they became good friends and hung out together until Jerry was deployed to Japan. Hank remained here and comes over from time to time to play with our son.
For the most part, I am content in my marriage, but lately I've had strong feelings for Hank. Hank has told me he has feelings for me, too. Now I'm mixed up about everything. I don't know if I could ever leave my marriage, but more and more I can picture myself with Hank.
Please don't get me wrong, Abby. I've never been one to do wild and crazy things, but right now I feel like I have no control over this. Jerry doesn't suspect anything and I don't know if I need to tell him -- after all, Hank and I haven't "slipped." But my feelings are too strong to ignore. Please help. -- CONFUSED NAVY WIFE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFUSED NAVY WIFE: Your husband is away. You are lonely. You are pregnant with your second child, and you are feeling vulnerable. However, you have more control than you think. You can stop seeing Hank -- so you will no longer be tempted to "slip." If you feel you need emotional support, speak to a chaplain on the naval base. You're a military wife now, and it's important that you stay strong for your husband. E-mail him. Write to him. Keep yourself occupied. Fill your time so you won't have time to dwell on Hank.
DEAR ABBY: I am having a terrible time with my husband, "Josh." We have been married almost 10 years, but the last six have been miserable.
Josh refuses to work on a regular basis. He's a compulsive liar who looks me right in the eye and lies with conviction. I know my marriage is over, but I am afraid of how a divorce will affect our two kids. It has gotten so bad the kids ask me why I am always unhappy. I am heartbroken, Abby. I know I need to make the break and move on -- but how? -- HEARTBROKEN WIFE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Tell your husband you will no longer tolerate the lying, and offer him the chance to take his problem to a therapist. If he refuses, give serious thought to how living with a compulsive liar will affect your children, and then consult an attorney. You did not create this problem, so stop feeling guilty about protecting yourself and the children.
DEAR ABBY: Would you please forward my letter to a very good friend of mine? I have never met this remarkable woman, but she has been a big part of my life for a couple of years. I met her through your column. Her name is "Heartbroken Sister."
I recently celebrated my first year of abstinence from tobacco. She was my inspiration. Had it not been for her letter, I would never have been able to stop. Like "Heartbroken's" sister, I, too, am in my early 40s with small children. Like her, I started smoking at 13. That letter broke my heart, but it also made me think about the importance of being responsible for my health. I know she was trying to get through to teenagers, but she wound up saving my life. Her sister didn't die in vain!
Please tell "Heartbroken" that I love her and that she's always in my heart and prayers. Her letter remains posted on my refrigerator where I can see it every day as a reminder of her inspiration and love. -- LYDIA ELDREDGE, POCATELLO, IDAHO
DEAR LYDIA: Congratulations for conquering your addiction. Your letter warmed my heart. You chose the right time to write. November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month, and today is the 27th annual Great American Smokeout. For those who may not know about it, the Smokeout is an upbeat, good-humored, one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit for 24 hours -- just to prove to themselves they can do it.
The letter that inspired you appeared in my column in November 2000. Today I'm printing excerpts from it because more than half of all smokers start before age 14. A majority of teenage smokers have tried to quit, but can't. They're "hooked." An estimated 2,000 teens a day begin to smoke. Tragically, half of them will eventually die from a smoking-related illness. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Aug. 4 would have been my sister's 45th birthday. Sadly, she died in October of 1999. She had been a smoker since she was 13.
During her illness, I promised her I would try to stop as many kids as I could from making the same deadly mistake.
Teenagers and Preteens: Smoking isn't "cool." It's deadly! If you don't smoke, please don't ever start. If you do smoke, quit NOW -- if you can. Tobacco products are silent killers. By the time you find out you have a tobacco-related illness, it's usually too late.
More than 440,000 people in the United States die of tobacco-related diseases each year. I'm sure each and every one of them thought, "It won't happen to me." That's exactly what my sister thought. She was wrong -- dead wrong. Thanks to her addiction, she'll miss her sons' graduations, she'll never attend their weddings or see the faces of her grandchildren. She won't grow old with the husband she loved and who adored her.
Our family is devastated. We miss my beautiful sister with all our hearts. Please help me spread the word. -- HEARTBROKEN SISTER
READERS: The American Cancer Society informs me that when smokers quit, the benefits begin immediately. Twenty minutes after the last cigarette, blood pressure drops to a level close to that before the last cigarette. Eight hours after quitting, carbon monoxide levels in the blood drop to normal. Twenty-four hours later, the chance of heart attack decreases.
After one to nine months, coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue and shortness of breath decrease, and cilia regain normal function in the lungs, increasing the ability to handle mucus, clean the lungs and reduce infection. One year later, excess risk of coronary heart disease is half that of a smoker's.
After five years, stroke risk is reduced to that of a nonsmoker. After 10 years, the lung cancer fatality rate is about half that of a smoker's, and the risk of oral, throat, esophageal, bladder, kidney and pancreatic cancer also decreases. Fifteen years after quitting, the risk of coronary heart disease is the same as that of a nonsmoker's.
Take it from me -- those are all terrific incentives to quit TODAY.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DORM COUPLE'S COUPLING IS TOO CLOSE FOR ROOMMATE'S COMFORT
DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college and live in a dorm with one roommate, "Mary." Mary has had a boyfriend for two years. I'll call him "John." John goes to school a couple of hours away and visits Mary on weekends once or twice a month. This usually isn't a problem for me, as I can plan ahead to go home for the weekend, or go out with friends so Mary and John can have the room to themselves for a few hours.
Yesterday, on short notice, Mary told me that John was spending the night. I frantically tried to make plans to be "elsewhere," but nothing worked out. I told Mary I'd camp out in our dorm lounge, but she said not to worry because John was dead-tired and wanted to go to sleep right away. After he arrived, I sat at my desk doing homework on my computer and listening to music with headphones while Mary and John watched TV in bed.
When I glanced over at them a half-hour later, they were having sex! I didn't know what to do. I tried to ignore them and continue "studying," but it was very distracting to have my roommate and her boyfriend "going at it" 5 feet away. When I woke up this morning, they were doing it again! I pretended to be asleep until they went to breakfast.
Mary has never done anything to embarrass me before. Talking about the incident would make me extremely uncomfortable, but I know something needs to be said before John visits again. Should I talk to Mary -- or just pretend this nightmare didn't happen? -- ANONYMOUS ROOMIE IN A WELL-KNOWN COLLEGE TOWN
DEAR ROOMIE: Take the bull by the horns. Tell Mary that although you are open-minded, you're not a voyeur -- so in the future, she should take that X-rated show elsewhere. It may be embarrassing, but if you don't speak up, the situation will become even more embarrassing. It's your room, too, and what your roommate did was inappropriate and disrespectful.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old boy, and I have finally found the girl of my dreams. "Lisa" is sweet, kind and very cute. She's my first love. I always want to make her happy and I never want to be without her.
There is only one problem. I'll be 18 in a few months. Lisa is only 15 and won't be 16 until next year. I'm afraid people will make us separate because I will soon be an "adult." This just hit me and I'm out on a limb. I love her so much. Is there anything I can do? -- SHOT IN THE HEART
DEAR SHOT IN THE HEART: Since Lisa's parents have not yet objected to the age difference, the chances are they will not do a "180" when your birthday arrives. However, if you are concerned about this, the wisest thing to do would be to talk to her parents about it. Sometimes when you confront a problem head-on, it's not as insurmountable as you fear.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 30 years. He's been a wonderful stepfather to my three children -- always a good "dad" and a loving and generous grandfather to their kids.
My husband's older sister died last summer, and four months after that his brother passed away. I felt strongly that my children should have shown their sympathy and respect by sending their stepdad flowers, or at least a card in his time of grief. None of them did anything -- not even a phone call.
Abby, am I wrong, or were they? What is the proper action for adult stepchildren to take under these circumstances? -- FEELING HURT IN GEORGIA
DEAR FEELING HURT: Your children should have telephoned their stepfather and extended their condolences. If they live close by, they should have come to you and offered assistance. If travel was a problem, they should have written a condolence letter or sent a card. To have ignored their stepfather's loss was insensitive.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)