For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend hits me and makes me have sex with him all the time. He says he does this because I make him do it. He tells me he is the only guy who could ever love me. Please tell me what I am doing wrong. I am scared it's going to get worse. -- AFRAID IN THE BROKEN HEARTLAND
DEAR AFRAID: You have done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is a rapist and an abuser, and he is using a classic abuser's technique -- make the victim blame herself. It WILL get worse unless you put a stop to it. I urge you to pick up the phone and call the police. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). There is help for you.
The following warning signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark. Please read them carefully. I'm positive you will recognize your abuser in many of them.
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."
TEEN'S COLLEGE SEARCH SNAGS ON MOM'S LOW EXPECTATIONS
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old high school junior who is busy searching to find the right college. I'm in the top 10 percent of my class, active in extracurricular activities and community services, and have never given my parents an ounce of trouble.
My problem is my mother and I do not see eye-to-eye when it comes to researching colleges. My family doesn't have much money and cannot afford to send me to an expensive university, which I fully understand. However, Mom gets mad when I inquire about ANY school out of our price range.
My reason for wanting to survey all my options is to seek as much information as possible about financial aid, work grants and scholarships. Mother refuses to entertain the idea of co-signing a loan. She has come right out and said I'm wasting my time and being delusional.
I think I am realistic. I accept the fact that I won't be going to an Ivy League school. But I see no harm in refusing to limit myself to state-funded schools. Am I on the right track, or is Mom way ahead of me? -- TIRED OF BEING NAGGED IN NEW YORK
DEAR TIRED: You are asking intelligent questions. But the person you should be asking is your counselor at school. From my perspective, knowledge is power. There are many scholarships available, and you are wise to explore all of your options -- including the Ivy League.
DEAR ABBY: Please alert your readers to a program that has been established to help military retirees who have service-connected disabilities. Congress has authorized special compensation to help offset military retirement pay that is forfeited in order to receive disability compensation from the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA).
This program began June 1, 2003. It is called Combat-Related Special Compensation (CRSC). The program is only for those who have at least 20 years of military service and who have combat- or operations-related disabilities. This includes any disability that resulted in award of a Purple Heart, or conditions rated by the military or the VA as 60 percent to 100 percent disabling, and caused by combat or combat/operations-related events.
Abby, I hope you'll publicize this important program to help compensate disabled military retirees who have given so much to this nation while protecting our freedoms. -- VICE ADM. NORBERT R. RYAN JR. USN (RET.)
DEAR VICE ADM. RYAN: I'm pleased to help spread the word. I'm sure many retired veterans will be grateful for your letter.
Military retirees: To find out more about CRSC and how and where to apply for the program, contact the retiree affairs office at the nearest military installation or go to the Department of Defense Web site at https://www.dmdc.osd.mil/crsc.
DEAR ABBY: When you asked readers to report on their success or failure after they remarried their former spouses, I was reminded of a story.
A man who had recently remarried his first wife ran into an old friend whom he hadn't seen for some time, and told him he had just gotten married again. "Congratulations," said his friend. "I sure hope she's better looking than the first one!" -- HOWARD IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HOWARD: Which proves that the only thing more dangerous than commenting on a former spouse's looks is commenting on the person's virtue.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
PLANNED ESCAPE ROUTE ENSURES FAMILY SAFETY IN CASE OF FIRE
DEAR ABBY: Can you imagine waking to the sound of your smoke alarm in the middle of the night? Would you know what to do? Half of all home fires occur between 10:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m. -- when most people are sound asleep.
This year the National Fire Protection Association (NFPA), the official sponsor of Fire Protection Week for more than 80 years, has teamed with Pella Windows and Doors and the Home Safety Council to promote fire safety education and preparedness during Fire Prevention Week, Oct. 5-11, 2003. Our theme: "When Fire Strikes, GET out! STAY out!" Our campaign drives home the message that when the smoke alarm goes off, you should leave right away using one of your two preplanned escape routes -- AND NOT GO BACK INSIDE FOR ANY REASON.
Abby, please let parents know that as part of their escape plan, they must make sure that smoke alarms wake everyone in the home, especially children. If family members do not wake to the sound of the alarm, consider installing interconnected smoke alarms in all the bedrooms. When one alarm sounds, they all sound. Or assign an adult to take the sound sleepers and assist them in escaping.
Thank you for sharing this important information with your readers. -- JAMES M. SHANNON, PRESIDENT, NFPA
DEAR READERS: Since this is Fire Prevention Week, I can think of no better time for all of us to ensure that there are working batteries in our smoke alarms. If you haven't already done so, now is also the time to craft a fire escape plan so that if your fire alarm does sound, you and your loved ones will all get out without being injured. Plan not one, but two avenues of escape in case one is blocked. Also, an escape plan is no good unless everyone is familiar with it -- so practice, practice, practice.
DEAR ABBY: Years before we met, my husband, "Phil," had a relationship with a married woman I'll call Trish. It began before we met and ended when our relationship began. Phil and Trish believe that her first child is his.
For the first seven years of this child's life, Phil watched the child from afar and continued having relations with Trish. Her husband has no clue.
I told Phil I wanted nothing to do with this charade. I said they should both fess up and come clean for the child's sake. It never happened. But since he terminated his relationship with Trish, I really couldn't complain.
Trish has continued to e-mail and call Phil attempting to arrange a dinner for the two of them so they can catch up, and he could be kept informed of the child's development. (He is now 13.) I told Phil I would entertain the idea if Trish's husband and I were included. He said that was impossible.
Last night, Phil received an e-mail from Trish stating that he had promised he would "always be there" for her -- and now he isn't. Phil didn't respond.
I don't want to cause additional hardship for the child. Am I being immature, unrealistic or unfair? Your input, please. -- PHIL'S WIFE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR WIFE: You are none of the above. You are a shrewd lady who is trying to protect her marriage.
If any dinners are planned so Phil can "be there" for Trish, you should also be there. It will send a strong message.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)