For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
IN THIS APARTMENT, THREE'S COMPANY BUT FIVE'S A CROWD
DEAR ABBY: "Karl" and I met a few days after he had broken up with his girlfriend, "Liza." My brother introduced us. I was leery at first. I had heard Liza was pregnant with Karl's child, but he told me it was over between them. I guess Karl said all the right things because we immediately hooked up and our relationship got serious fast.
A week later, Liza called Karl to "discuss the baby." At that point, Karl and I were living together. He went to see her and didn't return until morning. Liza called me in the middle of the night, announced that she and Karl were back together, and told me that I had to move out. Since there wasn't time to find a new apartment, I moved into the guest room.
Surprisingly, we have all been getting along really well, but there is something that I haven't told them -- I am also pregnant with Karl's child.
I really don't know what to do. Karl has two kids on the way and they are less than a month apart. Please help. -- A HOPELESS PREGNANT WOMAN
DEAR HOPELESS: The first thing you must do is consult a lawyer and discuss establishing paternity and child support for your child. Although the three of you are getting along now, there is no guarantee that it will continue when there are five of you. Bear in mind that Liza, not Karl, was the person who told you to move out. It's unlikely that Karl is ever going to give you an exclusive commitment.
DEAR ABBY: For the past five years, I have been concentrating on school in an effort to support my 5-year-old son who lives with his mother. We never married; I am gay. I see my son a couple of times a month.
I recently quit my job because it was too much to handle with school. I want to spend quality time with my son -- something I never had with my own father -- but I don't have much money and I don't remember what 5-year-old boys like to do.
This is my last chance to be a good father. Abby, can you think of some activities my son would enjoy? -- WANTS TO BE A GOOD DAD, RALEIGH, N.C.
DEAR DAD: I applaud you for wanting to participate in your son's life. The child will enjoy just spending time with you and knowing you. Listen to what he has to say and take an interest in the things he likes.
Some excursions the two of you could enjoy together might include an age-appropriate movie, a sporting event, a trip to the zoo, going to get an ice cream cone, camping out and/or hiking, or a visit to a park playground. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. A picnic and game of catch are fun.
Reading to your son is another activity that he would like. Go to the library and ask the librarian to recommend books you and your son can enjoy together.
Readers: Any other ideas?
DEAR ABBY: Last week I went to a store to buy a greeting card. When I went to pay at the checkout stand, I saw the most beautiful girl smiling at me. When I handed her my money, I asked her name. She told me, but I was so nervous I didn't give her my name.
How can I get this fantastic stranger interested in me? -- CHECKING OUT THE CHECKOUT GIRL
DEAR CHECKING OUT: Go back to the store. Buy another card or two. If she's wearing a name tag, call her by name and introduce yourself. (Fortunately for you, the holiday season is fast approaching, and you can buy LOTS of cards ... one card at a time!)
SCHOOL YARD BULLY'S THREATS DESERVE SERIOUS ADULT ACTION
DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl who feels like I have lived long enough and it's OK to die. A girl at my school, "Kim," pressured me to give her my telephone number and the names of the boys I like. She gets her friends to threaten, corner and question me.
Now I get crank calls at least once a month. My mother called Kim's mother, but she accused me of treating her daughter badly! Kim has lied and hurt me severely. I don't know what to do. Please help. -- WANTING TO MOVE OUT OF CALIFORNIA
DEAR WANTING: If there is teasing, threatening, stalking or bullying going on at school, your teacher should be informed. If that doesn't put a stop to it, your parents should take the problem to the principal and, if need be, to the school board. You have a right to go to school without being cornered or intimidated.
Your mother should also arrange a get-together with Kim's mother and, without making any accusations, get to the bottom of what's going on. It will be time well spent.
DEAR ABBY: I am 27 and have been happily married to "Brian" for four years. Our first child is due in November. I couldn't be more excited about this baby. The problem lies with my husband. While I am sure Brian wants a baby and will love our child with all his heart, I am not sure he's ready for parenthood.
I realize that no one can ever be truly prepared for the life changes a baby can throw your way, but I'm afraid that this is not the right time in Brian's life for it. He swears that he is ready and has no regrets about my pregnancy. He claims that this is what life is all about. But I can't shake the feeling that my husband is not as ready as he claims.
I love Brian and know he'll be a great dad. However, I fear that our child may drive a wedge between us when he realizes that the baby's needs must come before his own. How can I be the mom I want to be and still keep my husband happy? -- EXCITED BUT WORRIED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR EXCITED: Since your husband has said repeatedly that he's happy about impending fatherhood, believe him. Relax and enjoy your baby. There will probably be times when you both may feel trapped and wish you could live life more spontaneously. All parents feel that way at times -- and when they do, they find a baby sitter and spend some adult time with each other.
I urge you not to obsess about the negative. That, more than anything else, could drive a wedge between you.
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman who signed her letter "Mother of Invention." Years ago, my son, Jim, forgot my birthday, and I also sent my daughter-in-law a sympathy card with a note saying I didn't know my "negligent" son had died.
A few days later, a large bouquet of flowers arrived. Attached to the flowers was this card:
"Sorry to hear about your loss. He was a great son. We will always remember him for his timeliness. Love, Jim and Susan"
My thanks to "Mother of Invention" and to you for printing that letter. It brought back memories. -- MOTHER OF A GREAT SON IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR MOTHER: I like your son's sense of humor. I'll bet that was the last time he forgot your birthday.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
ABUSIVE SUPERVISOR LEAVES WORKER WITH NO PLACE TO TURN
DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem with my supervisor at work. I'll call her Lydia. I began working for Lydia last year after being laid off for four months from another company. Since then, I've been picked on and harassed unmercifully. I find myself "walking on eggshells" and feeling anxious every day. Lydia is constantly looking for something about me to criticize. She does not treat anyone else this way, and I cannot figure out the best way to deal with her.
Please don't tell me to complain to the human resources department because I have already tried that. I was told to fill out a grievance report and submit it to Lydia's boss -- who I have heard say: "Lydia makes all the decisions. I trust her judgment and I support her to the end."
I have been documenting Lydia's treatment of me since last spring. I cannot afford to lose my job; however, I don't know if I have the emotional strength to tolerate the abuse much longer. -- TIRED OF GETTING YELLED AT IN DAYTON, OHIO
DEAR TIRED: Make sure you're doing a good job and are punctual about attendance. Continue documenting Lydia's treatment. Since "complaining" has not helped, present copies of your documentation to the human resources director. That should get the director's attention. If the situation doesn't improve, start looking for another job -- and send a copy of your documentation to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), along with a letter of complaint.
DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old daughter, "Linda," moved back home to live with my husband and me. She recently attempted suicide and is now going to counseling for substance abuse and depression. I have tried hard to avoid bringing up old issues that have created problems between us in the past. One issue that keeps recurring, however, is the embarrassing way Linda dresses. The clothes she wears make her look cheap and available.
Should we bite our tongues and keep our mouths shut? -- SILENTLY HURTING IN GEORGIA
DEAR SILENTLY HURTING: Refrain from saying anything critical that could be blown out of proportion at this sensitive time. Your daughter is dealing with far more serious issues than fashion faux pas right now. When it's appropriate, her counselor will probably address the issue of how she is packaging herself. So be patient. In situations like this, timing is everything.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dan," and I divorced six years ago when our daughter, "Jessica," was 3 months old. Jessica and her father are very close and visit each other often. The problem is, Dan and his father had an argument several years ago and haven't talked since. Jessica has not seen her grandfather for several years, and she asks me what happened to him.
Would it be OK for me to contact Dan's father? I don't want to overstep my bounds or do anything to strain the friendly relationship I have with Dan. I don't see why Jessica can't visit her grandfather even though the "grown-ups" can't get along. Please advise. -- CONFUSED IN NORTHRIDGE, CALIF.
DEAR CONFUSED: Before making any phone calls to Grandpa, first discuss it with Dan. Tell him that Jessica has been asking about her grandfather. It's possible that your daughter's request will cause some fences to be mended, so think positive.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)