Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DISINTEGRATING FAMILY HAS DAUGHTER READY TO CRACK
DEAR ABBY: I need your help. I am 28 years old and have two great parents. Their marriage has not always been the best.
My mom confided to me the other night that she has been seeing a man who works with her. I couldn't believe it. Mom is a recovering alcoholic, sober for 12 years -- and since she met this man, she goes out with him several times a week for drinks and dinner.
I am ready to fall apart. My teenage sister is in drug rehab, and now my mother starts drinking again, cheats on my father and asks me not to tell. On top of that, I have a child with disabilities. What am I to do?
I love my parents dearly. Should I tell my dad about the other man? I have asked my mom to stop, but she says this man "treats her like a queen." -- STRESSED TO THE MAX IN THE SOUTH
DEAR STRESSED: For your sanity, take yourself out of the middle. As much as you love them, you are not responsible for saving your parents' marriage. Your father must be aware on some level that your mother is drinking again.
"Queens" have been known to lose their heads, and it appears your mother has lost hers. The next time she confides in you about her Prince Charming, tell her you refuse to be her confidante. Silence makes you an accomplice. Give your mother a deadline to come clean with your father, and tell her if she doesn't tell him what's going on by then, you will. Between your mother and your sister, your father has enough problems. He doesn't need a sexually transmitted disease on top of everything else.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old college student living at home. I recently met a guy I'll call "Sandy" over the Internet. I found his e-mail address on an e-pals site and wrote to him. We have been chatting online almost every night and have fallen in love.
Sandy and I are serious about each other, and he is who he says he is, because I have done some background checks on him. I am planning on traveling to see him as soon as I earn the money. (He lives in Australia.)
My problem is my parents. They are very protective and refuse to accept how I feel about Sandy. They worry because I met him on the Internet.
How should Sandy and I approach my parents? We thought about Sandy writing them a letter, but I don't know if that would work. Please help. -- IN LOVE IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR IN LOVE: I understand your parents' concern, because people are not always what they represent themselves to be on the Internet. However, many people have found true love via the information superhighway, so the fact that you met Sandy online should not automatically rule him out. Ask him to visit you and your family, rather than you making that first move. It would prove his sincerity and give your parents a chance to ease their concerns by giving him the traditional "once-over." I wish you the best of luck.
Protect Paycheck Dollars by Using Your Good Sense
DEAR ABBY: Every time I walk into a bank to use the ATM, I notice the trash cans are full of paycheck stubs. Don't these customers realize that in most cases their Social Security numbers are printed on those stubs along with their full names and addresses?
Please get the word out: BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION! Also, is there any reason why our full Social Security number has to be printed on our paycheck stubs? In this age of electronic transfer and identity theft, it seems another ID code could be implemented. Thank you for letting me spout off. -- REGINA IN N.Y.
DEAR REGINA: Your letter is a timely one because October has been designated "Security Month." (How sad that we need to have one.) You're absolutely right that people should be ultra-careful about paycheck stubs. They should be equally careful about canceled checks, receipts, and any other item that could be stolen and used to aid in identity theft. Many people save their paycheck stubs to give to their accountant at the end of the year or to keep track of accumulated vacation time -- so they shouldn't be discarded in haste anyway.
According to Mariana Gitomer of the Social Security office in Los Angeles, the Social Security Administration does not require Social Security numbers on paychecks. Some employers use only a portion of the numbers rather than the complete ID. Since the practice is discretionary, concerned employees should discuss with their employers whether it should be continued. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As president and founder of the world's largest document destruction and recycling company, I know firsthand how important it is to be vigilant when it comes to the dangers of identity theft. Studies show that this crime affects more than a million victims each year -- making it one of the fastest-growing crimes in North America.
Identity theft occurs when criminals steal your personal information and use it for fraudulent purposes, frequently costing victims thousands of dollars. Most often this happens when people throw away their personal papers such as bills, credit card statements and preapproved credit card offers.
Some steps you can take to protect your confidential information:
(1) Check your credit reports once a year to make sure there are no discrepancies.
(2) Guard your Social Security number and don't carry your Social Security card with you unless absolutely necessary.
(3) Always destroy papers containing personal information prior to throwing them out (a cross-cut shredder is best).
(4) Never give your information to telephone solicitors, unless you have called them yourself.
(5) Consider using a locked mailbox to receive all mail.
(6) If you have Internet access on your computer, always install a firewall.
(7) Businesses should talk to their employees about the importance of confidentiality and establish clear guidelines on workplace security. -- GREG BROPHY, PRESIDENT, SHRED-IT INTERNATIONAL INC.
DEAR GREG: Thank you for pointing out that preventing identity theft is simply a matter of being cautious, proactive and always vigilant with one's private information. Readers, heed his warning NOW. Remember: Better safe than sorry!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 10 years old and live with my mom, my sister and brother in Texas. My grandparents and my aunt live nearby, and they come over a lot. They are always telling me how important it is to visit my dad and his family in Chicago and to have a good relationship with them.
Abby, I spend six weeks with my dad every summer -- and I don't want to go there any more. Dad never keeps his promises to me, and he is always threatening me with "the belt." I am afraid of him. My Chicago grandparents tell me they love me more than my Texas grandparents, but they don't call me very often, and I hate that they say bad things about my mom.
How can I get out of visiting my dad next summer? -- SICK OF VISITING MY DAD
DEAR SICK OF VISITING: If you haven't already done so, tell your mother how you feel and why. Your mother should speak to your father and explain that his form of discipline is not only not working, but it's driving you away and is emotionally abusive. She should also speak to the lawyer who represented her in the divorce about the visitation arrangement. Perhaps your visit should be supervised. Please show your mother this letter.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old college senior. My live-in fiance, "Ray," is 31 and divorced. We have an infant son together. His three children, all under 12, are with us every other weekend.
When I entered this relationship, I had no concept of the tremendous responsibilities I would be taking on. Besides a full-time class schedule, I take care of our baby, cook every meal and clean the house. I also look after Ray's kids when they're here.
Because of our age difference, I sometimes feel that my values and goals conflict with Ray's. I want to focus on my career, but Ray feels my household duties should come first. I do not want to be the only one shouldering the burden. I want to have a professional life after I graduate. Ray does not make me feel appreciated, and I need advice about what to do about it. -- OVERLOADED AND UNDERVALUED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR OVER/UNDER: You and Ray appear to have different priorities. You want a career; he wants a housekeeper and baby sitter for his children. Ideally, your fiance should be helping you to achieve your goals. If you cannot fully express your feelings to him and arrive at a compromise, it may be time to re-evaluate your feelings about this entire relationship before it goes any further.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are discussing divorce after only eight months of marriage. Neither of us is happy, and I guess we weren't as ready as we thought we were. I feel terrible about the $20,000 my parents spent on our wedding, not to mention all the beautiful and expensive gifts we received from family and friends.
Should we pay my parents back the money? What should we do about the gifts? Please help us do the right thing. -- NOT HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN TEXAS
DEAR NOT HAPPILY: I commend you for wanting to do the right thing. Any gifts that have not been used should be offered to the people who gave them. Cash gifts that have not been spent should be returned. Offer to repay your parents for the wedding expenses, but it should not be necessary. The wedding was their gift to you.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)