Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Down Syndrome Families Celebrate Their Kids' Lives
DEAR ABBY: Your readers may have seen articles about a university professor who killed her infant daughter and then days later, herself. The professor said that she killed her daughter, who had Down syndrome, because she "didn't want her to suffer."
Far from suffering, people with Down syndrome can live full and meaningful lives. Last month, more than 1,600 parents, professionals, advocates and siblings attended our national convention to celebrate the lives and possibilities of persons with Down syndrome.
People and resources are available in each state to help with concerns related to postpartum depression, other forms of mental illness, and issues related to raising a child with a disability. Please inform your readers with questions related to Down syndrome that the NDSC toll-free hotline is (800) 232-6372; our Web site is www.ndsccenter.org. -- DAVID TOLLESON, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NATIONAL DOWN SYNDROME CONGRESS
DEAR DAVID: I have had many requests from readers asking me to reprint a wonderful essay that was penned by Emily Perl Kingsley, the mother of a child with Down syndrome. Because October is National Down Syndrome Awareness Month, I can think of no better time to do it. Her essay is dedicated to the families of all children who cope with disabilities.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability -- to try to help people who have not shared the unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this:
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. Michelangelo's "David." The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plans. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. You must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
Mom Is Desperate to Get Son Off Her Couch and on His Own
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two young daughters and a 21-year-old son, "Billy," who dropped out of high school during his senior year. When it happened, I was very upset. I told him if he wanted to continue to live at home, he would have to get a full-time job and pay rent. Billy didn't like that idea, so he went to live with his girlfriend and her parents, who didn't seem to care that he had no job.
About a year ago, Billy's girlfriend broke up with him. Since he had no place to go, I told him he could stay with me temporarily. He has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Billy has only a part-time job. He says that's all he can find. I'm tired of supporting him and I think he should be out on his own by now, but if I kick him out, he'll have nowhere to go. His father is no help. Billy rarely sees him. I'm at my wit's end. Please tell me what I should do. -- FED-UP MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MOM: Your son may have trouble finding full-time employment because he lacks a high school diploma. His first priority should be to contact his high school and find out how to get his GED. Then he must start studying again and pick up where he left off when he dropped out.
I know it's frustrating, but be patient a little longer. I don't know what Billy's talents are, but if he isn't college material, he should consider going to a trade school and learning a marketable skill. The job market is difficult right now, so accept the fact that a part-time job and getting his equivalency diploma may be all Billy can manage for a while.
As long as your son is willing to work toward success, you should be willing to compromise. However, if he isn't willing to go to trade school or get a GED, he should get a full-time job. There are jobs at fast-food places, movie theaters, supermarkets, etc., that don't require skills and/or diplomas. At 21, your son is too old to be supported. Be prepared to be firm with him, because if you aren't, he may never learn to fly on his own.
DEAR ABBY: I need advice. I am a woman in my mid-30s, married more than 10 years, and the mother of two children. My husband, "Howard," is a good father and has an important job with a six-figure income. I don't have to work. I buy whatever I want and Howard doesn't mind.
My problem is, I don't think I'm in love with Howard. He has an extremely low sex drive. We haven't been intimate in years. In fact, out of frustration, I moved out of the bedroom last year. I have tried talking to him about our problem to no avail. He refuses to go to counseling.
To complicate matters, three years ago I began an affair with a married man. Although he and his wife have children, they are divorcing. We want to be together, but I don't know if I can leave Howard. My lover earns less than half of what Howard makes, plus he will have to pay child support. I don't know if I can manage on his salary. Please understand, I don't work because I don't want to put my kids in day care.
As I see it, I have three choices:
(1) Continue the affair and hope nobody finds out.
(2) Leave Howard and hope my lover and I can make it on his small salary.
(3) End the affair.
If we end the affair, I think one of us would have to move. We live in a small town and travel in the same social circles. This whole thing is driving me crazy. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: In a nutshell, it comes down to this: Which is more important to you -- sex or money? Both are powerful motivators, but only you can answer that question.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN'S 'FRIENDSHIP' LUNCHES RAISE HIS WIFE'S SUSPICIONS
DEAR ABBY: I think I am going crazy. My husband, "Lou," retired from the travel business two years ago. Since then, he has maintained a friendship with a married woman, "Maggie," who worked in his office. I didn't mind their bimonthly lunches as long as they took place in a public restaurant.
I recently learned, by chance, that they have been having lunch in Maggie's home, have taken a business trip together out of town, and even went canoeing. They also arranged to travel with her husband to select land to build a cabin on. When her husband couldn't go, Lou and Maggie went by themselves.
Lou has become sneaky and secretive about his meetings with Maggie, but he insists that they are "just friends" and that "nobody is going to tell him to give her up."
He finally agreed to go back to meeting her in public, but he complains that I am "suspicious." I know he eagerly awaits their luncheons together because he gets all dressed up and puts on deodorant.
Abby, I am 10 years younger than my husband. I am active and considered good-looking. Although Lou says he loves me, his words ring hollow. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Am I justified in asking him to give up this "friend"? Should I consider leaving him? -- SECOND FIDDLE IN ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR SECOND FIDDLE: Maggie may be just a friend, but your husband should consider your feelings first. His lack of candor and secretiveness would make anyone suspicious. Since this is "only a friendship," it's time you were included in these luncheons. Make a point of making yourself available. If your husband refuses, try marriage counseling before you pack your bags.
DEAR ABBY: As I sat on my porch today, I could hear my neighbor beating his children. I called Child Protective Services and reported it.
I have lived here only a few months, Abby, but the child abuser has lived here for about 10 years. Why am I the first person to report it? The other neighbors have certainly heard the screaming, too.
I told the social worker, "It sounds like a leather belt striking the skin." When he asked how I knew what a belt sounds like when it hits skin, I told him that I was abused as a child. For 13 years I was beaten almost daily. No one ever came to my rescue. Our neighbors must have heard my screams, too, but no one did a thing to stop it -- just like the neighbors I have now.
Abby, people must realize that they may be the only ones who can make a difference in a child's life. Children can't stand up to an adult who beats them. Help is available -- and it's just a phone call away. You don't even have to give your name.
I made the phone call because when I was a child I prayed every day for SOMEONE to help me -- but no one ever did. I refuse to allow another child to be treated the way I was. -- GOOD NEIGHBOR IN RENO
DEAR GOOD NEIGHBOR: You were right to speak out. All a person who suspects child abuse and/or neglect has to do is pick up the phone and ask the operator for the phone number of Child Protective Services. One phone call can prevent years of suffering -- and literally make the difference between life and death. Kudos to you.
DEAR READERS: At 2:00 a.m., daylight-saving time came to an end. Did you remember to turn your clocks back one hour? And have you replaced the batteries in your smoke alarms? If not, now's the time!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)