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Homework Helper Does Heavy Lifting to Save Falling Friend
DEAR ABBY: I am in middle school and have been helping my friend, "Heidi," with her schoolwork. When Heidi first asked for help, I didn't mind. But now she expects me to do all her assignments.
Yesterday after school, I tried to help Heidi with her homework in the library, but she kept wandering off to talk to friends. Abby, I don't want to help someone who doesn't make an effort, but I feel responsible because Heidi's grades are falling fast. What should I do? -- BOY WITH A BIG PROBLEM ON HIS HANDS
DEAR BOY: First of all, stop shouldering burdens that are not your own. If your friend fails a subject because she has not completed her assignment, the responsibility is hers -- not yours. It was kind of you to try to share your own good study habits with your friend. But the time has come for her to take what you have taught her and fly on her own.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to warn "Afraid in Calgary, Canada," about what she's in for. She's the woman who was scared because her husband is manufacturing an illegal drug.
Two years ago, my boyfriend, "Otis," and I were turned on to methamphetamine by an "old friend." It quickly consumed our lives. We suddenly became paranoid and no longer trusted each other. Soon we began selling it so we could get high for free. Selling led Otis to manufacturing it himself -- all for free drugs and easy money.
I left Otis because I knew what he was doing was wrong. However, three months later -- after he promised that he had quit using, selling and manufacturing -- I returned. The temptation was too great. We both got hooked again. Otis was raking in the dough, and he kept kidding himself, saying he'd only make and sell it "one more time" or until he saved a big enough nest egg. It was never enough. I told him no amount of money would be worth it if we were caught, and I was right. It wasn't.
So far, we've paid our lawyer $16,000 plus $10,000 for my bail money. We've lost $13,000 in confiscated cash, and Otis' children refuse to speak to him or visit him in jail. Otis faces 120 years in prison. I was arrested just for being in his home. I'm charged with five felonies and could also get a long prison sentence.
Abby, it may seem hard to believe, but Otis and I are decent people. He is a wonderful father. But because of weakness and greed, we have lost everything, including the respect of friends and family. Otis' teenage daughter is now ridiculed and picked on every day at school.
"Afraid," if you are reading this, please INSIST that your husband stop manufacturing and selling drugs. If you need money, take a second job. You may not have all the money you think you need, but you'll still have your family, your life and your freedom. We don't. -- IN A BIND/OUT ON BOND
DEAR OUT ON BOND: Thank you for an important letter. Drugs are prevalent. Temptation is great. I hope your experience will serve as a warning to those who need one. What happened to you can easily happen to them.
Ex Cons Profit by Using Their Skills of Deception
DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired police officer who has worked in prisons with both male and female inmates.
Your response to "Alarmed Host," whose co-worker "Jane," wants to bring "Al," an ex-convict, to her dinner party, needs to be expanded.
While incarcerated, inmates live with other inmates who are often smarter and more experienced. This gives them many opportunities to enhance their skills. They become experts in deceiving those around them, including persons like "Jane," the naive young lady in "Alarmed's" letter. A host has a responsibility to protect her guests. Inmates are adept at listening and taking mental notes of information, such as that being shared by potential victims that can be used later to commit burglary, home invasions, identity theft, rape, assault, etc. Without behavior modification treatment programs while in prison, few inmates change on their own. -- NO NAME FOR OBVIOUS REASONS
DEAR NO NAME: Your points are well taken. The fact that Jane refused to disclose the nature of Al's crime is also telling. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Get out the wet noodle. "Alarmed" doesn't need to meet Al before the party; she should disinvite Jane immediately!
Almost 70 percent of convicts are repeat offenders, masters in the art of deceit. I know. I have worked with them. Many proudly display albums of "girlfriends" with whom they correspond and carefully catalog their assets. "Alarmed" has due cause for concern.
I once had an inmate clerk I'll call Russ -- very intelligent, quite handsome. Although he had only completed high school before his first conviction, I could explain to him a highly technical accounting procedure -- once -- and he'd turn in a perfect work product.
One day, Russ rushed into my office, exclaiming, "Boss, Boss, I'm getting out. I leave this weekend!" I asked him how many times he had been down. "Five," he said. "But one doesn't count because it was for parole violation." I congratulated Russ and told him, "You're a good worker. You're smart. I don't ever want to see you again." He thanked me and assured me I wouldn't.
Six months later, my inmate truck driver reported that a new inmate at Diagnostics had asked him to tell me that he wanted his old job back. You guessed it -- it was Russ.
Friend "Jane" needs help. It's true that Al has paid the debt society has imposed upon him. But the relevant question is, "Has he changed?" -- FORMER PRISON EMPLOYEE
DEAR FORMER PRISON EMPLOYEE: You're right. But let's not forget that some people DO change. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am an ex-con, a former drug dealer. Although I abide by the law now, I am still paying for what I did. I have a hard time finding work, living arrangements and living a normal life.
"Al" needs a break. You're never done with your time when you must tell everyone you're an ex-con. You're looked down on, no matter how sorry you feel or how well you're doing. It's humiliating. I wish I could go back and do things differently, but I can't. And neither can Al. -- EX-CON IN ARIZONA
DEAR EX-CON: I understand that post-prison life is frustrating. However, as long as you refuse to allow your past to determine who you are, the lessons you have gained from it will make you stronger and wiser. Yes, there is a lot of bias, but if you have earned the respect of those who are closest to you, that is what's most important.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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MOM FEARS ADULT DAUGHTER IS HIDING UNDER HER BABY BLANKET
DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old daughter, "Beth," still carries around the teddy bear and baby blanket she's had since she was a child. Out they come whenever she travels on vacation or visits relatives. She even took them with her when she went away to college. I often wondered what her boyfriends thought.
I don't want to hurt my daughter's feelings, Abby, but I think it represents her refusal to grow up. After seven years of college, Beth still lives with me and has only a part-time job. What is your take on this? -- BEARING IT ALL IN BALTIMORE
DEAR BEARING IT ALL: The bear and the blanket give her a feeling of security. Counseling could help her understand why she needs those tangible symbols. If she's not getting what she wants out of life, you would be doing Beth a favor to encourage her to get it.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Willing to Trust Again in Tulsa" was right on. Several years ago, I was known for picking "loser" boyfriends. "Sam" hit me daily. "Gene" was married, unwilling to divorce his wife, from whom he had been separated for seven years, and broke, broke, broke! He begged me to loan him $70,000 to get out of debt. Fortunately, I was smarter than that, and never wasted a dime on him -- just five years of my life.
After that, I decided I needed to take a break from men and "find myself." I sought therapy and learned why I was choosing losers. Even more important, I learned how to never feel lonely, even though I lived alone. I am an attractive woman, 37 years old, who is unattached by choice. I love men, and if the right one comes along, I'm sure I'll commit. However, for now, it's nice to be able to take off on a trip at a moment's notice, spend my own money on what I please, and do basically anything I want because I have no one to whom I must account.
"Willing" needs to learn to love herself first before she and "the right kind of man" can enter into a loving, healthy relationship. -- HAPPILY UNATTACHED IN HOUSTON
DEAR HAPPILY UNATTACHED: Thank you for sharing your success story. You went from choosing losers to being a winner. For people who cannot afford therapy, taking a break, stepping back from a destructive situation and analyzing one's mistakes can be very helpful. That's the way people learn.
DEAR ABBY: The three-question self-test you advised readers to give themselves before spreading rumor or gossip is reminiscent of Rotary International's Four-Way Test of the things we think, say or do:
(1) Is it the truth?
(2) Is it fair to all concerned?
(3) Will it build good will and better friendships?
(4) Will it be beneficial to all concerned?
Asking ourselves these questions before we inflict verbal venom on our brothers and sisters makes us better and more fair-minded human beings. -- BRUCE FRASSINELLI, OSWEGO, N.Y.
DEAR BRUCE: I agree. And in this time of political divisiveness and turmoil -- with mud-slinging, labeling and name calling being done both nationally and locally -- Rotary's Self-Test should be applied before anyone in the public arena opens his (or her) mouth.
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