Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Teen Worries That Grandma Is Not Grieving as She Should
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather died nine months ago. He and my grandmother were married for more than 40 years, but they were not happy for the last four or five. A couple of weeks ago an old family friend called my grandmother. She's known him since she was a teenager.
Out of the blue, my grandmother invited this man to visit over the weekend. He stayed in a hotel and she claims nothing romantic happened. But she took him to some of my grandfather's favorite places -- places we all went together as a family. This is so out of character for her. When she asked how I felt, I lied and said I was OK with it.
Now my conversations with my grandmother are strained. Should I tell her how I really feel and risk her ending something that is making her happy? -- WORRIED 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL
DEAR WORRIED: I understand your feelings, but my advice to you is to keep your negative feelings to yourself. Although you still perceive your grandmother to be part of a happy couple, your grandfather is gone and the marriage was not a happy one for a long time. Your grandmother has had a lot of time to grieve. Try to be happy for her and wish her well. If you cannot do that, grief counseling for you would be helpful.
DEAR ABBY: I have lived with my boyfriend, "Earl," for eight years. During that time I have moved out twice. We are not kids -- I am 47; he's 62.
Earl owns a bar and admits he is an alcoholic. He drinks every day and never gets mean, but in his drunken state he's apt to do stupid things. Earl thinks he "controls" his drinking by not imbibing at home or during the day -- only at night when he drinks with his customers.
One time Earl came home at 5:00 a.m. and told me he'd been with friends, but later that day I discovered some semi-nude Polaroid pictures of him and a faceless female. I moved out that same day.
Earl and I stayed apart for several months, but we missed each other, so I moved back. Another problem is we haven't had sex in seven years. We sleep together, but our physical contact has diminished to a quick goodnight kiss. When I mention the subject, Earl says he doesn't want to talk about it. When he's at home alone, all he does is watch porno videos. I should add that I am attractive and other men find me desirable.
You must be wondering why I stay with Earl. Well, it's comfortable. He never gets mad, and for the first time in my life, I don't have to struggle financially. I know I could make it on my own, but it's easier this way. However, I don't like the feeling I've "sold out."
In my heart I know he's going to die. I fear the drinking will kill him one of these days. Earl hasn't been to a doctor since his discharge from the service in 1962. Please tell me what to do. I'm not happy with him, but I'm not happy alone, either. -- LOVELESS IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR LOVELESS: Not only are you loveless, but you also appear to be depressed, listless and have low self-esteem. It seems you are sleepwalking through life. There is far more to life than having a place to live and a roommate who "isn't mean." Please try counseling with the goal of learning why you deserve more from a relationship than you're getting from this one.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl. My parents have been divorced for many years. Just before starting high school, I moved in with my father and my older brother an hour away, because I was not getting along with Mom's new husband.
It didn't take long to realize how bad my father's drinking had become since the divorce. He had a gun and shot holes in the walls, took a shot at my brother's car, and cursed my brother and me almost daily.
Just weeks after I moved in, my brother went off to college, leaving me alone with Dad. Two days ago, I was driving him somewhere, and he got mad and yanked the keys out of the ignition while we were going down the highway at 65 miles an hour. The steering wheel and brakes locked and we almost crashed.
I was so upset that I yelled obscenities at him before retrieving the keys to drive back home. Once we were on our way, Dad began throwing things at me -- then he hit me. He yelled, "Go live with your mother!" When we got home, he called her and she came right away to pick me up.
Now I'm back with Mom and my stepfather, and she wants me to stay. I am torn. As disgusted as I am with my father, I am heartbroken at the thought of moving away from all the new friends I made there. They provided the only stability in my life and kept me going. I feel lost at the prospect of once again starting a new school with strangers. And I miss my dad's black Lab, whom I have grown to love. Dad would never let me take him. I don't know what to do. Please help. -- SOUR AT 16
DEAR SOUR AT 16: As much as you love your father's dog, you were living in an abusive and potentially fatal situation when you were with your dad. For your own safety, you must remain with your mother.
You do not have to lose touch with your new friends. You can remain in contact with them via phone and e-mail. And since you miss having a canine companion to love, ask your mother and stepfather if you can have a family dog. Pets can be a bonding experience.
DEAR ABBY: I became engaged a week ago to "Max," who happens to be a millionaire. I come from an average working-class background and have worked since I was 18. I am now 49. Max is a wonderful and loving man. We live in a beautiful home with a housekeeper and gardener. Max wants me to be a stay-at-home spouse and take care of our social and travel arrangements, etc.
Most of my friends are envious, and yes, it IS wonderful not having to work. However, I feel like I have become a kept woman. This is all so new to me. I have been independent most of my life and I am having difficulty adjusting to this new lifestyle. I feel scared that my life is in someone else's hands, not my own.
What can I do to maintain a sense of independence and still feel that my new "wifely duties" are important -- and that I will be valued as an equal partner with my husband? -- MARRYING A MILLIONAIRE
DEAR M.A.M.: Feeling nervous about losing your independence is understandable. Lifestyle change, even if it is positive, can be stressful.
Since your husband would prefer that you not work, please consider becoming a part-time volunteer instead. That way you can still contribute, but you will be freer to accompany your husband on trips. Volunteerism is a richly rewarding experience and can lead to new contacts in your community. However, you would be wise to discuss this before your marriage so there are no surprises for you or your fiance once the knot is tied.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend hits me and makes me have sex with him all the time. He says he does this because I make him do it. He tells me he is the only guy who could ever love me. Please tell me what I am doing wrong. I am scared it's going to get worse. -- AFRAID IN THE BROKEN HEARTLAND
DEAR AFRAID: You have done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is a rapist and an abuser, and he is using a classic abuser's technique -- make the victim blame herself. It WILL get worse unless you put a stop to it. I urge you to pick up the phone and call the police. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). There is help for you.
The following warning signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark. Please read them carefully. I'm positive you will recognize your abuser in many of them.
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)