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DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jenny," is engaged to marry a nice young physician. It's going to be an elaborate "black tie" affair in a castle in Europe. The young man's family is enormously wealthy, and his siblings are all doctors or lawyers. Some of the wealthiest people in the world will attend the wedding.
On the other hand, our combined income is less than $30,000 a year. We pay our bills on time, but we have nothing extra at the end of the month. The good news is that the groom-to-be's family has contributed a lot of money toward the wedding. The bad news is that they're asking me why we haven't contributed any. Our daughter mentioned that some of her friends' parents have taken out a second mortgage on their homes so they can give their daughters their dream weddings. (We live in an apartment.) Jenny hasn't lived at home for 12 years and makes more money than I ever will.
Abby, what is expected of me and my family? How can we explain to Jenny that we are happy for her and love her, but cannot and will not use our small retirement savings to pay for her elaborate extravaganza? As it is, we will all have to travel to her castle, and pay for hotel rooms, tuxes, plus give them a lovely gift. We need your expert advice -- and fast! -- NOT EVEN CLOSE IN UPSTATE NEW YORK
DEAR NOT EVEN CLOSE: Do not allow yourself to be stampeded. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Under no circumstances should you mortgage your future to pay for a wedding. A wedding is a gift, not an obligation. Your daughter has chosen something that's beyond your means.
If the groom's family is unaware of this fact of life, please waste no time in explaining it to them. There should be no shame in doing so. It's reality.
DEAR ABBY: I am miserable. I am married and the mother of two children. I don't know how to get out of my marriage. My husband is so volatile he hollers, throws things, and is loud and verbally abusive to me. He also acts this way with the children.
I do not love him. I married too young and for all the wrong reasons. When we argue, he goes running to my family and tells them a sob story, and they blame me. When I try to talk to them, they refuse to listen and push me to stay with him.
I don't want to have to walk out on all of my possessions, but I will if I have to. I am willing to do almost anything to get out of this marriage.
The last time we went through this, he wouldn't leave. Now he is saying he will and promises he will not contact my family. However, I'm afraid to trust. Please help me. -- CONFUSED AND UNSURE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONFUSED: Since you have already decided that the marriage was a mistake and not worth trying to save, consult a lawyer who specializes in family law. He or she will counsel you about what each of you is entitled to and how to ensure that your husband leaves.
Establish how you will support yourself and the children when the time comes. Do not depend upon your family for emotional support and you will not be disappointed. It is said that "breaking up is hard to do," but your lawyer can help you through the process. No one comes through a divorce entirely unscathed -- but it's better than remaining in a loveless marriage with a volatile, verbally abusive spouse.
FAMILY WORRIES ABOUT DIVORCED WOMAN LIVING HAPPILY ALONE
DEAR ABBY: I am 32 years old and have been divorced for about three years. My five-year marriage was a disaster. When my husband wasn't cheating, he was putting me down, telling me how fat and stupid I was, and that nobody liked me.
My life is 100 percent better now. I moved away and found a good job, and am once again at peace with myself. At the end of each workday, I enjoy going home, watching TV, turning in early -- then getting up for work in the morning and doing it all over again. The problem is that my family is worried about me.
On weekends, I go home on Friday night and don't leave my apartment until Monday morning. I am content with my routine, but my family disapproves. I don't usually worry about what others think, but I know they love me and are genuinely concerned. What do you think, Abby? -- PEACEFUL IN ARIZONA
DEAR PEACEFUL: That your family may have a point. There's an old saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," and it also applies to men and women.
Before you completely cloister yourself in your routine, please make absolutely certain that you are not confusing an absence of pain and abuse with happiness. It is important to have a balance in life, and by that I mean there's far more satisfaction to be found than just work and television.
A step in the right direction would be to sign up for a lecture series, or volunteer one or two days a month at a hospital, library or shelter.
DEAR ABBY: We have a close family friend of nearly 40 years. I'll call her Becky. She is nearly 80 years old and has no living relatives. Becky considers us her "family," and the feeling is mutual.
The problem we've run into is that Becky still lives by herself and continues to drive -- which she shouldn't be doing. She has had 10 wrecks that we know of in the past seven years. The most recent one totaled her car, and she promptly bought a new one. Becky has bad hips and legs, which has reduced her ability to walk or climb stairs. Also, last month there was a knock at her door late one night and she opened it without first looking through the peephole. Becky was robbed at gunpoint.
We have spoken with her several times over the past few years about moving into an assisted-living facility. However, Becky is one stubborn lady and doesn't think "those places" are for her. We disagree.
Becky depends on our family for everything, as though we are blood relatives. Since we're not, we cannot legally do anything to improve her situation. I speak for everyone in my family when I say we fear if Becky continues on the path she's on, she will not live much longer. Is there any advice you can offer on this sad situation, Abby? -- AFRAID FOR OUR FAMILY FRIEND IN DALLAS
DEAR AFRAID: Only this. Although Becky seems to have financial resources, she appears to be slowing down mentally as well as physically. Her physician should be made aware of her condition, because it's possible she should be supervised by a geriatric specialist or social worker. She appears to be a very vulnerable senior.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Rewards of Reading Outweigh Late Fees for Overdue Books
DEAR ABBY: Thank you on behalf of librarians everywhere for your commonsense reply to the question of who should pay for the overdue library book the 7-year-old granddaughter lost.
I know what a thrill it is for children to check out books from their local libraries, but when those children forget where they placed them, forget the due dates or lose those books forever, it can be a problem for everyone.
Parents and grandparents should keep track of all books checked out on the family library cards, because the fines accumulate in a hurry. Arguing over who is responsible can send the claim to collections, with added fines.
Those who grumble about fines on their cards should remember how much it would cost if they had to buy every book they wanted to read instead of borrowing them from the public library. -- DENISE VILANDRE, HURON, S.D.
DEAR DENISE: Indeed. Even with library discounts, the cost of restocking our libraries is considerable. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: On Dec. 7, 1968, a man named Richard Dodd returned an overdue library book to the University of Cincinnati. His great-grandfather had checked out the volume in 1823.
Although he did not have to pay the fine, the library computed the fine -- and it would have totaled $22,646. -- FRANK IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR FRANK: In another 145 years it could have added up to some REAL money! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That grandmother should have used this experience as a "fun" and instructive opportunity to show her grandchild the due date, mark it on the calendar and return the book together -- BEFORE it was overdue. It would have provided a valuable lesson to the child, based on positive role modeling. -- ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER, FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.
DEAR TEACHER: You're right. Children learn by example.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for putting in a good word for libraries, and for exposing children to them.
During World War II, my first library was a very small room on the upper floor of the old Grange Hall in the little village of Savona, N.Y. Since it was close to my home, I was allowed to go there alone and choose my own books, even before I went to school. My family would read the stories to me.
Those trips to the library were magical. I bless the people who established that small library. Parents, please love your children enough to take them to your local library, and read to them! -- HELEN I. FRANCIS, SILVER CITY, N.M.
DEAR HELEN: You have made a good point. It reminds me of a stanza from a wonderful poem, "The Reading Mother," by Strickland Gillilan, that has appeared in this column a number of times:
"You may have tangible wealth untold,
"Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
"Richer than I you can never be --
"I had a mother who read to me."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)