For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl about to start my sophomore year in high school. I play sports, help out with chores around the house, and tend to my little sisters after school until Mom gets home from work.
I've always tried to live up to everyone else's expectations of me, because I don't want to let anyone down.
I now want to start dating and hanging out with school friends and go to parties. I don't intend to be wild. I just want to have some fun every now and then.
The problem is my mom is strict about my curfew –- 11 o'clock. I have asked for midnight, but she thinks that's too late for me to be out. I have friends younger than me who have midnight curfews.
Mom tells me she doesn't want me to make the same mistakes she made. But how will I learn about life if I can't experience things for myself? I'm smarter than she realizes. I know right from wrong. I think I'm old enough to find out who I am. Abby, do you think I'm asking too much? -- WANTING TO GROW UP IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WANTING: Whether you're asking too much depends on the kind of dates you have in mind. If you're going out with groups of friends -– and it's supervised -– 11 o'clock is fine for a 15-year-old. If you continue to be as responsible as you are, renegotiate the curfew when you turn 16.
DEAR ABBY: Before our wedding, my mother-in-law offered to purchase a set of sterling silver flatware for her son and me as our gift. She instructed us to register the pattern we selected and said she'd buy the set.
Two weeks prior to our wedding, my in-laws came to visit and brought our wedding gift with them. Imagine my shock when I opened the box and found a totally different set than the one we had chosen!
Without thinking, I said, "Oh, this isn't the silver we picked!" My mother-in-law replied that her selection was better.
I want to exchange the set for the one my fiance and I wanted in the first place. My husband says to drop the subject, unless I want his mom to comment about it every time we sit down for a meal together.
This has become a bone of contention between my new husband and me. Does his mom have the right to wield that kind of control over us, Abby? What should I do? -- MAD AT HIS MOM IN SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR MAD: Your mother-in-law has the right to wield that kind of control only if her son and you allow her to. What she did may have been well-intended, but it came across as insensitive and heavy-handed.
It's time for you and your husband to have a talk with his mother and tell her that while you appreciate her gift, you chose the pattern you selected for a reason. You both liked it. And while she may prefer the pattern she selected, she is not the person who is going to have to live with it. Therefore the silver is being exchanged for the one you prefer.
Once you put the subject on the table, it's less likely to be rehashed at subsequent family gatherings than if she arrives for a dinner party and is "surprised." Your brand-new hubby owes it to you to back you up on this, and you can tell him I said so.
Freshman Who Wants a Baby Needs Course in Common Sense
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from the college freshman who signed herself "Looking for Fulfillment." She's the young woman who wants a specific man's child for "genetic reasons" without "trying to tie him down or ask for child support."
It never ceases to amaze me how self-centered and arrogant people can be. She stalks a guy for his sperm and tells him he can stay away and let her raise the baby. No thought is given to how the child will feel after he or she is born and wants to know where Daddy is.
My dad took off when I was 5. I still wonder where he is. That girl needs to visit Oz and find a brain and a heart. -- MISS T. IN PLANO, TEXAS
DEAR MISS T.: I agree that a child should have the right to know both parents. Children have a better chance to grow into stronger and more confident adults when both parents give them love, attention and guidance. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That young woman needs help -– and I hope the man she had in mind recognizes it before it's too late. He should run for his life.
A woman I considered to be a very close friend for six years asked me to father her baby to fill a void in her life. She promised she would ask nothing from me in return. I was flattered. My ego was stoked by the idea she wanted my "special seed" because I'm such a great guy. So I did it.
She became pregnant, had the baby and moved away. I felt guilty and ashamed because I knew I had done the wrong thing. In the meantime, I met a terrific woman. We married and had a couple of kids. Five years into my marriage, this woman shows up with legal papers and a paternity test, requesting back child support since birth, health insurance, future child support, a college savings plan, and reimbursement for other past expenses related to the child. She told me she was "sorry" she had to do this to me, but she realized that raising a child on her own was a million times more difficult than she thought it was going to be.
My life is a complicated mess now. We are financially ruined. All the plans and dreams for my current family are gone –- everything has changed. I will do the right thing for the child's sake and be a father to him. But innocent lives have been changed forever because of my naivete and her "romantic" delusional thinking. -- A FOOL IN OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR SIR: Your experience proves how expensive "free love" can be. How much better it would have been if the woman who asked you to father her child had instead chosen to examine why she felt unfulfilled before rushing into motherhood.
"Looking for Fulfillment" said she wanted that particular man's baby for "genetic reasons." (His looks? Athletic ability? His brains?) It reminds me of a story I heard long ago concerning George Bernard Shaw. One night while he was at a dinner party, a somewhat tipsy actress who was famous for her beauty turned to him and said, "You know, we should have a child together. With my looks and your brains, it would have all the advantages in the world."
Shaw thought about it for a moment. "But dear lady," he replied, "what fate would await it if it inherited your brains and my looks?"
WORTH REMEMBERING: The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. (Submitted by Carl Young, Union City, N.J.)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Holding in Law's Ashes May Have Lost Grip on Reality
DEAR ABBY: My family has always had its share of eccentrics, but my older brother, "Rusty," has me perplexed. His mother-in-law, "Louise," passed away six months ago and was cremated per her wishes. She left a considerable amount of money to my brother and sister-in-law -- well into seven figures. Rusty was always fond of his mother-in-law, and I recognize their bond, but his actions of late have grown bizarre.
Rusty now takes Louise's ashes with him to family functions, graduations, camping trips -- and even got a permit to take her remains sailing with them in the Caribbean.
Louise travels first class to more places and attends more functions as cremains than she did when she was flesh and blood. Meanwhile, our own dear mother is still living, and she is never invited to accompany them on any of these trips.
What's your reading of this? -- POOR BUT SANE BROTHER
DEAR BROTHER: Your brother could have separation issues with Louise, or he could be overwhelmingly grateful for the windfall she left them. He may bring the ashes to family functions in an effort to assure that Louise, although gone, is not forgotten.
Your signature indicates that you suspect your brother may have lost touch with reality. Mention your concerns to your brother. If he doesn't have a logical explanation, mention your concerns to his wife. If she agrees, he should have a mental and neurological evaluation.
DEAR ABBY: I met a wonderful man, "Ryan," whom I love dearly. We were planning on a June wedding, but I called it off because of his heavy credit card debt. I thought it should be paid off before we got married.
Also, Ryan has a way of hiding things from me that I feel should be out in the open. If he gets a call from a bill collector, he always goes into another room to talk. Shouldn't I be included in what's going on in his life?
I would offer to help with his debt, but Ryan makes three times as much money as I do. Plus, I have discovered that some of his credit card charges are from Internet porn sites. (He swears he no longer frequents them.)
Don't get me wrong, Abby. This man has done everything he can to get back on track financially so we can be married. But I still feel he's hiding little things from me -- mostly about money.
Am I making too much of this? What should I do or say when he talks about setting another wedding date? I'm not shy about speaking up and sharing my feelings, but somehow he isn't willing to open up and come clean with me.
Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- WARY FIANCEE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR WARY: Trust is everything in a relationship -- and you and this man don't have it. Listen to your intuition, and if you do decide to marry him, insist on premarital and credit counseling first, and keep your own separate line of credit so his cannot ruin yours.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)