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Man Holding in Law's Ashes May Have Lost Grip on Reality
DEAR ABBY: My family has always had its share of eccentrics, but my older brother, "Rusty," has me perplexed. His mother-in-law, "Louise," passed away six months ago and was cremated per her wishes. She left a considerable amount of money to my brother and sister-in-law -- well into seven figures. Rusty was always fond of his mother-in-law, and I recognize their bond, but his actions of late have grown bizarre.
Rusty now takes Louise's ashes with him to family functions, graduations, camping trips -- and even got a permit to take her remains sailing with them in the Caribbean.
Louise travels first class to more places and attends more functions as cremains than she did when she was flesh and blood. Meanwhile, our own dear mother is still living, and she is never invited to accompany them on any of these trips.
What's your reading of this? -- POOR BUT SANE BROTHER
DEAR BROTHER: Your brother could have separation issues with Louise, or he could be overwhelmingly grateful for the windfall she left them. He may bring the ashes to family functions in an effort to assure that Louise, although gone, is not forgotten.
Your signature indicates that you suspect your brother may have lost touch with reality. Mention your concerns to your brother. If he doesn't have a logical explanation, mention your concerns to his wife. If she agrees, he should have a mental and neurological evaluation.
DEAR ABBY: I met a wonderful man, "Ryan," whom I love dearly. We were planning on a June wedding, but I called it off because of his heavy credit card debt. I thought it should be paid off before we got married.
Also, Ryan has a way of hiding things from me that I feel should be out in the open. If he gets a call from a bill collector, he always goes into another room to talk. Shouldn't I be included in what's going on in his life?
I would offer to help with his debt, but Ryan makes three times as much money as I do. Plus, I have discovered that some of his credit card charges are from Internet porn sites. (He swears he no longer frequents them.)
Don't get me wrong, Abby. This man has done everything he can to get back on track financially so we can be married. But I still feel he's hiding little things from me -- mostly about money.
Am I making too much of this? What should I do or say when he talks about setting another wedding date? I'm not shy about speaking up and sharing my feelings, but somehow he isn't willing to open up and come clean with me.
Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- WARY FIANCEE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR WARY: Trust is everything in a relationship -- and you and this man don't have it. Listen to your intuition, and if you do decide to marry him, insist on premarital and credit counseling first, and keep your own separate line of credit so his cannot ruin yours.
Mother Has Reason to Fear Son in Law's Drunken Abuse
DEAR ABBY: "Fearful in California," the mother of a newlywed young woman, wrote that her son-in-law, "Doug," was a nice guy, but verbally abusive when he drank. She said the next day Doug would conveniently "forget" what he had said or how badly he had behaved.
The daughter was frightened by her new husband's threats when he was drunk and feared that one day he'd carry them out. "Fearful" asked if you thought she should talk to her son-in-law and suggest he get help.
You advised her to stay out of it and that the daughter had to be the one to draw the line. You also said the daughter should join Al-Anon.
Abby, domestic abuse is not merely caused by alcohol. It's an issue of control. Domestic abuse thrives in solitude. That son-in-law needs to be made aware that his in-laws are watching. If this situation is fueled by alcohol, the son-in-law should seek help. If he doesn't, that mother needs to remove her daughter. Please let these people know they're right to be fearful. -- DR. MOURAINE R. BAKER, FOUNTAIN HILLS, ARIZ.
DEAR DR. BAKER: Although verbal abuse does tend to escalate over time, I saw no reason for the parents to step in now. Drunks (and abusers) tend to blame others for their own problems. That's why I advised the mother to send her daughter to Al-Anon, where she would learn that no matter what the husband accused her of during his drunken rages, she was not responsible for his behavior. It's an important lesson. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My mom went through the same thing with my dad. Dad refused to believe my mom when she told him what he had said while he was drunk, so she videotaped him one night. She made him watch the tape the next day, and he was mortified at his behavior.
As a result he substantially altered his drinking.
If the daughter can't obtain a video camera, a simple audio tape recorder will do just as well. Mom had the camera just sitting casually on a table.
You were right to advise "Fearful" to steer her daughter to Al-Anon. Al-Anon gave my mother the courage to videotape Dad. It made all the difference in their marriage, which lasted 53 years until her death two years ago. That daughter is in for an increasingly abusive marriage if she doesn't put a stop to what's going on now. -- HAPPY DAUGHTER, SAUGERTIES, N.Y.
DEAR DAUGHTER: Thank you for suggesting videotaping the drunken husband. Other readers wrote to say they had done it, and that it had shocked the drinkers into getting the help they so desperately needed. Denial is an integral part of alcoholism. Unless it can be overcome, the drunk won't admit there is a problem and seek help.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Fearful in California" was correct. If the mother confronts the son-in-law, it will either cause the daughter to defend him and cling to him even more, or cause the son-in-law to blame his wife for the mother's actions. I know because it happened to me.
Mom didn't consult me before she staged an "intervention," thinking it would help. My husband thought I had put her up to it, and he made my life even more hellish than it had been. Of course, I was determined to prove Mother wrong. So I stayed with him another hellish three years, until my nerves were shot and my bank account was empty. I might have left sooner if Mom hadn't meddled. -- HAPPY NOW IN COLUMBUS, OHIO
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Friend Doesn't Know How to React to Lonely Widower
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago, a dear friend, "Mary," died, only four days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. I spent those four days in the hospital with her, sleeping in a chair by her bed at night.
Her husband, "Jim," was also by her side. He held her hand and spoke to her even though she could no longer speak due to the morphine that was controlling her pain. The time we spent at the hospital was only the second time I had met him. We talked for hours while we sat in Mary's room. I thought Jim was a very sweet man.
Last week, Jim said he wanted to see me. I didn't think much about it because I had helped him with some insurance documents. When we met, I was surprised when he expressed a desire to spend time with me.
Abby, I'm not sure Jim should be dating anyone at this time. I think he may be lonely. Any suggestions? -- E.H. IN VIRGINIA BEACH
DEAR E.H.: I agree that Jim is lonely, and it's too soon for him to make any important decisions. However, I see no reason why you and he can't see each other on a more or less platonic basis for a few months -- until the shock of losing his wife subsides. You appear to be a caring and sensible woman. He may -- or may not -- be transferring his feelings for Mary to you because you were such a good friend. Trust your judgment.
DEAR ABBY: I am 15. I just found out my father was married before he married my mother. He had a couple of kids with his first wife.
My parents are very upset that I know and are against my having any relationship with my half-siblings. I realize I didn't grow up with them, but it would be nice to meet them since I am an only child.
Can you think of anything I can do to convince my parents to let me talk to them? -- LONELY SIBLING IN NOVA SCOTIA
DEAR LONELY SIB: Not at this time. Since they are uncomfortable with your contacting your siblings, wait until you are 18.
Family secrets like the one you have described usually have a way of revealing themselves sooner or later. I don't know the circumstances of your father's divorce, but it's important to prepare yourself for the possibility that the children your dad left behind might not know about -- or want a relationship with -- you. It sometimes happens.
DEAR ABBY: "Vicki," my best friend for 30 years, is under a doctor's care. The trouble is, she's been lying to him about taking anti-depressants and painkillers while still consuming large amounts of alcohol. For the past six months, Vicki has pushed away all those who love her.
Abby, Vicki and I are treated by the same doctor. I was wondering if it would be breaking a trust to tell him what Vicki is doing. I think he should know. What do you think? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR WORRIED FRIEND: By all means tell your doctor about your concerns. Through some "routine" questions, the doctor will have the opportunity to intervene without revealing who tipped him off. Please don't wait. It could save your friend's life, because alcohol and prescription drugs can be a lethal combination.
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