To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Like Father, Like Son: Toddler Picks Up Dad's Bad Language
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Leon," and I have a 16-year marriage and two young children.
My problem is Leon repeatedly says bad words. He uses the "F" word all the time. I don't curse, and I am always begging him to clean up his language in front of the kids.
When he is around strangers, he hardly ever curses. I beg him to have respect for the kids and watch his mouth, but he gets mad at me and it gets worse.
Our daughter is in the fourth grade and our son is 2 years old. To my dismay, our little boy has started repeating the bad words he hears his dad use.
How can I get through to him that he has an obligation to me and the children to set a better example? -- SICK OF THE SWEARING IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR SICK OF THE SWEARING: Why a mature parent would do such a disservice to his children is beyond me. By example, he is leading them to believe that X-rated language is normal and acceptable.
Years ago, a reader named Monty Insko of Cardiff By The Sea, Calif., said that he broke his brother of the habit of swearing by sending him the following: (Please show it to your spouse.)
10 REASONS FOR SWEARING
1. It pleases Mother so much.
2. It's a fine mark of manliness.
3. It proves that I have self-control.
4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.
5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.
6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.
7. It impresses people that I have more than an ordinary education.
8. It's an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.
9. It makes me desirable personally among women and children in respectable society.
10. It's my way of honoring God, who said, "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."
DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old, divorced woman who works in an office with a sweet young woman with whom I've become friends. I'll call her Ellen. She is married with three small children.
A male co-worker recently shared a nasty rumor with me about Ellen. He claimed he had learned that she "sleeps around." When I asked him who said so, he refused to answer.
I immediately defended Ellen's honor and minced no words in telling him that the rumor wasn't true. Either someone is spreading lies about my friend, or someone has betrayed her.
Should I tell her about this rumor, or wait until she finds out about it? I'm the kind of person who is content with myself, and my only interest in Ellen is friendship.
What would you do, Abby? -- EAST COAST WRECK
DEAR EAST COAST WRECK: Tell her. Rumors and sexual innuendoes can ruin a career if they are not dealt with quickly. I see no reason to protect the guilty -- and that includes people who spread gossip.
CHILDHOOD RAPE KEPT SECRET IS WEDGE BETWEEN DAUGHTER, MOM
DEAR ABBY: I am writing because of the letter from "E.M. in Florida," the woman who was raped at age 15 by two policemen during World War II. She is still haunted by that tragedy.
When I was 11, my mother went to the hospital to have her fifth child. While she was gone, my stepfather raped me. He said if I told he would hurt my two little sisters.
Every night I feared the rape would happen again. After my sisters were asleep, I would crawl under my bed and scoot back as far as I could. Then I'd watch the crack under the bedroom door to see if my stepfather was approaching. I never told my mother what happened.
One night, my stepfather got drunk and told my mother he and I had sex. She came to me and hit me hard. She said, "How dare you try to take my husband!"
I ran away that night. I was 15. I didn't see my mother for many years. I moved to another state. Forty years later, my elderly mother and I are talking, but not one word has been said about the rape.
How can my mom think I had sex willingly with that awful man when I was only 11? My whole life was messed up because of him. I have prayed about this, but I'm not going to say anything to her after all these years. She is not in good health, due to cancer.
When I was 20, my stepfather killed himself. My mother now talks about him a lot. She will say, "Daddy did this for us," and "Daddy was a good man." I hold my breath and wait for her to change the subject. I hate that my mother doesn't know the truth. I can't tell her. She is more than 80 years old and sick.
I did nothing wrong. Thank you for letting me spout off. -- A SURVIVOR IN FLORIDA
DEAR SURVIVOR: You're welcome. That's what I'm here for.
Now, please allow me to offer you some unsolicited advice. You should have set the record straight with your mother years ago. Even though she is ill, it is not too late to do it. It is as important for her to hear the truth from you as it is for you to tell it. Until you speak up and set things straight, the ghost of that child-molesting monster she married will stand between you. You have protected him long enough. Gather your courage and speak out. It will begin your healing.
I know I may sound like a broken record, but counseling can help you to put this unhappy chapter of your life to rest once and for all. Ask your doctor for a referral, or call the nearest rape hotline.
DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem. My father is unreasonably strict. I am 16, and he won't let me do hardly anything. He will not let me go places unless there is parental supervision at all times. To make matters worse, yesterday when I was dropped off at a girlfriend's house, he made my mother go to the door to meet her parents! They weren't home, so I was not allowed to stay. I had to get back in the car and my parents drove me home. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
My father is the king of the household and whatever he says goes. He's impossible. Help. -- TEEN HELD CAPTIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CAPTIVE: You are cursed with parents who love you. Every teenager should have the advantages you have.
P.S. Be assured, you will appreciate your father's "strict" attitude when you are older and become a parent.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Single Mom Isn't Quite Ready for New Man to Meet Her Kids
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two delightful children under 10. My ex and I have been divorced for seven years. It is his choice to have no contact with his children.
Three months ago, I met "Nate." Since then, we have spent a lot of time together. He has restored my faith and trust in men. Sine Nate and I are still getting to know each other, I feel it is too soon to introduce my children to him. I really think Nate could be "the one," but if our relationship doesn't work out, I don't want my children to be hurt by losing another male role model.
The problem is my mother. She takes care of my children and strongly believes that now is the time for the kids to meet Nate. I disagree, and my mother now refuses to take care of my children.
Am I prudent to wait to introduce Nate to my children until I am more confident about where our relationship is going, or is my mother right? -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD MOM
DEAR TRYING: For your mother to try to blackmail you into doing what she wants by refusing to watch the children is both controlling and wrong. Your children need continuity in their lives right now -- not the turbulence that could result if your love life became a revolving door.
Stand firm, and arrange for alternative child care until you know more about where your relationship with Nate is going.
P.S. Although your mother's tactics are heavy-handed, it's nice to know she approves of Nate.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old woman deeply in love with a 32-year-old man I'll call Ben. The problem is this: I don't feel appreciated.
Ben is quick to tell me how afraid he is of losing me, but he has no problem canceling our plans at the whim of a friend. He works out of town, so he's gone five days a week, during which I basically go to work and come home.
When Ben is home on weekends, it seems as though everything and everyone is more important than spending time with me. In fact, right now he's out with one of his pals while I'm home alone.
I've brought this to Ben's attention countless times; nothing changes. I know I'm a good person and a good girlfriend. Please shed some light on my situation. Thanks. -- LOST IN CANADA
DEAR LOST: Face it, something is missing in this relationship -- him. If Ben were as in love with you as you are with him, he would want to spend more time with you when he's home on weekends. Regardless of what he says, his actions are sending a message, and you'd be wise to take heed. You deserve more than he is giving. Move on.
DEAR ABBY: I am a junior high school teacher. Throughout the year, I receive many gifts from my students. These gifts sometimes include cards from the parents expressing gratitude for the work I have done with their child.
Is it appropriate to write a thank-you note? Sometimes the gift is a combination Christmas present and thank-you gift, so the correct response is confusing. -- TEACHER IN MONTANA
DEAR TEACHER: Confusing? Regardless of who gives a gift -- or for what reason -- the giver should receive a written thank-you from you, acknowledging his or her thoughtfulness. You will be setting a wonderful example for your students to follow.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)