Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Best Way to Fight Terrorism Is to Strengthen Our Health
DEAR ABBY: After a breakfast discussion about the obesity crisis in our nation, I saw the letter from "Worried in Rhode Island," the 14-year-old girl who is concerned about her friends who use alcohol and drugs. I've been thinking a lot lately about health and self-destructiveness. I see this as one of the major problems in our nation today.
All over the country, flags are hanging in front of thousands of homes signifying that we are united against the common enemy of terrorism. But I can't help remembering that profound line from the comic strip, "Pogo": "We have met the enemy, and it is us."
As we descend further and further down the slippery slope of addictions (which include not only alcohol, drugs and cigarettes, but shopping, gambling, overeating, sexual obsessions, and more), we are becoming a nation so harmful to itself that terrorists need only sit back and watch us self-destruct. How can we be truly strong and healthy as a nation when we are comprised of individuals who are not strong and healthy?
What can be done to institute a national campaign to strengthen ourselves as individuals with physical and emotional health? Of course, for younger people, we must use the public schools, but factual drug education and testimonials about harmful consequences have never been enough. We must discover WHY we hurt ourselves in these ways.
Seeking health and strength should be not only our personal goals, but would enable us to unify and defend against terrorists in a way that would do more good than simply waving the flag. -- AGREEING WITH 'POGO'
DEAR AGREEING: You're asking intelligent questions about very important issues. People usually engage in self-destructive behaviors because they are trying to avoid dealing with unpleasant emotions or situations -- so they comfort themselves with substances or behaviors that when used to excess can be damaging.
The first step in conquering any addiction is to admit you have one. The next step is to seek professional help. Confronting our weaknesses is a sign of strength, and admitting you have them is nothing to be ashamed of -- it's human.
DEAR ABBY: Help! My daughter is being married in three months and there's a major problem. She refuses to invite one of my sisters and her family, all because of a ridiculous feud between them.
My sister has attempted to apologize more than once. Each time my daughter has refused to accept an apology. She and her fiance are paying for their own wedding, so I don't have much to say about the situation. However, it will be very awkward at future family functions if this isn't patched up.
How do I tell my sister she's not invited to the wedding -- and what's more, explain to other family members who may refuse to attend because my sister's family is being banned?
Thanks for any guidance you can give me through this mess. -- FRUSTRATED MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Do not assume responsibility for your daughter's actions. Since she is (presumably) an adult, try once more to reason with her. Explain that excluding your sister from the wedding could cause a rift in the family that could have repercussions that she -- and future generations -- may regret. If your daughter is smart, she'll take that into consideration.
If your effort fails, don't worry about telling your sister. She'll know as soon as the other invitations arrive that she has been excluded. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old woman who has been engaged to "Bill" for nine months. We plan to be married next spring.
Bill and I were friends for years, but last year we started dating and got serious. We have been very happy until just recently.
My best friend, "Molly," and Bill have been spending a lot of time together. He helped her move, runs errands with her, and has even gone so far as to work overtime, but only at midnight -- when Molly works.
The two of them are always giggling, playfully grabbing and slapping each other's arms -- and when Molly's around, Bill ignores me completely. We haven't made love in more than two months. However, Bill and Molly's conversation is laced with sexual innuendo.
Am I correct to assume that Bill is having an affair with her? I've confronted him, but he says I'm jealous and insecure because my last relationship ended when my ex cheated on me. Is he right, Abby? Or is he a cheating dog?
I love this man with all my heart and want to trust him, but my gut tells me otherwise. -- DOUBTING HIM IN SARNIA, ONTARIO
DEAR DOUBTING: Listen to your gut. Even if there is no affair, you're picking up on "vibes" of sexual attraction and tension. If he's this easily distracted and going out of his way to be with other women before you're married, imagine what it will be like afterward.
Do not marry this man without premarital counseling. It will give you both an opportunity to express what you expect from each other.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married six months ago. We've known each other since we were kids. As teenagers, we were both in and out of trouble. A year ago we faced a substance abuse problem together and took steps toward making a fresh start.
When we tied the knot, we made a commitment to put our past behind us and move forward as partners. However, two months after our wedding, my husband came home one night and said he felt trapped and wanted to be free.
He left me and started drinking and doing drugs again. I am committed to staying clean and sober. Although I know I had no control over him, I begged him to come home so we could work on his addiction.
After being gone for two weeks, he returned home and promised never to leave me again. He said he had just needed time to realize what we had.
Now, four months later, I have discovered his boss fired him for using heroin. So what did my husband do? He left me again. Two days after that, I filed for divorce. But I love him so much I can't stop asking myself if I did the right thing. Should I have given my marriage a little more time, Abby? -- STILL IN LOVE WITH A NEW ORLEANS DRUGGIE
DEAR STILL IN LOVE: I don't think so. His relapse into heroin use makes it apparent that he hasn't licked his addiction, and it is vital that you not allow yourself to be dragged down with him.
If, at some later date, he is able to manage his sickness -- and addiction is a sickness -- you can revisit the question of whether he's a suitable lifetime partner. But for now, I'd say you did the right thing.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a huge problem on my hands. Four years ago, my sister was living with my husband and me. I trusted them both, but they betrayed me by having an affair.
After that, my sister moved miles away and met a man she ended up living with and having a baby girl. The guy turned out to be an abuser. Now she wants to leave him and "come home."
Our parents are no longer living, and my sister has no other family to turn to. If she moves in with my husband and me again, I don't know if I'll be able to trust them -- even though I have forgiven them both and love them with all my heart.
My husband has told me repeatedly that he will never hurt me like that again. He also said if the possibility of my sister living with us is going to stress me out, we shouldn't allow her to stay with us. But if that happens, she and her baby are at risk of remaining under the thumb of that abusive man.
Please advise me, Abby. I'm at a real loss here. -- TORN SISTER IN IDAHO
DEAR TORN SISTER: A safe alternative would be for you and your husband to subsidize your sister's rent on a small apartment for a period of time. Yes, it would be expensive -- but not nearly as costly as having her under your roof might be.
DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old best friend, "Carole," met a man four months ago. She began dating him right away, became engaged the month after that, and will be marrying him in a few weeks.
I do not know her fiance well, but the little I do know about him is not good.
Carole has asked me to be her maid of honor, and I'm torn over whether to accept. On one hand, I want to support my best friend and "be there" for her. However, I think she's crazy to marry someone she's known only four months.
Should I ignore my concerns about this marriage, agree to be her maid of honor, and pretend to be happy because I don't want to hurt her? Or should I tell her the truth -- that I cannot support this marriage -- and in doing so, risk destroying our friendship?
Abby, I love Carole and want only the best for her, but I don't know how I can stand up in a church and support her in this marriage when I have so many serious doubts about the guy. Help! -- DOUBTS ABOUT THE GROOM SOMEWHERE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR DOUBTS: Level with your best friend. After you do, it will be her decision whether or not you'll participate in the wedding party, feeling as you do. Whatever the outcome, you'll have peace of mind knowing you shared your feelings.
DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a baby shower for a former co-worker who was an absolute witch when we worked together. In my 22-year career, I have never experienced such disrespect and hatefulness for no apparent reason.
Before she left on her pregnancy leave, she asked me to lunch -- which I ended up paying for. She also asked for my home address because she said a friend was giving her a baby shower and "it wouldn't be a party without you."
Abby, I do not want to go to her shower, and I don't want to give her a present. The invitation asks for an RSVP. What should I do? -- FEELING USED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR FEELING USED: Respond to the invitation giving your "regrets." You are under no obligation to give a gift if you do not attend the shower.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)