What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a huge problem on my hands. Four years ago, my sister was living with my husband and me. I trusted them both, but they betrayed me by having an affair.
After that, my sister moved miles away and met a man she ended up living with and having a baby girl. The guy turned out to be an abuser. Now she wants to leave him and "come home."
Our parents are no longer living, and my sister has no other family to turn to. If she moves in with my husband and me again, I don't know if I'll be able to trust them -- even though I have forgiven them both and love them with all my heart.
My husband has told me repeatedly that he will never hurt me like that again. He also said if the possibility of my sister living with us is going to stress me out, we shouldn't allow her to stay with us. But if that happens, she and her baby are at risk of remaining under the thumb of that abusive man.
Please advise me, Abby. I'm at a real loss here. -- TORN SISTER IN IDAHO
DEAR TORN SISTER: A safe alternative would be for you and your husband to subsidize your sister's rent on a small apartment for a period of time. Yes, it would be expensive -- but not nearly as costly as having her under your roof might be.
DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old best friend, "Carole," met a man four months ago. She began dating him right away, became engaged the month after that, and will be marrying him in a few weeks.
I do not know her fiance well, but the little I do know about him is not good.
Carole has asked me to be her maid of honor, and I'm torn over whether to accept. On one hand, I want to support my best friend and "be there" for her. However, I think she's crazy to marry someone she's known only four months.
Should I ignore my concerns about this marriage, agree to be her maid of honor, and pretend to be happy because I don't want to hurt her? Or should I tell her the truth -- that I cannot support this marriage -- and in doing so, risk destroying our friendship?
Abby, I love Carole and want only the best for her, but I don't know how I can stand up in a church and support her in this marriage when I have so many serious doubts about the guy. Help! -- DOUBTS ABOUT THE GROOM SOMEWHERE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR DOUBTS: Level with your best friend. After you do, it will be her decision whether or not you'll participate in the wedding party, feeling as you do. Whatever the outcome, you'll have peace of mind knowing you shared your feelings.
DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a baby shower for a former co-worker who was an absolute witch when we worked together. In my 22-year career, I have never experienced such disrespect and hatefulness for no apparent reason.
Before she left on her pregnancy leave, she asked me to lunch -- which I ended up paying for. She also asked for my home address because she said a friend was giving her a baby shower and "it wouldn't be a party without you."
Abby, I do not want to go to her shower, and I don't want to give her a present. The invitation asks for an RSVP. What should I do? -- FEELING USED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR FEELING USED: Respond to the invitation giving your "regrets." You are under no obligation to give a gift if you do not attend the shower.
Freeloading New Neighbor Is Welcome to Take Her Leave
DEAR ABBY: When our neighbors with five small children moved in next door, my husband offered them our barbecue grill to use, because they were trying to cook on one that was too small.
Since that day, the wife has come over no less than twice a day to borrow something -- but she never returns the items. She'll ring the doorbell, waking up the baby and disturbing me when I'm finally getting a break.
Yesterday, this neighbor asked if she could borrow some diet soda because her husband didn't want to drink what they had at their house. (Yes, they have a car to go to the store themselves.)
I have given this woman everything from plastic zip-lock bags to milk for her two youngest who are still bottle-fed -- as well as lending out my dog carrier, which our dog needs.
She also comes over to use my phone for what she says is "only a minute" -- then calls her husband at work just to chat. Lately, I've been telling her I'm out of whatever she asks for, but she's always quick to ask for something else.
Last night I didn't answer the door when I saw her standing there. I feel like I'm literally hiding in my own house. How can I put an end to this? -- HIDING BEHIND THE BLINDS IN NAPLES, FLA.
DEAR HIDING: Your neighbor has taken advantage of your and your husband's kindness. Tell this freeloader the store is closed -- and you are busy. And to please not call when the baby is napping because it's disruptive. Period. If you don't stop her now, her behavior will escalate.
DEAR ABBY: Our only child, a son in his late 40s, has decided he is gay. He was married briefly for three years and has had three partners. I have seen very little of him, as he lives on one coast and we live on the other.
We haven't seen him for four years because he will not visit us without his partner. We do not approve of his lifestyle and feel he should visit his parents alone. I think he is being unreasonable. We both have health problems and don't need the stress.
Don't get me wrong, Abby. I love my son and it is his choice to live his life this way. But do I have to be subject to it? Am I wrong? Does anyone else have my problem? -- HEARTBROKEN MOTHER IN ORLANDO
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You are wrong. People aren't gay because they choose to be; they are gay because they are born that way. Your son tried to please you by marrying. It didn't work -- he is only being himself now. For you to demand that he visit you without his partner is both insulting and unreasonable. If he were married, you would not insist he visit you without his spouse. His partner is his family, too.
Many other parents have handled this situation in a positive way by getting information from -- or joining -- PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). This organization has more than 20 years' experience building bridges of understanding between lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual people and their families. Contact it by writing: PFLAG, 1726 M St. NW, Washington, DC 20036, or by e-mail at info(at)pflag.org, or by visiting the Web site at www.pflag.org. You'll be glad you did.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR READERS: A reader signed "Desperate in Ohio" reported that a verse her aunt told her many years ago was rattling around in her head, but she couldn't remember the last line. It went, "If 'ifs' and 'ans' were pots and pans ... "
Yesterday, my column was filled with letters from readers eager to provide the missing line, " ... there'd be no work for tinkers." Today we'll see some fascinating variations on the theme. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: Not only do I remember my mother quoting the same phrase to me, she had another one: "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." Both are from a bygone generation that held no truck with the "If only" and "I wish" mentality. In other words, if you want something to happen in your life, work for it. If something happens you don't like, deal with it, grow from it and move on. Don't just wish, complain and blame.
We could use a little more of that sage wisdom in this day of frivolous lawsuits, cheating in schools and business, etc. -- LEE BAKER DEVORE, HAMILTON, OHIO
DEAR LEE: You're right. And if everyone swept his own doorstep, this world would be a cleaner place. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My Pennsylvania Dutch grandmother used to always say, "If 'ifs' and 'ands' were pots and pans, you wouldn't have to buy any!" She had quite the collection of little sayings, including, "If you put your shoes upon the table, you'll be bad when you are able." (My mother amended that one to: "Tables are for glasses, not for a--ses!")
There were many more for all occasions, and my cousins and I thought she was the smartest woman in the world. I still miss her after 35 years. -- CHRIS GORNIK, LEVELGREEN, PA.
DEAR CHRIS: Amazing how those early lessons stay with us. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My sixth-grade teacher, the late Leona Hickey of Allegany, N.Y., used to recite the old "'Ifs' and 'Ans'" proverb to us in class (circa 1950).
Mrs. Hickey had many little epigrams. Another of her gems: "Whether it's cold or whether it's hot, we're sure to have weather, whether or not!" -- JOYCE HILLER, REDONDO BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR JOYCE: She certainly had a way with words (may she rest in peace).
DEAR ABBY: The phrase, "If 'ifs' and 'ans' were pots and pans, we'd have no need of tinkers," derives from George Bernard Shaw's play "Saint Joan," when Joan of Arc, under ecclesiastic interrogation for heresy, responds in exasperation to questions and accusations from her English persecutors.
I was in a Sydney stage production of "Saint Joan" starring Zoe Caldwell in 1962 (and later played the Earl of Warwick in a London BBC two-part television production of the story), but Zoe's earnest frustration so fervently rendered still resonates in my mind 40 years later. -- ALLAN LANDER (RETIRED ACTOR IN SAVANNAH)
DEAR ALLAN: Retired or not, take a bow!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)