For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother's Insistent Demands Could Be Sign of Depression
DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated Son in Nashville" wrote about his complaining mother making unreasonable demands of him and the family.
"Frustrated Son" and his family have made an honest effort to make his mother feel loved and cared for. However, he may not realize that she could still be depressed and grieving for her husband.
Depression in the elderly can exhibit itself in many ways. As an R.N., I have seen similar behavior in seniors who were experiencing depression, grief and other emotional/mental health problems. The mother in that letter may need an assessment by a physician or behavioral health clinic that specializes in geriatric psychiatry.
Treatment should include a general physical and diagnostic evaluation to determine any physical or mental cause for her behavior and emotions, in addition to medication and/or psychotherapy (counseling). A good program should have all three components available if necessary. -- A FRIEND IN TEXAS
DEAR FRIEND: You're right. Those are the correct steps to follow when someone exhibits a sudden change in personality or unusual behavior. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Frustrated Son in Nashville," as he travels the journey of caregiver to his aging mother. It is a journey shared by more and more of us as older family members live longer.
Having been a caregiver for three aging family members, I have not forgotten the demands -- or the frustration -- those years presented.
"Frustrated's" mother may be growing too dependent on him and other family members. He must try to take time for himself and his own family. Reducing his mother's dependence will not be easy, as it appears to be an established pattern. However, if her son does not change this pattern now, it will only get worse.
Instead of the family calling her twice a day, perhaps SHE should make the call to them at a specific time each day -- to let them know she's all right, or any other message. This seems minor, but it represents giving her back responsibility for her own affairs to the degree that she can manage them. She also has to learn that demanding, "Call me right back!" should be reserved for true emergencies.
If there is a caregiver support group in her son's city, he should consider attending it. Caregivers share common concerns and can gain insight from one another. -- ARIZONA CAREGIVER
DEAR CAREGIVER: According to the National Family Caregivers Association, more than 60 percent of family caregivers say they have suffered depression. To paraphrase the Caregiver's Bill of Rights:
Caregivers have the right to take care of themselves and know it's not selfish to do so; to enlist the care of others in the caregiving, even over the objection of the sick family member; to maintain facets of their own lives that do not include the person being cared for; to have feelings of anger or sadness and express them occasionally; to refuse to be manipulated consciously or unconsciously; to be treated with consideration, affection, acceptance and be forgiven for shortcomings; to take pride in their own individuality and what they are accomplishing; and to be applauded for the courage it takes to meet the needs of the person being cared for.
The National Family Caregivers Association can be contacted by calling toll-free 1-800-896-3650 or on the Internet at www.nfcacares.org.
HUSBAND RESENTS WIFE'S DESIRE FOR A LITTLE TIME ON HER OWN
DEAR ABBY: I love reading your column -- every day I learn something.
A longtime girlfriend invited me to visit her in California for a four-day weekend this fall. I am married with two children, ages 5 and 9. I'm also a working mom who sacrifices a great deal for my husband and kids.
My husband is refusing to let me visit my friend, because it means he would have to get the kids off to school two days in a row -- and he'd have them for the entire weekend.
I don't get time to myself very often, so I think he's being unreasonable. Whenever I tell him I want to do something with a friend, he'll say, "When do I get to do something fun?" I always tell him, "Go! Have some fun -- I'm not stopping you."
What do you think about this? Am I being unfair? -- HELD-DOWN WIFE IN SUGAR LAND, TEXAS
DEAR HELD-DOWN WIFE: No, you are not being unfair. Your husband appears to be a man with no friends, no outside interests and no relationship with his children.
It's too bad he doesn't view your trip as an opportunity for special "dad time" with his kids. It could be a wonderful memory and bonding experience for all of them.
DEAR ABBY: I must be old-fashioned, but I believe that dinnertime should be sacred family time. The phone should be turned off and the doorbell ignored.
After many years, I've finally convinced my husband to let the answering machine pick up calls while we're having dinner. However, another problem is that he cannot turn away visitors who come to our door while we're having dinner.
My husband thinks it's rude to turn someone away. I believe his inability to do this is a sign of immaturity and lack of consideration for his family.
Is it rude to tell people, "We are just sitting down to dinner -- may I call you or come by your house when we're finished?"
Please settle this long-standing debate, Abby. Who is right? -- EXASPERATED WIFE
DEAR EXASPERATED WIFE: Much depends upon who the drop-ins are. If they are "regulars," then your family time policy should be explained. If they're out-of-towners who just happen to be in the neighborhood, make an exception, invite them in and order a pizza.
DEAR ABBY: In the 1930s, during the Depression, there were 13 children plus my loving mother and father living in a small three-bedroom house. Our only means of heat and hot water came from a coal-fired stove in the kitchen. While the girls and I (the youngest boy) slept three or four to a bed, our five older brothers slept on the floor of the unfinished attic.
After two more boys came to live with us -- a cousin and a friend whose mother had died -- my mother's friends would ask, "Ellen, how could you take in two more?" My mother's standard answer was: "If you have love in your heart, you will have room in your home."
My siblings and I all have beautiful memories of our childhood. And ironically, many people we knew thought WE were the "rich" people in the neighborhood. How right they were! -- ROBERT LUMADUE, ALTOONA, PENN.
DEAR ROBERT: Your wise mother knew an important truth: Relationships are what make life rich.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Attractive Personality Makes Plain Jane Someone Beautiful
DEAR ABBY: You have said that the secret to being beautiful is feeling beautiful. I learned that lesson on my first day of high school. As I was washing my hands in the rest room, a girl I didn't know started talking to me. I looked up and standing next to me was the plainest-looking girl I'd ever seen. Her face was round and flat. Her thin blond hair hung limply to her shoulders. Her figure was out of proportion and her posture was terrible. However, she was also bubbly, confident and kind.
I was surprised such an unattractive girl had the courage to be so outgoing and friendly. And yet, there she was, completely at ease with herself. I immediately decided I liked her.
I soon learned she was one of the most popular girls in school. Everyone liked her and thought she was beautiful. It seemed I was the only one not blinded by her personality.
As the school year progressed, we became good friends. One day as we talked, I caught myself thinking how much I liked the color of her hair. I tried hard to remember her as ugly -- but I couldn't. She was beautiful.
Since I met that girl, I no longer let my own feelings of inadequacy hold me back. I initiate conversations and refuse to indulge in cruel gossip. Because I want people to see me as pretty, I dwell on being beautiful on the inside and forget about my own limp hair and big nose. -- A FORMER PLAIN JANE
DEAR FORMER PLAIN JANE: There is an old saying, "Pretty is as pretty does." It's a wise woman who learns that lesson early. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm swamped with being a mom, a full-time student and a part-time nurse. My deadline for a case study presentation is four hours away, but I am putting my work on hold to address a more pressing issue.
Lesson: ALL women are beautiful. Not only is that statement grammatically correct but it is also psychosocially correct. It's an individual's right to define what is beautiful. Women should be judged on attributes other than physical appearance. Some of my friends who regard themselves as beautiful are spiritually and emotionally deficient. Others who regard themselves as overweight or unattractive exude positive energy and make those around them feel good.
I want my daughter to be judged for her tender heart and her unending efforts to save the Earth and save humanity. She clears trash from the beaches during summer vacations, directs my attention to every Salvation Army bucket at Christmas so the less fortunate can be cared for, and opens her bedroom windows on chilly mornings to hear birds sing. To me, that is true beauty.
Physical beauty dissipates with time. Lasting beauty comes from the heart and becomes eternal as it is passed down to future generations. -- READER ON A MISSION
DEAR READER ON A MISSION: Thank you for a terrific letter. You have said it very well.
DEAR ABBY: My first real kiss was with a girl back in 1988. Now, almost 14 years later, I am still in love with her. Every time I see her, I get butterflies in my stomach, weak knees, and the cat gets my tongue.
I don't know how to go about telling her how I feel. I'm afraid I'll be rejected or lose her friendship. Abby, what should I do? -- HOPELESSLY IN LOVE IN MISHAWAKA, IND.
DEAR IN LOVE: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take the risk and tell your friend how you feel. There's a 50 percent chance she feels the same.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)