For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bride Must Hold Her Ground in Wedding Party Showdown
DEAR ABBY: Ten weeks before my wedding -- right after our wedding and bridal shower invitations were sent out -- my future father-in-law telephoned my fiance to tell him that his sister, "Courtney," no longer wanted to be in the wedding.
When I called Courtney to ask why she had changed her mind, she told me she doesn't care to ever have a relationship with me, that she doesn't want to be reminded that I'll be part of her family for the rest of her life, that she's wanted to slap me across the face quite a few times in the past five years, and that she thinks her brother could "do a lot better" than me.
My fiance told his family that Courtney would not be welcome at our wedding until she apologizes to me for the hateful things she said. His parents say that Courtney's pride is in the way, and it's not in her nature to apologize. They also informed my fiance they won't attend our wedding if Courtney isn't welcome.
Any advice? -- DISSED IN DELAWARE
DEAR DISSED: Only this: In light of her animosity toward you, Courtney does not belong at the wedding -- if only because her presence could be disruptive.
As for your fiance's parents, should they choose to skip their son's wedding in an attempt to blackmail you into having her there, it's their decision, and they'll have to live with it. This is only a sample of the way you'll be manipulated in the future if you cave in to their demand. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," and I (both 55) retired two years ago from the military. We bought a nice home in Las Vegas with a small pool and hot tub in the back yard. Since we have 9-foot privacy walls surrounding the yard, we enjoy using our spa every night in the buff.
One evening three weeks ago, Jack caught a glimpse of our next-door neighbor, "Maria," peeking over the privacy wall. She is a 49-year-old widow and must have been standing on a stepladder to get a good look. We tried not to let her know we saw her, but several nights thereafter, she did it again.
Maria is a good friend, and each Saturday morning she and I have coffee at a little coffee shop nearby. Last Saturday, Maria made a comment about how well-endowed Jack is, so I asked her how she knew. She replied, "Oh, I can just tell." Then I said, "I'll bet you've been peeking at us in the spa." Maria became enraged and stormed out of the coffee shop.
Abby, she hasn't spoken to me since. I told Jack what she said, and ever since he's been preening like a peacock. He thinks the whole thing is hilarious, but I miss her friendship. She will not answer my calls or come to the door. What can I do to regain her friendship? -- VEXED IN VEGAS
DEAR VEXED: I'm sure it won't be difficult. Send Jack over with a peace offering and a short note that begins, "To someone who has seen it all ... I miss you."
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply in love with a woman who tells me she loves me only as a friend. The problem is, we have a successful business relationship and see each other several times a week. It's painful, Abby, and I don't think the situation will ever change.
Do I give up the friendship? -- RIPPED UP IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR RIPPED UP: It's a shame to end a successful business relationship. However, when the pain is more than the pleasure, it's time to move on. Love is at its best when it's mutual. When it's not, it's masochism.
Video Solution May Break Ex Wife's Stalking Habit
DEAR ABBY: I have an almost surefire cure for "Vulture's Prey," the woman and her husband who are being stalked by his ex-wife who jogs, bikes and skates around their house. The couple should make a big show of videotaping her. (They should include a newspaper shot in order to show the date the incident is occurring.)
The woman may be furious, but she will most likely stop. At the very least, the couple will have well-documented evidence to substantiate the necessity for a restraining order. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS
DEAR BEEN THERE: Clever suggestion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Vulture's Prey," who complained that she and her husband were robbed of their privacy by his ex-wife. I, too, am a second wife. My husband's ex showed up wherever we were. When we were first married, it drove me crazy.
Abby, your advice was right on. However, I would add that "Prey" should start meeting the ex-wife -- and jog WITH her! I'll bet that within days the ex will change the location of her afternoon run. When I started sitting and talking with my husband's first wife at ball games and school functions, she began arriving late and sitting as far away from me as possible. Sign me ... NICE TO WIFE NO. 1
DEAR NICE: You turned the tables on her -- that's interesting. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the ex-wife needs to get on with her life. However, my situation is different.
My ex-husband comes to our house every day and has become friends with my husband. They spend a great deal of time together.
My ex has custody of our son, but he brings him along when he comes over. Our marriage didn't work, but the friendship has lasted for more than 10 years. -- HAPPY WITH HUBBIES
DEAR HAPPY: Congratulations on the level of tolerance and maturity exhibited by all of you.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Vulture's Prey," I had a similar experience with my ex-mother-in-law. Rather than call and complain, I realized she would always be our son's grandmother whether I liked it or not, so I decided to make an effort to talk with her whenever I saw her. I made a point of thanking her for gifts to our son, telling her what a great time he had visiting with her, inviting her in to visit with him, etc.
Once she realized that her "spying" no longer fazed me, she stopped. We are now on good terms. I believe the warm relationship I have with my son's grandparents and with his dad's first wife are the reason our son is so well adjusted. -- SATISFIED WIFE AND STEPMOM IN BOUNTIFUL, UTAH
DEAR SATISFIED: That may be true. But a large part of it also has to do with you.
DEAR ABBY: At our ages (70 and 78) we average about three funerals a year. Our problem is what to say to the bereaved. I can usually come up with something to say to the spouse, but when it comes to other relatives, who may not know who we are, we're at a loss for words. Any suggestions, Abby? -- TWO SENIORS IN LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR SENIORS: Take the initiative and introduce yourselves warmly, explain your relationship to the deceased -- "An old friend from ..." "Worked with him at ..." "We were golfing buddies ..." -- and say, "We are so sorry for your loss. He/she will be missed."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Treatment for Woman's Ear Infection Aims a Little Low
DEAR ABBY: I had an ear infection while my regular doctor was out of town. The doctor I was referred to has practiced here for many years.
While I was seated in the examination room, the doctor stood behind me looking around the side into my ear. No nurse was present. Suddenly, without warning, I felt his hand go down my blouse and into my bra. I was so shocked I stood up and walked out.
I have since learned that this doctor does a "breast exam" on his female patients each time he sees them. I have talked with some of these women (my friends), and they see nothing wrong with this method of examination. In fact, they feel fortunate to be checked so often. I say this is not the way to do a breast exam. What do you think? -- NO DOCTOR'S PLAYMATE
DEAR NO PLAYMATE: I think you need a second opinion, and it should come from the licensing committee of the state in which this doctor is playing doctor. The way he's doing breast exams is highly unusual and may even be sexual battery.
DEAR ABBY: I have been a loyal employee working for the same company for nearly 40 years. Six months ago they switched to a new computer system. It has been very stressful for me and others in my age bracket to learn the new procedures. Younger people seem to grasp them more easily.
Management won't give me a buy-out package, and I am too young to retire. I was hoping my last seven years with the company would be pleasant. I hate going to work. I hate feeling ignorant. What should I do? -- BAYPORT BABY BOOMER
DEAR BAYPORT BABY BOOMER: It's normal to feel unsure of things new and foreign to our experience. Since you can't avoid the changes that have occurred, change your attitude and join the computer evolution.
Because you and the other older workers are behind in the learning curve, ask your boss to provide extra computer classes and workshops for those of you who did not grow up with computers. It's cost-effective and will save the company time and money in the long run -- as well as relieve the stress you and others are experiencing.
DEAR ABBY: Today many extended families use the word "step." After my mother died and Dad remarried, we didn't know how to address his new wife. She was quick to suggest "Bonus Mom." Since she and my father lost their spouses within days of each other, they consider this their "bonus time" together.
Extended families should adopt the word "bonus" and dump the word "step." It's a great conversation starter, too. -- BONUS FAMILY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BONUS FAMILY: I like the positive message that "bonus" conveys. It connotes something unexpected and desirable. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to the woman in Canada who told her stepson to refer to her as his "Wicked Stepmother," my 13-year-old stepson and I have coined a new word for our relationship. He calls me "S'Mom." It's an abbreviated version of "stepmom." It expresses the affection we have for each other and has become a term of endearment. -- GLAD TO BE A S'MOM IN VIRGINIA
DEAR GLAD: S'marvelous idea! Thanks for sharing.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)