What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Video Solution May Break Ex Wife's Stalking Habit
DEAR ABBY: I have an almost surefire cure for "Vulture's Prey," the woman and her husband who are being stalked by his ex-wife who jogs, bikes and skates around their house. The couple should make a big show of videotaping her. (They should include a newspaper shot in order to show the date the incident is occurring.)
The woman may be furious, but she will most likely stop. At the very least, the couple will have well-documented evidence to substantiate the necessity for a restraining order. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS
DEAR BEEN THERE: Clever suggestion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Vulture's Prey," who complained that she and her husband were robbed of their privacy by his ex-wife. I, too, am a second wife. My husband's ex showed up wherever we were. When we were first married, it drove me crazy.
Abby, your advice was right on. However, I would add that "Prey" should start meeting the ex-wife -- and jog WITH her! I'll bet that within days the ex will change the location of her afternoon run. When I started sitting and talking with my husband's first wife at ball games and school functions, she began arriving late and sitting as far away from me as possible. Sign me ... NICE TO WIFE NO. 1
DEAR NICE: You turned the tables on her -- that's interesting. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the ex-wife needs to get on with her life. However, my situation is different.
My ex-husband comes to our house every day and has become friends with my husband. They spend a great deal of time together.
My ex has custody of our son, but he brings him along when he comes over. Our marriage didn't work, but the friendship has lasted for more than 10 years. -- HAPPY WITH HUBBIES
DEAR HAPPY: Congratulations on the level of tolerance and maturity exhibited by all of you.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Vulture's Prey," I had a similar experience with my ex-mother-in-law. Rather than call and complain, I realized she would always be our son's grandmother whether I liked it or not, so I decided to make an effort to talk with her whenever I saw her. I made a point of thanking her for gifts to our son, telling her what a great time he had visiting with her, inviting her in to visit with him, etc.
Once she realized that her "spying" no longer fazed me, she stopped. We are now on good terms. I believe the warm relationship I have with my son's grandparents and with his dad's first wife are the reason our son is so well adjusted. -- SATISFIED WIFE AND STEPMOM IN BOUNTIFUL, UTAH
DEAR SATISFIED: That may be true. But a large part of it also has to do with you.
DEAR ABBY: At our ages (70 and 78) we average about three funerals a year. Our problem is what to say to the bereaved. I can usually come up with something to say to the spouse, but when it comes to other relatives, who may not know who we are, we're at a loss for words. Any suggestions, Abby? -- TWO SENIORS IN LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR SENIORS: Take the initiative and introduce yourselves warmly, explain your relationship to the deceased -- "An old friend from ..." "Worked with him at ..." "We were golfing buddies ..." -- and say, "We are so sorry for your loss. He/she will be missed."
Treatment for Woman's Ear Infection Aims a Little Low
DEAR ABBY: I had an ear infection while my regular doctor was out of town. The doctor I was referred to has practiced here for many years.
While I was seated in the examination room, the doctor stood behind me looking around the side into my ear. No nurse was present. Suddenly, without warning, I felt his hand go down my blouse and into my bra. I was so shocked I stood up and walked out.
I have since learned that this doctor does a "breast exam" on his female patients each time he sees them. I have talked with some of these women (my friends), and they see nothing wrong with this method of examination. In fact, they feel fortunate to be checked so often. I say this is not the way to do a breast exam. What do you think? -- NO DOCTOR'S PLAYMATE
DEAR NO PLAYMATE: I think you need a second opinion, and it should come from the licensing committee of the state in which this doctor is playing doctor. The way he's doing breast exams is highly unusual and may even be sexual battery.
DEAR ABBY: I have been a loyal employee working for the same company for nearly 40 years. Six months ago they switched to a new computer system. It has been very stressful for me and others in my age bracket to learn the new procedures. Younger people seem to grasp them more easily.
Management won't give me a buy-out package, and I am too young to retire. I was hoping my last seven years with the company would be pleasant. I hate going to work. I hate feeling ignorant. What should I do? -- BAYPORT BABY BOOMER
DEAR BAYPORT BABY BOOMER: It's normal to feel unsure of things new and foreign to our experience. Since you can't avoid the changes that have occurred, change your attitude and join the computer evolution.
Because you and the other older workers are behind in the learning curve, ask your boss to provide extra computer classes and workshops for those of you who did not grow up with computers. It's cost-effective and will save the company time and money in the long run -- as well as relieve the stress you and others are experiencing.
DEAR ABBY: Today many extended families use the word "step." After my mother died and Dad remarried, we didn't know how to address his new wife. She was quick to suggest "Bonus Mom." Since she and my father lost their spouses within days of each other, they consider this their "bonus time" together.
Extended families should adopt the word "bonus" and dump the word "step." It's a great conversation starter, too. -- BONUS FAMILY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BONUS FAMILY: I like the positive message that "bonus" conveys. It connotes something unexpected and desirable. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to the woman in Canada who told her stepson to refer to her as his "Wicked Stepmother," my 13-year-old stepson and I have coined a new word for our relationship. He calls me "S'Mom." It's an abbreviated version of "stepmom." It expresses the affection we have for each other and has become a term of endearment. -- GLAD TO BE A S'MOM IN VIRGINIA
DEAR GLAD: S'marvelous idea! Thanks for sharing.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Victims of Foreign Torture Build New Lives in America
DEAR ABBY: While terrorism remains on the minds of Americans in the wake of the 9-11 tragedy, millions of other people silently cope each day with another form of terror. They are survivors of torture.
More than half a million of these people live in the United States. They are individuals and families who have suffered for their belief in democracy or their membership in a particular ethnic or political group, often at the hands of dictatorial foreign governments.
Their scars are both physical and mental, but with the help of 30 torture treatment centers nationwide, they are putting their pasts to rest. While Sierra Leone and Somalia seem a world away to most Americans, survivors of these war-torn countries are increasingly becoming our friends and neighbors, teachers and ticket-takers, all of whom are building new lives for themselves.
According to Amnesty International, torture is used in more than 150 countries. Individuals suffer horribly at the hands of their captors from torture designed to silence entire communities. It is used as a weapon to eliminate dissent. Its goal is to breed fear and destroy human rights, often to gain or retain political power.
Please, Abby, let your readers know that help is available for those who need it. Those willing to help end these senseless acts can learn more about this frighteningly common practice and how to help stop it by visiting www.cvt.org. Thank you. -- DOUGLAS JOHNSON, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, CENTER FOR VICTIMS OF TORTURE, MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR DOUGLAS: Tomorrow, June 26, marks the fifth U.N. International Day in Support of Victims of Torture, and I'm sure that many of my readers will be interested in learning more about this. It's easy for those of us who have lived our lives in a democratic country to envision victims of torture as people who are in distant lands. The fact that more than half a million victims of this kind of repression are literally our neighbors may come as a surprise to many people.
Our country is truly a refuge for "huddled masses yearning to breathe free." Those who wish to add their voices in protest of man's inhumanity to man and hasten the end of this barbaric practice should visit the Center for Victims of Torture Web site.
DEAR ABBY: This is a letter of thanks and a warning.
For Mother's Day, my adult children and spouses brought all the fixings to my home for a barbecue. I didn't have to do a thing. We had a wonderful time, and everyone went home by 9 p.m.
Around midnight, I was awakened by the sound of sirens and got up to see where the fire trucks had stopped. To my horror, they were parked in front of my house! One of my sons had cleaned the barbecue grill, swept the hot ashes into a paper bag, put them on the wooden deck and forgot them. They smoldered for hours, causing my deck to become engulfed in flames. That's the warning.
My thanks go to the unknown neighbor or passer-by who called 911 and saved our lives. -- NADINE MEEHAN, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR NADINE: Talk about throwing cold water on a warm memory! Embers should be disposed of in a metal container with water or allowed to burn out in the barbecue.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)