For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Church Scandal Stirs Anger, Sorrow Over Abuse of Trust
DEAR ABBY: After days of meeting in Vatican City, the U.S. cardinals came to an official agreement on zero tolerance for child molesters. They say, "One strike and you're out."
I am enraged and deeply saddened that it took a group of grown men a trip halfway around the globe to conclude the obvious. Were they perhaps considering other options -- like THREE strikes and you're out? The real humdinger is that they will not necessarily apply the zero-tolerance rule to priests who molested children years ago but have repented and are well-received by their community. Where is the debate? Child molester. I'll say it again ... CHILD MOLESTER! It's time to take these people away from our children and our churches and put them in jail where they belong. -- LAURA IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR LAURA: I'm sure the majority of American Catholics agree with you. However, let's not bash the priesthood, which has many dedicated members. The problem of abuse of a trusted position exists in every religion and in every profession. The disgrace in this case is that information was suppressed and ignored for decades.
Among the letters I have received on this subject was one from a man in the Midwest, who wrote:
"As a young boy, I was molested by my priest. I thought I had brought it on myself, and I was so ashamed I never told a soul about it. Because of the recent revelations about the church, I finally found the courage to confide what happened to my closest friend. Do you know what his response was? 'It happened to me, too.'
"Abby, I wonder how many others there are like me and my friend -- who were also molested and never spoke up."
That's a good question. I urge any reader who was molested by anyone as a child to come forward and bring it to light by reporting it TO THE POLICE. A victim has no reason to feel guilt or shame. Those are emotions that should be felt by the perpetrator of such a crime. Reporting molestation not only begins the process of healing for the victim, but could also prevent other children from becoming victims, too.
DEAR ABBY: Three or four months ago, my "Aunt Rosa" hosted a "get-acquainted" luncheon and invited several of her new neighbors. One neighbor, "Mrs. Miller," complimented Aunt Rosa on her delicious Mexican casserole.
The following week, Mrs. Miller called Aunt Rosa and announced that she had broken her back. Then she asked if my aunt would prepare dinner for her -- and to please make it her "scrumptuous" Mexican casserole. Aunt Rosa was flattered. She said she was happy to help her in her time of need. Before hanging up, Mrs. Miller threw in that she'd like my aunt to pick up a dessert for her -- and to make the casserole for six, because she was having company!
Abby, Aunt Rosa spent a lot of time and money -- and never received so much as a "thank you" for her efforts. Mrs. Miller's husband even had the nerve to show up at my aunt's house with his daughter to sell her some Girl Scout cookies. Aunt Rosa said Mr. Miller looked perfectly healthy. He could have made the Mexican casserole himself or ordered take-out. I am still furious that my Aunt Rosa was treated in this despicable manner. Your thoughts, please. -- DISGUSTED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR DISGUSTED: How do you say "chutzpah" in Spanish? Mrs. Miller needs to hear it -- and so does Aunt Rosa.
Secretary Playing Detective Gets Surprising Private Eyeful
DEAR ABBY: I am the executive secretary for the president of a large national company. My office overlooks the entrance to the building, so I see everyone who enters or leaves. A few months ago, while standing at my window talking to a male staff member, I saw a woman I'll call "Lois" leave the building, get into a car and leave with the driver. I commented to the staffer, "Isn't that nice? There's Lois leaving for lunch with her husband." The man replied, "That's not her husband; that's her latest boyfriend."
Abby, I have seen Lois leave and return in that car at least twice a week for months. I assumed it was her husband because she has kissed this man goodbye right outside my office window on many occasions.
The staffer then told me about the affair he'd had with Lois that nearly ended his marriage -- and I believe it, because a few days ago I spotted her leaving with the man again and followed them. I now regret it because I was appalled at what I saw when they parked in a remote area. She began undressing in the car!
Most people think Lois is a loving wife and mother. She is liked by her manager and co-workers. Should I go to human resources and report this? What if they don't believe me? How will this reflect on me? I see her in-laws in church every Sunday and at church functions. Should I just sit back and not mention the immorality?
My heart tells me to act one way; my head tells me it could affect my job in the long term. Please advise, but don't reveal my name or location. -- BETWIXT AND BETWEEN IN CORPORATE AMERICA
DEAR B AND B: Listen to your head. Lois is doing her job and has the respect of her supervisor and co-workers. For you to have followed her on her lunch hour was a mistake. You are not the local representative of the ministry of virtue and vice. If you report this woman's marital infidelity, you will earn the reputation of company busybody.
Sooner or later, Lois' affair will come to light. However, her private life is none of your business -- and if you are wise, you will not make it so. If you feel morally obligated, the person you should talk to is Lois.
Your letter brought to mind another one that appeared in the column years ago:
DEAR ABBY: We work in a large office. Our office manager -- I'll call him "Marvin" -- is a middle-aged family man. The boss's secretary, "Sissy," is a shapely young divorcee. Since Sissy came to work here, she and Marvin have been spending a lot of time together in the file room with the door locked. What they do in there is their business, but we're tired of covering for them when the boss comes looking for Sissy. What do you suggest? -- THE OFFICE GANG
DEAR GANG: Next time the boss comes looking for Sissy, tell him to look in the file room under "Marvin."
DEAR ABBY: I am going to a fund-raising party held in a park in San Francisco. The invitation says the dress is "casual sheik." Do you have any idea what that means? -- LOST IN S.F.
DEAR LOST: Unless the theme is Middle Eastern, the word should be "chic." In this case that means the dress should be "dressy casual."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Last year, our family started a tradition I hope lasts for generations to come.
Each June on the Sunday before Father's Day, we plan to celebrate "Siblings' Day." We picked this day because it's between Mother's Day and Father's Day, and the kids are out of school.
Our children made cards for each of their brothers and sisters, telling each other what they liked about them and how special they are. Then I took them one at a time to the toy store to buy each sibling a present with their allowance. I was sure they would not want to spend their own money on each other, but I was wrong. Not only did they want to, but they put a great deal of thought and effort into picking out toys they thought each child would want. When we got home, the kids excitedly wrapped their gifts.
On Sunday morning, the cards and presents were exchanged. I made a special lunch and baked a cake for the occasion. The good feelings among our children lasted for days and were a delight for all of us.
Abby, I hope your readers agree that this special tradition could benefit families everywhere. -- A.H.C. IN ATLANTA
DEAR A.H.C.: What a lovely idea. We hear so much about how destructive sibling rivalry can be. Your positive approach to building a stronger bond among your children will benefit everybody later on.
DEAR ABBY: I read with amusement the letter from "Looking for Help in Pennsylvania," who wanted family photos that included her husband's ex-wife taken down from her mother-in-law's living room wall. Here's how I handled a similar problem.
My husband and I have two married sons. In 1985, the six of us attended a family wedding, and while we were all dressed up, I asked the photographer to take a family picture. Thinking this would be a nice tradition, we had another group portrait taken the next year.
I started a "family wall" in our den with the two portraits, but when it was time for the next one, our younger son and his wife had gone through a nasty divorce -- so, of course, "she" was no longer in the picture.
One day, while looking at the first two family photos that included our ex-daughter-in-law, I decided they were too good to hide or throw away, so I pulled out some acrylic paints and painted over her using a floral pattern. In the first picture, I call the flower "Venus Man Trap." In the second, "Blooming Idiot."
Since that time, our older son and his wife have blessed us with two precious grandchildren, and our younger son has married a wonderful girl we all love. We continue our tradition of taking an annual family photo. It's a wonderful way to see how we've all grown through the years. Thanks to my artwork, the older pictures aren't offensive to our new daughter-in-law. -- AMATEUR ARTIST IN ROME, GA.
DEAR ARTIST: You are not only artistic, but witty as well. Your creativity came in handy when the bloom was off the rose.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)