What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Disabled Relative Pleads for Attention From Family
DEAR ABBY: I am 48 and disabled. I have never had a birthday party, received a Christmas present, or attended a family wedding or funeral. Years ago, I overheard my brother tell someone he had only three brothers and sisters. I am the fourth. It hurts to this day.
Each year, "in the spirit of Christmas," my family picks me up to spend Christmas Day with them. However, no one talks to me -- not even to wish me a "Merry Christmas." My nephews and nieces hold up their children from across the room to stare at me. I feel like I'm in a zoo. When I write to them, my letters are returned.
I was told that some babies die at birth. For some reason I lived -- but this isn't living. How can I make my family realize that I exist? -- THE INVISIBLE CHILD
DEAR INVISIBLE CHILD: I'm sorry you don't have the loving, supportive family that you deserve. Rather than trying to "make" your family realize that you are a human being with needs not unlike their own -- look around you. You are probably already a member of a "family" -- those people with whom you live, work and worship and who care about you. More of your needs can be met by concentrating on your relationships with them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I work in a state health care facility for the disabled. Some are unable to do much for themselves. Others have excellent personal and social skills. Many of them have no family contact.
Years ago, parents were encouraged to put children with developmental disabilities into an institution and forget about them. I understand why some parents may feel guilty, wondering if they are to blame for the child's condition. What I can't understand is how parents and family can turn their backs on a child. We all need someone to love and care for us.
Abby, please urge your readers to reach out to a family member who is in an institution or group setting. Yes, they are being fed, housed and clothed, but they also need contact with family and friends. If it's not possible to visit, send a letter or card and include a dollar bill -- especially on birthdays and holidays. Check on the visiting hours, talk with staff members to see what interests, activities or hobbies the resident may have. Ask if he or she would enjoy going out to lunch or to a shopping mall or G-rated movie. Please don't feel guilty if you haven't made contact. Now is the time to reach out before it's too late.
We work hard to keep our residents happy, but they need warm and loving relationships with their families, too. -- I CARE IN ORAN, MO.
DEAR I CARE: You are a compassionate caregiver, and you are absolutely right -- everyone needs to know he or she is loved every day of the year.
Boy's Spying Eyes Force Skinny Dippers to Cover Up
DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I purchased our new home, we made sure the swimming pool was private and concealed from the houses on either side. We enjoy skinny-dipping and didn't want to offend our neighbors. We believed we'd made the right choice until the boy next door began climbing the fence to spy on us.
Unfortunately, his parents refuse to discipline him. They insist that we cover up. We have since found out the previous owners had the same problem, but failed to disclose this to us when we bought our home. We had made it clear to our Realtor that we wanted to be nude in our back yard -- and he assured us this was the "perfect" place for it.
Abby, we want to be able to enjoy our back yard -- either naked or fully clothed -- without being spied upon. The neighbors are threatening us with legal action because they think we are corrupting their son. Have you any advice? -- NO TAN LINE IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO TAN LINE: You are overdue for a talk with your attorney. In California, the law requires full disclosure about "problems" when property is bought and sold, and you may have a valid complaint against the former owners of the house.
Also, the neighbor boy who is preoccupied with your sunbathing to the extent that he's climbing the fence to spy on you appears to be a budding Peeping Tom. Rather than allowing him to get an eyeful, his parents should be giving him an earful about people's right to privacy.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend at school I've been close to for about a year. I'll call her Amy. Recently, she has become cruel toward me -- making fun of my learning disability, hair, weight, etc.
My other friends and I sometimes joke around by teasing each other, but Amy takes things way too far. When she says hurtful things, there's a look in her eyes that says, "I want to damage you emotionally."
When I try to talk to Amy about it, she says, "Well, YOU started it," or "Why are you taking this so seriously -- you let the other girls tease you!" Abby, I want to keep Amy as a friend because when she's not being rude, she's pretty cool. Please help. -- TEEN GIRL IN TEXAS
DEAR TEEN GIRL: There is a difference between a teasing comment and one intended to wound. Teasing can be laughed off -- and is often a sign of intimacy or affection.
What Amy is doing is not witty, nor is it well-intended. Tell her that unless she knocks off the wisecracks, you'll avoid her. And if she doesn't stop -- follow through. You won't miss the pain.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letters you have printed about the "drunken geese." I may not know about drunken geese, but I know about drunken fish.
My Uncle John was a cook on a Mississippi River towboat, and one day he had planned to serve fried fish for lunch.
As the barges headed upstream on the Illinois River toward Peoria, the Hiram Walker distillery caught fire, and a great deal of whiskey suddenly flowed into the water around the boat.
Drunken fish flopped up onto the deck of the boat. The crew became so amused by their antics that when lunch rolled around, they refused to eat the fish that Uncle John had prepared! -- STONE SOBER
DEAR STONE SOBER: I can understand why. There's something redundant about frying fish that are already fried to the gills. Thanks for the fish story.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Adoptive Mom Salutes Birth Mom for Giving Up Her Child
DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago I decided to place my child for adoption. I was 19, unmarried, and did not have the means to support a baby.
Your Mother's Day column that year included a tribute to mothers who unselfishly placed their children for adoption. I cut it out and have carried it in my wallet ever since. I know other birth mothers would also find comfort from reading it. Would you consider printing it again? -- JULIANA IN BOISE, IDAHO
DEAR JULIANA: With pleasure.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you will use my letter on Mother's Day as a tribute to those brave, unselfish mothers who have placed their babies for adoption.
I am a new mother whose heart is overflowing with gratitude to a 15-year-old girl I have never seen. I understand that she is a beautiful, intelligent person who became pregnant accidentally and decided on her own that her baby should have a better life than she was able to provide, so she agreed to allow her baby to be adopted.
As soon as our son is able to understand, I shall tell him about his "real" mother and what a courageous person she is.
In the meantime, I pray daily for her well-being and good fortune. Sign me ... BLESSED
DEAR BLESSED: Thank you for an appropriate letter for Mother's Day. I agree that placing a child for adoption for his or her own good is the ultimate in unselfishness. God bless those mothers who do.
DEAR ABBY: My mother just finished reciting the same speech she gives every year as Mother's Day approaches. It begins, "Now please don't throw your money away on a gift for me ... I don't need a thing."
Abby, I know my mother doesn't "need" anything, but I enjoy giving her presents, and it takes the pleasure out of it for me when she displays this attitude. I wish you'd tell mothers that children of all ages enjoy giving gifts on Mother's Day, so please accept them graciously. -- SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your mother's attitude is typical of many other mothers. She would probably prefer that you use the money to buy something for yourself. However, that doesn't mean Mother's Day should not be celebrated with a gift.
This year, write your mother a letter telling her how much you love her and what life-lessons you have learned from her example. I'm sure if you do so, she will treasure it as long as she lives.
DEAR ABBY: What is the significance of wearing a single carnation on Mother's Day? -- FLOWER CHILD
DEAR CHILD: A red carnation is worn to signify that one's mother is living. A white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.
There should also be an identifying flower worn by those mothers who choose motherhood by raising a foster child, adopting a child or raising a stepchild.
And a special place in heaven awaits those mothers who chose a child with an "imperfection," knowing that children with physical or mental challenges not only have special needs, but also require a superabundance of love, understanding and patience.