What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law allowed my 7-year-old daughter to use her library card. Unbeknownst to me, my daughter picked out a book and brought it home. A few weeks later, Grandma received a late notice from the library. My daughter and I found the book and walked it over to Grandma's house and laid it on her dining room table where she would be sure to see it and return it.
Later that same day, my 20-year-old daughter, who was helping Grandma move some things, inadvertently picked up the book and put it in her car. The book hasn't been seen since.
Grandma now wants my 7-year-old to pay the library $13 for the lost book. I know we should have taken the book back to the library ourselves, but I don't think this is fair. Who do you think should pay for the book? Grandma, my oldest daughter or my younger daughter? -- WHY-O-WHY-O IN OHIO
DEAR WHY-O: YOU should. And while you're at it, you should also get your young daughter her own library card and explain the rules to her. You'll be doing her a favor by giving her an early start in the right direction. Libraries are treasure troves for children.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and I are arguing over what is proper attire for an evening wedding in December. My nephew is being married, and the wedding will be held at 5 p.m. I want to wear a dressy black suit with a couple of strands of pearls, but my mother is furious with me! She feels it would be inappropriate to go to a wedding dressed "like I'm attending a funeral."
I have tried to explain that these days black is always acceptable regardless of the occasion, as long as the dress is in good taste. However, my mother says she will never believe that until she sees it in print. Can you help? -- FASHION SAVVY IN TEXAS
DEAR FASHION SAVVY: I'll try, but your mother is obviously a member of the "old school."
In recent decades, the old rules have relaxed to the point that black is now acceptable at weddings. In fact, some sophisticated brides opt for "black-and-white" weddings in which all attendants are requested to wear black.
Your dressy black suit for an evening wedding in December seems conservative, proper and tasteful to me.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13, in the eighth grade, and have been reading your column faithfully for two years.
I have become good friends with a freshman boy I will call "Tad." We were in a play together last year. He now plays in the high school band. Here is where the problem lies: The rest of my friends in the band don't like Tad. When I ask them why, their exact words are, "He's a fag" and "He's just weird."
Yes, he is quite weird, which is the reason I am drawn to him. My friends think I am absolutely nuts! Recently I revealed to one of them that I have a slight crush on Tad. She looked at me as if I were some kind of disgusting beast. I know I should ignore their comments, but I have the feeling there is something more I should do. What do you think? -- ODD DUCK IN SOUTH TEXAS
DEAR ODD DUCK: I think you have done enough already by defending Tad to your friends. Not every teen would be as brave or resolute and would knuckle under to peer pressure. Some of the most interesting and worthwhile people in the world are those who didn't fit into the mold when they were your age. Don't let anyone else choose your friends for you.
CHEATING SPOUSES LEAVE VARIED CLUES TO THEIR DECEIT
DEAR READERS: At the end of a recent column, I printed a short letter from a reader signed "Suspicious Texan," asking what are the telltale signs of a cheating spouse. (I listed eight -- secretiveness, a sudden change in manner of dress or grooming, unexplained absences, less affectionate, unfamiliar charges on credit card bills, strange numbers on the phone bill, hang-ups on your home phone, and more business trips than usual.)
I then asked readers if they cared to add to the list. The response was so great, it nearly gave my mailman a hernia! Read on:
-- I play more "golf." (That's good for five or six hours.)
-- You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.
-- Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating, or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)
-- He stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
-- Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.
-- He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.
-- He refuses to let you take him to the airport when he's leaving town.
-- He carries condoms and you are on the pill.
-- Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from Caller ID.
-- Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.
-- He becomes "accusatory," asking if YOU are being true to HIM, usually out of guilt.
-- Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"
-- He buys himself new underwear.
-- He insists that the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.
-- She stops wearing her wedding ring.
-- Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.
-- Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.
-- Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.
-- Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.
-- Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
-- You find out by accident that he or she took a vacation day or personal time off from work -- but supposedly worked on those days.
-- Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.
-- Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.
-- Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.
-- Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.
-- Suddenly works long hours or weekends and never seems to be at his/her desk to answer the phone. Calls back later with a reason such as, "I was working in the conference room where there was more space."
-- Has lots of "emergency errands" -- then comes home empty-handed, saying, "They didn't have what I needed."
-- He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house, and had to eat the dinner I prepared when he got home.
-- The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!
And last but not least:
DEAR ABBY: My wife scores five out of the eight telltale signs listed in your column. However, she and I agree that most of them fit her job description. She's a real estate agent.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Explosive Temper Puts His Wife in Harm's Way
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 10 months, "Stan," is kind, generous, and a hard worker. He does a lot of work around the house and likes to spoil me.
On the downside, Stan has a bad temper. He sometimes acts like an angry child. He'll speed away in his truck when he gets upset about some insignificant thing. There have been times when he's driving me somewhere that he has gotten mad and driven recklessly -- speeding and tailgating.
I have begged him to slow down and be careful, but it does no good. When we get home in one piece, I say a prayer of thanks.
Six weeks ago, Stan started taking medication for his panic disorder, but it hasn't helped. Although he calms down and apologizes afterward, the outbursts continue. He has promised to try anger management counseling, but we haven't pursued it yet because of the cost.
Should I go ahead and set up an appointment for him, Abby? What other advice can you offer? -- TEXAS TINA
DEAR TINA: Before scheduling any appointments for your spouse, his doctor should be notified that his present medication hasn't modified his behavior. After that, your husband should set up his own appointment for the anger management classes. Be supportive, but he must take responsibility for his own actions. There is only so much one can do for another.
DEAR ABBY: I am an English as a Second Language (ESL) tutor, and would like to respond to the letters about your column being used to teach English to foreign students.
Large numbers of immigrants in my area do not speak English. It's not an easy language to learn. I cringe when I see U.S. citizens walking in the mall sporting T-shirts that state, "Welcome to America: Now Learn Our Language!" Maybe these folks think they're cool, but they must realize that there are countless people in this country who would love to learn English. However, they need tutors.
There is much demand for ESL tutors -- for individuals willing to meet with some of these immigrants weekly to conduct a conversation class. Instead of being angry at our new citizens, valuable time could be spent teaching them.
Have any of those people sporting slogans on T-shirts ever tried answering the 100 questions one must study to take the citizenship test? Let me tell you, Abby, I have been stumped by a number of these questions -- while my ESL students could rattle off the answers.
If anyone reading this has the time to tutor, it can be a rewarding way to volunteer. Come learn how! The students are deeply appreciative. -- ESL TUTOR IN MIDDLESEX COUNTY, N.J.
DEAR ESL TUTOR: What a wonderful idea. Readers interested in becoming a tutor should contact the local school district, library or community center to see if there are programs in their area.
DEAR ABBY: I am a regular churchgoer. My pastor said there is no sex in heaven, but my gut feeling is that there is. Is there sex in heaven? -- SEXY IN SIOUX FALLS, S.D.
DEAR SEXY: I'm not sure, but if my mail is an indicator, it could be the answer to a lot of prayers.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)