For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
STUDENT PLANS POST-GRADUATE DATING COURSE WITH TEACHER
DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with my teacher. I'm 18; he is 23 and single. I have been in love with him since I met him 18 months ago.
He hasn't done anything that could cost him his career, but there have been times when he has shown interest in me. Recently, though, I was told by the principal to "be careful." Not to stop, mind you -- just be careful.
I still love him as much as I ever did, but I can't show it. I graduate in December and was planning on talking to him about this then. Between now and then, though, what should I do? -- IN LOVE IN LA FAYETTE, GA.
DEAR IN LOVE: Until then, you and the teacher should do as the principal urged. Be careful. If you don't, you could harm your reputation and this young man's career.
The best advice I can offer is to play it cool -- very cool -- until at least six months after you graduate. That way, if your interest is reciprocated, he cannot be accused of jumping the gun and starting a relationship while you were still a student. This may seem like a long time to wait, but it's best for both of you. Tongues will wag even then, so I urge you not to give them grist for the rumor mill.
DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend constantly gives me hickeys. Despite the fact that I have asked him not to, he intentionally marks my neck and throat on a weekly basis.
I am in my mid-20s and find these bright-red marks both unprofessional and unnecessary. I have also tried wearing perfume or moisturizer on my neck to get him to stop.
How do I prevent the hickeys, or do I have to get rid of the boyfriend? -- EMBARRASSED IN ORLANDO
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Either your boyfriend has an immature sense of humor, or he is making the marks so others will know he is intimate with you. I can understand your embarrassment in the workplace.
Tell him the hickeys have to go -- or he will. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life wearing turtleneck sweaters because you have a boyfriend who is insecure unless he has "marked his territory."
DEAR ABBY: Prior to my older sister's recent death, she shared a family secret. She told me that in the 1960s, while he was serving in the U.S. military in a foreign country, our brother had fathered a child. He was young and fresh out of high school.
My sister said our now-deceased mother had opened a letter addressed to my brother from the baby's mother saying his child was born. She read it -- and tore it up. To my sister's knowledge, Mother never shared the news with my brother.
Now that I am over the shock, I am struggling as to what to do with this information -- if anything. (My brother is happily married with grown children.)
What would you do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR CAUGHT: Since the woman had your mother's address in the States, she clearly was more than a one-night stand. If I were you, I would tell my brother privately. He has a right to know.
Absence of Affection Makes Woman Doubt Man's Love
DEAR ABBY: I have a somewhat heart-wrenching dilemma. Last night, I told my fiance that I loved him so much I would be devastated if something happened to him. He didn't say anything. Then I asked him if he felt the same way. He said, "Well ... probably." Abby, he is not affectionate and there have been many times when I have doubted his love for me. He treats my son like his own, though. We've discussed this, and he always tells me I overreact. What should I do? -- FEELING HURT IN RENO
DEAR FEELING HURT: You are looking for reassurance; he's a poor communicator. Clip this column and be sure he sees it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I enlisted shortly after Pearl Harbor. Thirty-six days later, I was on my way to the Philippines. En route, the Philippines fell to the Japanese, and we were routed to Australia. Eleven days after we landed, I met the most beautiful girl in the world.
On our first date, I told her I was going to marry her. I did, 18 months later, while on a 10-day R-and-R leave from New Guinea.
After more than 57 years of marriage and two children, my beloved "Mary" died five days before Christmas. Although we agreed that our ashes were to be scattered over the mountains, I found I could not part with hers.
While Mary was alive, she would frequently say, "You don't know how much I love you." I'd reply, "Likewise." I never said, "I love you." Now her ashes are on my dresser, where I tell her several times a day how much I love her, but it's too late. Although I wrote poetry to her, I could not bring myself to say the three words I knew she wanted most to hear.
As my dearest was dying and we thought she was comatose, I told her, "There aren't enough words to tell you how much I love you." A few hours later, she whispered, "Not enough words" and died.
The reason I'm writing is to urge men to express their feelings while their loved ones are alive. I don't know why, but many men are reluctant to express the depth of their feelings. -- MISSING MARY IN COLORADO
DEAR MISSING MARY: Perhaps it's because they were taught as boys that it's unmanly to express emotion -- which they have interpreted to mean that expressing heartfelt emotion is a sign of weakness. Fortunately, in these "liberated" times, that philosophy is changing because we now know that expressing one's feelings is healthy for both men and women.
DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I need your advice. We know our stepfather is cheating on our mother, but we don't know what to do. We love our stepdad and would never have thought this could happen -- but it's become a cold reality.
We cannot just sit and watch our mother be taken advantage of. It feels like we are betraying Mom by not telling her what we know.
She reads your column faithfully and has often clipped it for us to read. Abby, please help us. We're at a loss. -- NEEDING ADVICE ASAP IN KENTUCKY
DEAR NEEDING ADVICE: You have been placed in a terrible position. Tell your stepfather what you know, and give him a deadline to break off the affair -- or else YOU will tell your mother. And if he doesn't do it, follow through.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FREE EYE-CARE PROGRAM NOW OFFERS SERVICE YEAR-ROUND
DEAR ABBY: The American Optometric Association is pleased to announce that for the first time, VISION USA, our free eye-care program for low-income, working Americans, is accepting applications and examinations year-round!
Children, adults and seniors in working families can now benefit by applying any time throughout the year. This allows them to receive an eye exam when it is needed most.
Year-round VISION USA means that the 7,000 optometrists who donate these comprehensive eye exams will be able to serve more patients through the program. During the exam, an optometrist will not only examine vision acuity (how well the eyes can see distant and close), but also examine the eyes for focusing, visual alignment, tracking, binocular fusion and disease.
To qualify for free eye care through VISION USA, individuals must be working or be part of a household with one member who is working at least part-time, have no insurance that covers eye examinations, an income below an established level based on household size, and not have had an eye exam in the past 24 months. (Some states have different eligibility requirements.)
Abby, we appreciate your previous support of VISION USA. Please know that mentioning this free program in your column can help many people. -- J. PAT CUMMINGS, O.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN OPTOMETRIC ASSOCIATION
DEAR DR. CUMMINGS: I am pleased to publicize this worthwhile program for my readers. Since VISION USA began in 1991, more than 314,000 individuals have benefited from this free service.
Readers can register by calling toll-free: 800-766-4466, Monday through Friday, 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Central time. Application forms are also available from VISION USA, 243 Lindbergh Blvd., St. Louis, MO 63141, or on the AOA Web site: www.aoa.org/visionusa.
DEAR ABBY: My brother has been seeing this girl for less than a year, but we seem to have become friends. Recently her grandfather passed away. They were not close. My brother called and told me the news matter-of-factly.
I have a strong aversion to funerals and go only if I "have to." I know this sounds cold, but my aversion is strong. Everyone knows this about me.
My brother called me a couple of days after the funeral, yelling at me because I didn't attend. I was waiting to call his girlfriend until after everything settled, because I know how crazy it is when someone in your immediate family passes away.
Could you please explain the proper etiquette in a situation like this? Was I completely wrong in not going? -- K.D. IN CREST HILL, ILL.
DEAR K.D.: Your mistake wasn't in skipping the funeral. It was in not immediately reaching out and offering sympathy to your brother's girlfriend for her loss. Since "everyone" knows you have an aversion to funerals, your brother should not have yelled at you. However, I can understand his being upset that you didn't call, didn't send a card or flowers, or in any other way acknowledge the fact that his girlfriend -- and your new friend -- had lost a loved one. It would have been the proper and considerate thing to do.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)