What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family's Nurturing Love Allows Nephew to Grow Fat and Lazy
DEAR ABBY: I read your column faithfully, and I respect and trust your advice. My concern is for a nephew living with my sister in another state. "Bret" is 19. He lives at home, rarely leaves the house, and spends his days in front of the television or at the computer. His weight currently tops 300 pounds. (He's about 5 foot 10.)
Bret dropped out of school at 16 and eventually earned his G.E.D. He cannot or will not get a job and refuses to go to classes or counseling. His mother, her boyfriend and two brothers are classic enablers. They provide him with everything he needs. They are literally killing him with kindness.
I am very worried about Bret and at a loss as to what I can do, if anything. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- FRUSTRATED ON THE WEST COAST
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You're right; Bret's family is doing him no favor by enabling him.
Your nephew needs a friend. Make an effort to get closer to him, one-on-one. If it's difficult to visit him in person, start talking to him online and invite him to come to visit you. If he accepts, try, without being pushy, to show him some of the possibilities that are available to him outside his home environment and away from the computer. If you know people his age, introduce him. It's a start in the right direction.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student. I have been dating a wonderful man I'll call Cyrus for two years. He is sweet, good to me, and I am deeply in love with him. Cyrus has seizures that prevent him from driving a car or working full time. He lives with his mother and stepfather and receives a monthly disability check from the state.
When I tell people about my relationship with Cyrus, the first thing out of their mouths is, "What does he do for a living?" When I explain the situation, some of them turn up their noses and say, "Well, that doesn't sound like a very good excuse."
Abby, I want to marry Cyrus someday. However, these comments have made me wonder if he is the right person for me. I am not a spoiled or snobbish person who will marry only for money.
Should I ask Cyrus to consider finding a part-time job? Should I tell everyone to mind their own business? What should I do? -- WILLING IN WHEELING, W.VA.
DEAR WILLING: Make it your business to research all the information you can about your boyfriend's condition and how it may impact your future -- emotionally and financially. Love can conquer all; however, it's best to fully understand what to expect before making a lifetime commitment.
DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old. Almost every time I go to the store to buy something, someone bugs me because I'm a kid. A couple of weeks ago I was in a store and a rude lady decided to get in front of me. She pushed me right out of line. After waiting 15 minutes, I left. I went home so mad I couldn't believe it. If it happens again, what should I do? -- A.J.M. IN AUBURN, N.Y.
DEAR A.J.M.: You have two choices. One, you can defer to the rude adult and chalk it up to the person's lack of manners, or two, speak up and in a loud voice proclaim, "Excuse me! I was here in line first." Sometimes asserting oneself can shame the offender into backing off.
People Are Not What They Seem in Internet Chat Rooms
DEAR ABBY: I work in a public library. We do not charge patrons for using our computers or the Internet. People from all walks of life use it regularly. I can't help noticing that some people misrepresent themselves when e-mailing others.
One woman calls herself "Sexy Mama." She corresponds with a number of men. I know for a fact this woman had her children taken away because of physical abuse. She has poor dental hygiene, wears dirty clothes and is far from being a "sexy mama."
Some of the men who correspond with women have social and mental problems. After they've e-mailed a message to one of their "lady friends," they pull out a magazine and look at pornography.
The point I am making is that people can misrepresent themselves in chat rooms and e-mails. You have no means of knowing who you are corresponding with on the other computer.
Abby, please urge your readers not to give personal information to a stranger. Names, addresses and phone numbers should remain private. Anyone can say anything on the Internet. It doesn't make it true. -- CONCERNED LIBRARIAN IN KANSAS
DEAR CONCERNED LIBRARIAN: Thank you for the reminder. While some people have met online and developed relationships that have led to romance and/or marriage, it is important that people take the same precautions when using the Internet that they would when answering a personal ad or meeting an attractive stranger at a club or resort.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16. My parents divorced when I was around 5. My mother married "Nick" four years ago. Nick used to do crack, and stopped just a year ago. He now shoplifts, then returns the things to get money. He considers this to be his "job." My brother, two years older than me, had to go live with my father because my mother feared that he would kill Nick. Nick used to beat up my mother for stupid reasons so she'd give him money. I will never forgive Nick for what he has done.
A few weeks ago, I discovered that he and Mom are doing some kind of drug. Even though Nick has stopped using crack, he still shoplifts and yells at my mom until she gives him money. I really can't say anything, because whenever I make a suggestion, he yells at me and hurts my mom more. I have an urge to kill him. I'd have called the cops by now, but my mom would be sad.
Abby, I've always heard that the way you're raised could rub off on you, and I fear that I might end up like them. I would go live with my dad, but I'm not close to him or my brother. I told my mom the other day that I wish it could just be me and her. She said, "I know." Can you give me some advice for any of this? -- DESPERATE FOR HELP IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DESPERATE: Call your father. It is never too late to develop a relationship, and you need him. Your mother's passive acceptance of this volatile and dangerous situation is affecting you. It's important that you get away from it and into a healthy, loving and nurturing environment.
You were not put on this Earth to keep your mother from being sad. With luck, she may remove herself from the situation before she and her boyfriend are arrested. In the meantime, take care of yourself. You are NOT like them, so don't worry.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom's Ever Present Boyfriend Is Unwelcome Guest to Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My parents are divorced. I'm glad, because all they ever did was fight and put my brother and me in the middle. I am now away at college. Dad has found a terrific girlfriend who I love. The problem is Mom.
Mom has also found someone. His name is Tom, and I can't stand him. She never drank or gambled before she met him. Now they frequent casinos, and she has multiple beers with dinner -- even when she is on medication that specifically warns not to mix with alcohol. The other problem is that Tom is always there when I come home to visit. I want some private time with Mom, but he refuses to respect that. In the 12 days that I was there, Tom ate every meal at our house. He even came along when Mom drove me back to school.
I have tried talking to her. She keeps pushing us together and has invited him to come for the weekend when she visits me at school next month. She has invited Tom to my graduation, even though tickets are limited, and has made plans to invite him to my wedding, which is almost two years away.
Abby, I don't want Tom at any of these special occasions. How can I get her to stop inviting him to things I'd prefer only my family attend? -- HAD IT IN ITHACA, N.Y.
DEAR HAD IT: You may not be able to, particularly if your mother thinks this new man in her life "completes" her in some way. She appears to be an addictive personality -- she's addicted to alcohol, gambling and HIM.
Since your mother refuses to visit you without her boyfriend, face it: Your mother has decided the price you must pay for her company is to tolerate Tom's presence. If that price is too high, limit your time with both of them. But accept the fact that having your mother at your graduation and/or your wedding means you will have to tolerate the person who has become the new center of her life.
DEAR ABBY: Please add this to your "acts of kindness" file.
I moved into a courtyard apartment three years ago. After settling in, I planted two containers of spring flowers and placed them outside my front door. They were colorful, and my neighbors commented how much they enjoyed them. Imagine my surprise and disappointment upon returning home one day to find one of the containers missing.
I was so upset that I placed a sign on the empty spot. It read: "In memory of my beautiful, lovingly tended container of flowers taken from this spot on May 22." Four days later, to my surprise and delight, in its place I found a new container of flowers. Next to it was a sign that read: "We wish we could find who took your flowers. Please enjoy these. From, A Kinder World." I tried for days to find out who left the container, but they never revealed themselves.
Abby, we should all be grateful to people who make our world a kinder place. -- V. IONE MOODY MURCHISON, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR V: Indeed we should. I see the flowers as a metaphor for optimism, and I'm pleased that yours was restored.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)