To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom's Ever Present Boyfriend Is Unwelcome Guest to Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My parents are divorced. I'm glad, because all they ever did was fight and put my brother and me in the middle. I am now away at college. Dad has found a terrific girlfriend who I love. The problem is Mom.
Mom has also found someone. His name is Tom, and I can't stand him. She never drank or gambled before she met him. Now they frequent casinos, and she has multiple beers with dinner -- even when she is on medication that specifically warns not to mix with alcohol. The other problem is that Tom is always there when I come home to visit. I want some private time with Mom, but he refuses to respect that. In the 12 days that I was there, Tom ate every meal at our house. He even came along when Mom drove me back to school.
I have tried talking to her. She keeps pushing us together and has invited him to come for the weekend when she visits me at school next month. She has invited Tom to my graduation, even though tickets are limited, and has made plans to invite him to my wedding, which is almost two years away.
Abby, I don't want Tom at any of these special occasions. How can I get her to stop inviting him to things I'd prefer only my family attend? -- HAD IT IN ITHACA, N.Y.
DEAR HAD IT: You may not be able to, particularly if your mother thinks this new man in her life "completes" her in some way. She appears to be an addictive personality -- she's addicted to alcohol, gambling and HIM.
Since your mother refuses to visit you without her boyfriend, face it: Your mother has decided the price you must pay for her company is to tolerate Tom's presence. If that price is too high, limit your time with both of them. But accept the fact that having your mother at your graduation and/or your wedding means you will have to tolerate the person who has become the new center of her life.
DEAR ABBY: Please add this to your "acts of kindness" file.
I moved into a courtyard apartment three years ago. After settling in, I planted two containers of spring flowers and placed them outside my front door. They were colorful, and my neighbors commented how much they enjoyed them. Imagine my surprise and disappointment upon returning home one day to find one of the containers missing.
I was so upset that I placed a sign on the empty spot. It read: "In memory of my beautiful, lovingly tended container of flowers taken from this spot on May 22." Four days later, to my surprise and delight, in its place I found a new container of flowers. Next to it was a sign that read: "We wish we could find who took your flowers. Please enjoy these. From, A Kinder World." I tried for days to find out who left the container, but they never revealed themselves.
Abby, we should all be grateful to people who make our world a kinder place. -- V. IONE MOODY MURCHISON, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR V: Indeed we should. I see the flowers as a metaphor for optimism, and I'm pleased that yours was restored.
MISTRESS' AFFAIR HAS ENDED AFTER DEATH OF MAN'S WIFE
DEAR ABBY: I was in a seven-year relationship with a wonderful married man I'll call Hank. We were discreet and respectful with his wife. She died three months ago after a lingering illness. A month after that, Hank suggested we date openly and talked as though we were a couple.
Two weeks ago, he canceled our plans at the last minute, saying he had had a "surreal experience" and "what was OK then is not OK now." He would not be more specific. I begged for an explanation and closure. He refused to be more specific and became defensive. We have not spoken since.
Abby, I am still reeling from this because I thought we had a strong friendship and a foundation for something in the future.
Friends have told me that rejection of the mistress after the death of a wife is very common. Can you give me some insight into the emotional dynamics of this situation? -- FORMER MISTRESS IN MOURNING
DEAR FORMER MISTRESS: Yes. It could be delayed guilt -- or his "surreal experience" was with someone else.
DEAR ABBY: I am 52 years old and have been married for 22 years to my second husband. We have four teenage sons. I was widowed at 22 when my first husband was killed in Vietnam. I was pregnant and lost our child when I was told of my husband's death.
I was 30 when I married my second husband. He knows, of course, that I was married before, but for some reason I never felt confortable telling his parents. (My children know.) I think his parents always suspected something, but they've never asked me directly.
My problem is, I am afraid this information will slip someday, and my in-laws will be hurt and angry at me. What do you think I should do? -- WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING
DEAR WANT: This has stayed in the closet for too long. You are acting as though you have a shameful secret. Being the widow of a man who gave his life for his country is nothing to be ashamed of. It should be a point of pride.
Call a family meeting with your in-laws, and with your husband at your side, tell them. They deserve to know the truth, and it will ease your conscience.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has only a few months to live. She's called everyone in the family to explain her situation and to express her last wishes here on Earth. We are grateful she has been granted this time to take care of loose ends and to express her feelings.
Since we are never taught how to deal with death, what do you say to someone you love, who is dying, to make them feel better about themselves?
My conversations with her feel awkward and forced. I feel tongue-tied and at a loss for words. I think about her daily and want to call her, but what can I say? -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS
DEAR AT A LOSS: Talk about the good times. Let her know she has made a difference. Point out the positive achievements of her life, all the people who know and love her, her personal and business successes, and what her presence has meant to the people whose lives she has touched and always will. It's OK to cry. Tears are healing, and it will be therapeutic for both of you.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Pastor Is the Ultimate Source of Damaging Church Gossip
DEAR ABBY: "Mystified in the Midwest" wrote that her pastor's wife has a big mouth and confides things about people who see her husband for counseling.
You advised that the wife be told that her gossip could end her husband's career -- and that if it continues the pastor should be told.
Abby, you failed to address the person who bears the primary responsibility for the breach of confidentiality in pastoral counseling, the pastor. He should not discuss the contents of his counseling sessions with anyone in the congregation, including his wife.
He might, under some circumstances, appropriately discuss this content with a colleague for purposes of supervision or consultation. In such cases, however, he can take steps to protect the privacy of the counselee.
Instead of confronting the pastor's wife, "Mystified" should confront the person ultimately responsible for the leaks -- the pastor! If his behavior does not change, the writer should discuss the matter with whomever bears responsibility for overseeing the pastor's ministry. -- THE REV. KATHERINE F. LONG, FIRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH, GRAPEVINE, TEXAS
DEAR REVEREND LONG: You're right. Doctors, psychotherapists, physicians, social workers, lawyers and members of the clergy all have a professional responsibility to protect their patients', clients' and parishioners' confidentiality. (The exception to this is if the person is suicidal or a danger to himself or others.)
DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, at our pastor's urging, we were to confess our sins during a church service to our designated prayer partner. My sin, I confessed, was that I was having "out-of-wedlock sex." (I was a 40-year-old divorcee at the time.)
My prayer partner quickly told her husband, who told the pastor, who told his wife. The latter two paid me a visit and I was put out of the church. The emotional trauma of this action was devastating.
"Mystified's" pastor had no right to disclose what he was told to his gossiping wife, just as my prayer partner had no right to blab my sin to her husband. The church I attended dissolved. -- STILL HURTING IN HOLLIDAYSBURG, PA.
DEAR STILL HURTING: I don't blame you for feeling traumatized. Your confidence was violated, and then you were publicly shamed. I'm not surprised that the church eventually dissolved. By the time they were finished evicting "sinners," there was no one left to attend.
DEAR ABBY: One quick question: What are the telltale signs of a cheating spouse? -- SUSPICIOUS TEXAN
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: A few to ponder:
1. Secretiveness.
2. A sudden change in manner of dress and grooming.
3. Unexplained absences.
4. Less affectionate.
5. Unfamiliar charges on credit card bills.
6. Strange phone numbers on phone bill.
7. Hang-ups on your home phone.
8. More business trips than usual.
While one or two of these could be innocent, if there are four or more -- look out! Readers, care to add any?
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)