Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandpa Finds Little to Love in Teenager's Hateful Attitude
DEAR ABBY: My wife died two years ago. Since then, I have had health problems that make it difficult to live alone.
I tried an assisted-living complex, but when I added up the expenses, my son suggested I move in with them. I thought it was a good idea because I would rather give them the money.
The problem is my 15-year-old granddaughter, "Vanessa." My son and his wife are intelligent people, and I don't understand how they have raised this selfish, inconsiderate, insolent, demanding brat. Vanessa thinks the world revolves around her. If she doesn't get her way, she yells, screams, and says terrible things to her parents -- and they take it! I want to get up and slap her. Even though she is my granddaughter, I find it difficult to like her.
Abby, there are no rules, no discipline, no punishment, no guidelines whatsoever in their home. I can't take her behavior any longer. I want to move out at the end of the month. What do you think? -- HAD IT IN DENVER
DEAR HAD IT: Please don't blame your granddaughter for this situation. In a household where there are no rules, no discipline, no consequences and no guidelines, her attitude and behavior are logical.
It is possible that a better living arrangement for you might be to share a home or apartment with someone closer to you in age. Your local area agency on aging may be able to steer you in the right direction. However, before you make any hard and fast decisions about changing your address, I urge you to have a frank talk with your son and daughter-in-law about the reasons you're making the move.
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for more years than I can remember, and have always wanted to read the very first letter that appeared in your column. Would you print it again? -- AIMEE IN MACEDON, N.Y.
DEAR AIMEE: With pleasure! The letter appeared 46 years ago today, on Jan. 9, 1956. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to a paper for advice before, but need help desperately and cannot talk to my family or friends about my problem. I am a private secretary to a well-known executive in the Bay area. I have been employed by him for five years. You may think this sounds cheap, but we are deeply in love. His wife speaks to him only when she wants money and he has no respect or affection for her.
He has told me repeatedly that I am the woman he loves, but we can't consider marriage because it would ruin him financially and socially. In addition to an excellent salary, he has given me an automobile, a fur coat, and he pays my rent. When he takes business trips, I always go along. I am not getting any younger, yet I feel one day he will make me his wife. What do you think? -- CONFIDENT
DEAR CONFIDENT: I think your boss is a super salesman! He did a terrific job when he convinced an intelligent girl like you to give up a decent, respectable life of her own to be available when he whistles. Of course he won't marry you. Why should he? He is getting the whole show for the price of the amusement tax.
Reader Warns of Judgment in Anti Smoking Campaign
DEAR ABBY: I was intrigued by the letter from the spry 81-year-old woman with one equally healthy sister, at 90, and one sister with lung disease due to smoking. Her daughters -- both nurses -- want to make posters for all the junior and senior high schools, with pictures of the two "good" sisters climbing mountains or parasailing, and the "bad" sister in her wheelchair, complete with oxygen tank. They think it would be a great visual aid for their anti-smoking campaign.
Why stop there? Why not gather up the pathetic creature in her wheelchair and drag her and her oxygen tank around the junior and senior high schools in person? Her sisters could do cartwheels while she was being exhibited. Maybe they could also provide stones to throw at the evil one.
I've seen letters in your column suggesting that when someone dies of lung disease, the obituary should make that known, and should mention that the dear departed was a smoker (preferably "heavy smoker"). Yet so far I haven't noticed any calls for obituaries noting that "Jane died of a heart attack. She was obese because she ate everything that didn't bite back." Or, "Henry died of liver disease because he drank like a fish." There's no end to the pleasure we could take in looking down our noses at those people who are not as virtuous as we are.
My mother died of emphysema. I wish she had lived longer, but I thank God for letting me have the kind of mother she was. She was kind, compassionate, and never judged anyone harshly, except for people who hurt others. She was the opposite of your smug, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou anti-smoking zealot and her sisters.
To me, anti-smoking fanatics are among the most self-righteous, contemptible, vicious people infesting the world today. -- FED UP WITH COLD-HEARTED HYPOCRITES
DEAR FED UP: I'm sorry the letter hurt or offended you. Frankly, I thought her idea was terrific -- and so did many of my readers:
DEAR ABBY: I have been a nurse for 28 years. I have never seen a more painful, suffering death than one caused by smoking. Pain meds cannot relieve the fact that the very act of breathing has been robbed from them. They slowly suffocate to death. They and their loved ones plead for us, the medical profession, to turn the oxygen higher. Their eyes plead with you. I cry with them, and again where they can't see me. I hold them, love them, but the real answer is and will always be "STOP SMOKING!"
I say, "Go, girls, go!" Thank you wonderful ladies for wanting to contribute to society in your golden years. You are remarkable. Please, don't waste a minute getting that advertisement made. Post it everywhere -- including billboards and TV. -- P.K., CHANTILLY, VA.
DEAR P.K.: Amen! I, too, hope they follow through. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The concept of a poster of the three sisters with the caption, "Guess Which Sister Smoked for 40 Years" is terrific. I work as a volunteer for the American Cancer Society on the Tobacco Control Committee at both the state and local levels. I'd love to access those pictures and see if they could be produced for use in schools. It would be terrific to have authentic people on the poster.
Thank you for your help and awareness of the longest running public health promotion in the United States -- the Great American Smokeout. -- CAROL M. ALLEN, AMARILLO, TEXAS
DEAR CAROL: Having lost three beloved relatives to cancer because of smoking, I'm pleased to speak out about the danger. Smokers: "Ask not for whom the bell tolls -- it tolls for thee."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Seeks Modest Suggestion for Covering Her Sister in Law
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "John," and I are in our mid-20s. We have been married for over a year. During this time his younger sister, "Caitlin," has made numerous trips to visit us. She is charming, thoughtful and wholesome, and I look forward to her visits. Not only are Caitlin and John very close, but I consider her to be my best friend. Although I enjoy her company, there is one thing about her visits I'm not crazy about.
John and I live in a one-bedroom apartment, and she has only the den couch to sleep on. While this provides her no privacy, she still prefers sleeping in the buff. When she undresses for bed, it makes no difference if John is present or not. When she wakes up in the morning, she'll stroll into the kitchen "as is" for coffee while on her way to take a shower. If John and I are in the kitchen, too, she's not shy about standing around in her birthday suit, chit-chatting with us as she sips her coffee. I've always maintained a casual attitude about this, but actually, I would prefer not to see her walking around in the nude.
I realize that females are not required to cover themselves around males in their own family. I wasn't that modest around my brother, either. But now that I'm married to Caitlin's brother, is it still acceptable? I'm very uncomfortable. -- SENSITIVE SISTER-IN-LAW
DEAR "SIS": If you and your sister-in-law are so close that you consider her your best friend, level with her about the fact that her nudity is making you uncomfortable. On her next visit, have a nice terry-cloth bathrobe waiting for her in the den. If she forgets to use it on her way through the kitchen to her morning shower, throw her a couple of oven mitts. I'll bet she gets the hint.
DEAR ABBY: Hi. I'm writing about the relationship between my dad and me. I'm 13 and my parents are divorced. They are now married to different people.
My dad forgot all about me for the first five years of my life. I finally got in touch with him and visited him for a few weekends, but now he doesn't answer my phone calls. He won't talk to me because he lost his job and owes almost $1,000 in child support. I think he's afraid to answer my calls because he thinks we're going to cuss at him about the child support, when all I really want to do is talk to him.
I've tried writing to him, but he doesn't write back. What can I do besides calling him or writing him? Please give me your advice. -- LONESOME TEEN IN RIVERSIDE, MO.
P.S. My stepdad hates me. I'm not comfortable with him.
DEAR LONELY TEEN: Sometimes people become parents before they're completely grown up themselves. Try to be patient with your father. Having lost his job and fallen behind in his child support, he may consider himself a failure and be ashamed to face you.
Write him one more note and say: "Dad, I need you to be part of my life. Just hearing from you is more important than money. I love you." Then cross your fingers. If you don't hear from him, the fault is his -- and it's no reflection on you.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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