Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: I am a recent high school graduate. I have received several national commendations and graduated at the top of my class.
So why is it that because I work with my parents in an "ethnic" restaurant, patrons assume I have no command of the English language and am slow-witted?
Please print this letter in the hope that people will realize that behind my face -- white, black, yellow, brown, etc. -- there is a mind and a heart that is hurt when people don't bother to appreciate the diversity of the human race. -- STAMP OUT STEREOTYPING, NEW YORK CITY
DEAR S.O.S.: The patrons probably do not intend to be hurtful or disrespectful. They are behind the times. A generation ago, workers in ethnic restaurants were often newcomers to this country and just learning the English language. Today, however, restaurant workers are more likely to be second- or third-generation citizens.
I'm printing your letter to remind readers who are guilty of stereotyping "foreigners" that many of the workers are well-educated sons and daughters of the business owners, and doing this work by choice, not because they are unqualified for other employment. Looking down one's nose at someone who appears "different" is shortsighted and just plain wrong.
DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law -- she's 41 -- have an adorable 3-year-old, and they really want another child. In the last three years, she has had three miscarriages.
We will be visiting them in September, and I don't want to be a meddling mother-in-law, but I believe they need to relax and enjoy the little one they have and stop "hoping for more." I especially worry because of her age. How and what can I say to encourage them to accept with joy the fact that they'll probably have only one child? -- CONCERNED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONCERNED: In the interest of family harmony and their feelings, avoid the subject. No input from you can lessen your son and daughter-in-law's pain and disappointment at being unable to have another child. You are pushing for a conclusion they will have to reach by themselves in their own time.
DEAR ABBY: I am a pretty 29-year-old woman living in a conservative area in Canada. I have always been comfortable with my statuesque body. My boyfriend loves that I dress flatteringly -- or even downright provocatively!
My question is about the "do's and don'ts" of thong bikinis. We have lovely beaches here. Bikinis are common, but I have yet to see another woman wear a thong bikini. I enjoy wearing them, but I'm wondering if it's a breach of etiquette to wear one around families or children. Thong bikinis on older, out-of-shape men (eew!) are common. Abby, if it's good for the gander, what about the goose? -- TOO SEXY FOR YOUR KIDS?
DEAR TOO SEXY: Let's leave the geese out of it and concentrate on people. When in doubt, cover up. Getting arrested for indecent exposure would be a real "bummer."
dear
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Man Finds Love in the Air but Loses It After Landing
DEAR ABBY: No live-in mother-in-law, no boom-box neighbors; nevertheless, I've got a problem.
I was flying home from a European vacation recently, when I realized fate had plunked down beside me the answer to my prayers. A graduate of Brown, "Janis" had been working in an olive grove in Italy. She was everything: pretty, demure, Irish, intelligent, svelte, "with it." All that and a great sense of humor as well. We talked, we laughed, and during the movie our arms accidentally touched more than chance would dictate. We were falling in love at 37,000 feet as clouds raced past beneath us.
Too soon, the image on the screen told us we were nearing New York's Kennedy Airport and the end of our "summer romance." As we unloaded the overhead bins, Janis said, "I guess we won't be seeing each other again -- unless it's at the baggage carousel?" A definite opening. She looked stunned when I replied, "Have a nice life, Janis."
Abby, how could I have said such a stupid thing? What possessed me after God had gone to all that trouble setting up the right day, the right flight, the right seat, next to the right woman? I rationalize that maybe it was the geography. She in Seattle; I in L.A. More likely it was fear of rejection.
Balzac wrote something like: "No lady, no matter how chaste, is ever really offended by an overture of love." I keep forgetting that at crucial moments. And unlike streetcars, another Janis won't come along in 20 minutes.
It would be interesting to know, Abby, how many of your readers have lost a love, a "happily ever after," because they were too shy, too governed by propriety, to reveal what was in their hearts. Probably thousands. When you think about it, what's to lose? Really nothing compared with what's to gain. -- STILL KICKING MYSELF IN FRAZIER PARK, CALIF.
DEAR STILL KICKING: Please stop kicking yourself. It has happened to everybody. I'm sure many of my readers will agree.
P.S. If your airplane angel sees this letter and writes to me, I'll see what I can do.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are planning to have a child. We've been told we're an attractive couple, and my husband often mentions what a "good-looking" child we will have. He also discusses the "cute pug nose" that runs on his side of the family.
When I was a teen-ager I had nasal surgery to correct a deviated septum and shorten a rather prominent nose. I've never told my husband about my surgery.
Abby, do you think I should tell him our child may inherit a large, bumped and/or crooked nose -- or take my chances and see what "physical characteristics" our son or daughter inherits? -- LOSING BY A NOSE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR LOSING: I see no reason to rush into a true confession session about what a child who hasn't even been conceived "might" look like. From my perspective, each successive generation of children is becoming more beautiful. There's a strong possibility that your children will inherit their father's nose. So hold your tongue, as well as a good thought. You can always bring up the subject if the need arises.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Supervisor's Unpleasant Odor Has Her Employee in a Funk
DEAR ABBY: I work for a small corporation. I report to two people –- a husband and wife. The wife is my supervisor; however, I am an administrative assistant to her husband as well.
The wife is extremely intelligent and I stand to learn a great deal from her, but she has the worst body odor I have ever encountered. Not only does the entire office smell of her, but when she gets close, I'm afraid I will be ill from the stench. I don't know how to handle this.
With the hot weather here, the problem has worsened. The only good thing that has come out of it is that I have lost my appetite when she's around and am losing quite a bit of weight.
I would appreciate your advice. If the problem isn't solved soon, I'll be forced to find another job. -– OVERCOME IN GARDENA, CALIF.
DEAR OVERCOME: You would be doing your supervisor a great favor to tell her what you have told me. She needs to have a complete physical examination to determine the cause of the problem. (I am assuming that the woman bathes or showers daily and wears clean clothes.)
Since you cannot go on the way things are, you have nothing to lose by speaking up, as long as you do it in a kindly manner.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 80s, and in fairly good health. I still drive a car, do my own cooking, baking, vacuuming, etc.
My wife has been in a nursing home for more than four years with Alzheimer's. She is well cared for. They feed her, dress and bathe her, and do everything necessary to keep her comfortable. I visit her twice a day.
When I meet people, or they call me on the telephone, the first thing they ask me is, "How is your wife doing?" I appreciate their concern about her, but nobody ever asks, "How are you doing?" "How are you getting along?"
I'm not looking for sympathy, Abby, but on the other hand, sometimes I could use a kind word or an invitation. – LONESOME IN SEAL BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR LONESOME: Yours is a common problem and you have my sympathy regardless. People do not mean to be insensitive, they simply haven't experienced what you're going through and don't understand how emotionally isolated you are.
The Alzheimer's Association gives referrals to family support groups nationwide. The toll-free phone number is 1-800-272-3900. Please don't wait to call them. Trust me; you'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: Is there a kind way to direct houseguests to the main bathroom? For some reason, some of our guests –- even after repeated requests to do otherwise -– will use only the small private bathroom located off our bedroom.
These are well-meaning people (I think) who don't want to "mess up" the main bathroom, but we want our privacy! That's our private turf. We have even had some of them go through our closed bedroom door!
Is there any way other than not inviting these people over to get them to stay out of our private bathroom? Please don't reveal my name, city or state. We don't want to lose friends. We ... JUST WANT OUR PRIVACY
DEAR JUST: Yes. Keep the door to any room that is off limits locked. If anyone questions you about it, tell that person exactly what you told me. (With a smile, of course.)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)