What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dying Man's Lesson of Love Changes Friend's Priorities
DEAR ABBY: I recently went to visit a Marine from our reserve unit. He is receiving radiation treatments for an inoperable brain tumor. My objective was to comfort him.
I stood by his bed for 30 minutes. He squeezed my hand repeatedly to let me know he was still strong in will and determined to fight through anything as a true Marine. Then his wife came in. She gently rubbed his other arm and asked him if he needed anything. He looked her in the face, mustered his energy, and with a shine in his eyes replied, "You are all I will ever need."
At that moment, the comment appeared to be a nice retort. Five minutes later, it hit me between the eyes. Tears welled up inside me as I realized it had been far more than just an exchange of words -- it had been an exchange of love.
Here was a man suffering great pain from a tumor that had taken control of his body. He could have asked for more medication or to be fed or comforted. He could have asked for something to quench his thirst. But the only thing that made him feel good was something he had even before the tumor took control -- the devotion of a loving woman who now stood unselfishly by his side. She had been there through every day of their marriage, and her love did not fade in his hour of tragic illness.
Master Gunnery Sgt. Michael Bussiere became my "professor of life experience." Little did I realize when I went to visit him that he would teach me a lesson that would impact my life. However, without intending to, he challenged me to reorganize my priorities and forever change the way I look at the woman I wake up with daily. My task now is to not lose sight of the love he and his wife shared, and to never take for granted the love between my wife and me.
Thank you, Michael. -- MAJ. BRIAN SMALLWOOD, USMC
DEAR MAJ. SMALLWOOD AND DEAR READERS: Master Gunnery Sgt. Michael Bussiere passed away before this letter could be published. I extend my deepest sympathy to his family and to you at this sad time. The most precious gift we leave behind are the lessons we teach and the examples we set for others. Because of that, no matter how short the span, no life is wasted.
DEAR ABBY: Your column requesting that readers donate old cell phones to victims of domestic violence will undoubtedly provide them with easier access to 9-1-1. However, of great concern to the National Emergency Number Association (NENA) is the fact that cell phones are of limited use in certain emergencies. Please share the following lifesaving information with your readers:
(1) Users must allow a few extra seconds for an answer when dialing 9-1-1.
(2) The caller must give the operator the street address or other information that will allow the center to deploy a team to the site.
(3) Emergency response centers do not have the technology to determine the caller's location or cell phone number. Therefore, the caller must describe the emergency and provide the cell phone number, in case a callback is necessary.
NENA views any effort to help victims of crime and domestic violence as a noble and worthwhile cause. Thank you, Abby, for doing your part to get the word out about the limitations of cell phones. -- W. MARK ADAMS, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NENA
DEAR MARK: Thank you for the warning. While cell phones can be lifesavers during certain emergencies, they have their drawbacks when compared with "land lines."
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Family Historian Wrestles With Skeleton in the Closet
DEAR ABBY: I am a genealogist who is working with my mother on a family history, and we're not sure how to handle a situation that has come up.
A relative, "Mary," had a child, "Jane," out of wedlock. Mary's parents raised Jane as their own, so everyone in the family refers to Jane as Mary's sister, rather than her daughter. My mother knows the truth -- as do other relatives -- but no one acknowledges this publicly. Mom thinks we should put the truth about Jane in our family history. However, I'm afraid if we do, it will upset my grandmother.
As a historian, I think we should print the facts. However, there has already been a great deal of feuding in that part of our family, so I hate to add fuel to the fire.
What's the best way to handle this? -- SKELETON IN THE CLOSET
DEAR SKELETON: The most skillful diplomat in your family should approach your grandmother tactfully and assess her feelings. If she would be hurt or embarrassed by the revelation, perhaps those facts should be kept "private" for another generation. Announcements of this kind can be bombshells with reverberations that echo through the entire family. While it is important to have an accurate family tree, and people are more open-minded today than they were a generation ago, there is no reason to make public at this time a revelation that could further fracture your family.
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the "Pennies From Heaven" letters and thought you might be interested in another one.
Back in the late 1800s, my father was visiting his grandfather who lived in a house that was built rather high off the ground, as houses were back then. My father was playing under the house and found a penny. He was so excited that he ran in the house hollering, "Grand-daddy! Grand-daddy, I found a penny!" His grandfather took the penny, rubbed it on his pant leg, looked at it real close and said, "Lord, son, pennies make dollars," then put the penny in his own pocket. My father said, "I never did like that old man after that." -- JACK V. LYBRAND, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR JACK: While I agree with your great-grandfather that pennies add up to dollars, that's no excuse for stealing from a child. I don't blame your father for feeling as he did.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter from a World War II vet who wrote that cigarettes were so cheap in the service, he couldn't afford not to smoke, I say, "Ha!"
I was in Korea as a Marine and never smoked -- no matter how many others were smoking around me. I knew back then it was a filthy habit, thanks to my sixth-grade teacher in Minneapolis, who taught me the definition of a cigarette:
"A little bit of tobacco, rolled up in a little bit of paper, with a little fire at one end and a little fool at the other."
Abby, that little lesson has served me well all my life. -- DICK BAKKEN, SAN DIEGO
DEAR DICK: Your sixth-grade teacher was an exceptionally wise educator. It is possible that the lesson you and your classmates were taught is the reason you are alive today to write this letter.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Paper Trail of Names Could Lead to Husband's Cheating
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years. I recently found slips of paper with women's names and telephone numbers among receipts my husband asked me to file. When I asked him who these women were, he claims he doesn't know and I should shut up.
He frequently leaves the house two to four hours at a time. Also, money is missing from our joint bank account.
Abby, he swears he is not cheating. Is he? -- WANTING TO KNOW THE TRUTH IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR WANTING: Only he can answer that. Whether or not the problem is another woman, something is up, and he's certainly not leveling with you. Offer him the option of talking things out with a marriage counselor. If he refuses, talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself before any more assets disappear from your joint account.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "No Name, No Address, No Phone," the 15-year-old living in an abusive home with her dad and stepmother, hit me hard. I could have written that same letter verbatim 20 years ago when I was 15.
My mother, too, gave my father custody of my younger brother and sister and me. Our dad had also remarried. We lived with him and our stepmother. She was fixated on our behavior with regard to household chores, meals and neatness.
Unfortunately, our father thought we were lying when we described the beatings, severe punishments and emotional abuse that increased over the years -- usually when he was absent. Our stepmother was a "yeller." Dad always took her directions and advice. We kids were too scared out of our wits to talk in detail to our natural mother or other relatives, who suspected what was going on but never took action.
It has taken years of therapy to recover from what happened to us. I had to forgive myself for being unable to protect my brother and sister, but I finally became the "fighter" in the house on a long crusade to get my father to wake up. At last he did -- but not until serious damage had been done.
Please urge "No Name" to start talking and KEEP TALKING until someone listens! Her mother and grandmother also have a responsibility to step in without hesitation. They must be asked to act on behalf of her, her brother and sister. She should be specific about what is going on at home, even if she's scared to "tell." She was very brave to write that letter, and that's exactly the kind of courage it takes to get through stuff like this. -- ONCE A "NO-NAME" TOO
DEAR ONCE A NO-NAME: Well said.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have never attended an opera, but we have always wanted to. We finally made plans to attend one this fall, but have no idea what would be considered proper attire.
We will be going to the Portland Opera Theater in Portland, Ore. Should I wear a long sequined gown, while my husband wears a tuxedo? We are clueless and don't want to look silly or out of place. -- OPERA LOVERS
DEAR OPERA LOVERS: Play it safe. Wear a conservative street-length suit or dress. Your husband should wear a suit rather than a tuxedo. While you're there, observe what other patrons are wearing, so you'll know for next time how formally Portland patrons dress for the opera. Enjoy!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is includedin the price.)