Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Wife Who Was Clinging Vine Has Grown to Rely on Herself
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Buddy" for 20 years. During the past seven years, we went through some big problems. I used to plead with him to pay more attention to me, but he never felt I was important enough. It's taken me years, but I have finally learned to live my life to the fullest without him.
Well, now all of a sudden Buddy has noticed that I am no longer "crying and clinging" to him. And get this: NOW he wants to be the perfect husband!
Abby, I grew so accustomed to being without Buddy that now I don't know what I want. I still love him, but I don't know if I want to remain in this marriage. The tables have turned, and I feel suffocated by all his sudden attention -- which I used to long for. I don't know what to make of all this. Can you please tell me what you think? -- WIFE WHO CHANGED HER LIFE
DEAR WIFE: Whatever was distracting your husband has come to an end. During his emotional absence you wisely developed other resources.
You and Buddy could benefit from marriage counseling. It will get you both back on the same track -- if that's what you both really want.
DEAR ABBY: I recently began experiencing anxiety attacks. They started so unexpectedly, I didn't realize what was happening to me. I would sweat profusely, become nauseated, and my legs would feel weak and shaky. I went to my family doctor and was checked out, but he found nothing physically wrong.
My health insurance provider gave me the phone number for a mental health hotline. I called and was immediately put in touch with a counselor. I have been seeing the counselor for three weeks, and my attacks are noticeably less severe.
Abby, please advise your readers who suffer from this that they are not alone. There is help out there. Nobody should feel embarrassed about asking for it. Seeing my life through someone else's eyes has made me understand how difficult and stressful this past year has been without my realizing it. -- ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR ON THE ROAD: I have always considered psychotherapy to be attending the "University of You." The course may be challenging, but it's always informative, and almost everyone can benefit from it.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and do not get along well with my mother, mostly because we are so much alike. My problem may seem childish and immature, but my mother goes through EVERYTHING of mine. She routinely goes through my dresser and desk drawers, my backpack and my purse. She gets angry if she finds a journal entry or note to a friend containing a remark about her.
I say she shouldn't be searching through my personal things in the first place. Am I unreasonable to ask for a little privacy? Has she crossed the line, or am I just being overly sensitive? -- NO PRIVACY IN PLANO, TEXAS
DEAR NO PRIVACY: Everyone is entitled to some privacy -- even teen-agers. However, until you reach legal age, your parents are responsible for your health, education and growth. Whether or not your mother has "crossed the line" depends upon the other aspects of your relationship with her. She may go through your things because you don't communicate with her. If you are secretive about what's going on in your life, of course she will pry.
Be smart and earn your privacy the easy way, by volunteering information, being absolutely honest, talking about your friends, your dates, where you're going and when you expect to be home. Try it -- it works.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lost Wedding Ring Is Missing Link in Couple's Reconciliation
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 10 years. We have three beautiful children under the age of 8.
Two years ago, "Curt" lost his wedding ring. One year ago, he had an affair with a co-worker. Curt realized the affair was a mistake and decided to come back. I was willing, but asked that he get a new wedding ring to show his recommitment to our marriage.
It has now been 10 months since his return, but he still has not gotten a new ring. I even asked him to get one for himself as my Christmas present -- and still no ring.
Abby, I don't feel I can trust him. He says I am "blowing this out of proportion," and that he is committed. In counseling he brushes it off as, "I know ... I know ..."
I love Curt very much, but wonder if I should be with someone who not only hurt me but shrugs off my one request for closure and healing.
Am I making a big deal out of nothing, Abby? What do you think? -- HURT AND UNSURE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HURT AND UNSURE: I don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing. I'm pleased the two of you are in counseling together, because that's where you need to be. Although you have reconciled, for some reason your hubby hasn't fully recommitted himself to the marriage. During your next session, ask him what a wedding ring symbolizes to him, and why he's stalling. Then be very quiet and listen.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in the eighth grade. I saw an interesting article in the newspaper this morning about bullying and how to stop it. All I could do was laugh. Those adults think they know how to stop it and what it's like, but quite frankly, they don't.
I know from experience how it feels to be harassed. I'm not exactly what you'd call skinny (I'm sort of muscular), and I wear baggy clothes. I am called "butch," "Sheeva" (a Mortal Combat character who is very muscular) and "Incredible Hulk." I am the target of a lot of hate, and it hurts badly.
I am writing because the newspaper article gave "tips" on how to stop the bullying. I don't know a single kid my age who would use any of them. They suggested saying, "You're trying awfully hard to upset me. When you do this you feel good. You feel powerful." Nobody I know would ever say something like that.
Sometimes ignoring the bully works, but it can also lead to fights. You could get right up into the bully's face. More fighting. No matter what you do, you can't stop it. It's usually the bully's home life that causes it. People say it's because of low self-esteem, but that's not usually the reason kids bully here in Delaware. They do it because they think it's FUNNY.
Abby, please print this so other kids who are being victimized by bullies will remember that they are beautiful -- maybe not to the bullies, but in their own way. -- BULLIED IN DELAWARE
DEAR BULLIED: Thank you for your honest letter. I am sorry you have been victimized by schoolyard bullies.
Bullying is not funny. There should be zero tolerance for this type of behavior by students, teachers and administrators. Bullying is destructive. Systematic harassment can lead to violence, as evidenced by the shooting sprees of students who were isolated and bullied to intolerable levels. More must be done to eradicate this abuse so that all students can pursue their education in a safe environment.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am almost 14 and live in a foster home. Before I entered foster care, I didn't think much about other kids and teens in foster homes. Now that I'm the one with the title "foster kid," I see everything in a new light. Although foster homes are a blessing to most kids who live troubled lives, it's still very hard to endure. If there is one thing I hate about being a foster child, it is feeling different from others in my new neighborhood and school.
My message to your readers is: If there's a foster child you know, please reach out to him or her. We're not different from the rest of you.
Thank you for your time, Abby. Please share this with your readers. -- NAMELESS IN OREGON
DEAR NAMELESS: I'm pleased to spread your message. If people are hesitant to reach out to foster children, it may be because they are confused about why the children are in foster care.
Children are placed in foster care not because they have done anything wrong, but because, for whatever reason, their parents have neglected them or cannot provide a safe, nurturing environment for them. It is not the fault of the children. Foster children deserve all the attention, affection and encouragement you can give them. It will be returned a thousandfold.
DEAR ABBY: In response to your recent column about women involved with men who have narcissistic personalities, I thought it might be helpful if your readers could read a description of those personality characteristics. They are listed in the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" published by the American Psychiatric Association. -- BARBARA NESTINGEN, M.S., M.S.W., MILWAUKEE
DEAR BARBARA: I agree that a description of those traits might be helpful. I found them interesting. Read on:
CRITERIA FOR NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1) A grandiose sense of self-importance -- exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
2) Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
3) Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
4) Requires excessive admiration.
5) A sense of entitlement -- unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6) Interpersonally exploitative -- takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7) Lacks empathy -- is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8) Often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)