Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Ex Husband's Taste in Women Tests First Wife's Tolerance
DEAR ABBY: I have lived in this town for 40 years. My ex-husband and I divorced 34 years ago. Our children are adults, and we have four grandchildren, ranging in age from 4 to 10. I have many friends, but there are two women in this town I cannot tolerate. One has been my ex-husband's wife for 25 years. They are now being divorced. Wouldn't you know -- his current "main squeeze" is the other woman I can't stand.
When his second marriage ended, the entire family breathed a sigh of relief. I am almost 70 now, and all of us had hoped we could enjoy future family events without the stress of having someone around I disliked. (The family gets together every other month or so, and both my ex and I are invited.)
My ex now wants his girlfriend included in these family celebrations. I told him in no uncertain terms that I have purposely avoided this woman for many years. I do not want to associate with her simply because he is now involved with her. My children love their father and me, and are now caught in the middle.
Abby, do you think I am being unreasonable? -- MIMI IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR MIMI: Don't make your family choose between you and your ex-husband. You cannot control whom your family invites. You CAN control how many times a year you want to be around someone you dislike.
Perhaps you have misjudged this woman. I hope you can look beyond her faults for the sake of family unity.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in reference to the one from the pilot ("Joey Jet") who was afraid of roller coasters. You were right when you said his fear stemmed from the fact that he wasn't in control when he was on an amusement park ride.
It has been decades, but I still remember a ride at an amusement park where my boyfriend and I shared a seat and one of us could direct our "airplane flight" with a knob. When he directed us, everything was fine. As soon as I took the knob, he got sick and had to take the controls from me. As long as he was in control, he was fine.
As it turned out, he became a bomber pilot in World War II and flew 35 missions out of England over Germany. -- AUDREY IN PORT RICHEY, FLA.
DEAR AUDREY: That's interesting. If the number of letters I have received from pilots is any indication, "Joey Jet" is far from alone in suffering from the problem. Read on for an eye-opener:
DEAR ABBY: I have been both a pilot and an airport traffic controller, and have logged millions of passenger miles. I share the same problem as "Joey Jet." I have acrophobia -- a fear of heights. While I have no fear of flying, I cannot tolerate high amusement park rides like roller coasters.
I agree with you that lack of control plays a part, but it's also the fact that rides, tall buildings and canyon ledges are VISIBLY CONNECTED to the ground. When you're flying high in the sky, only your flight instruments measure altitude and speed.
Nothing compares to that exhilarating sensation of "loosing the bonds of Earth" on takeoff. -- UP AND AWAY GRANDMA IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UP AND AWAY: Thank you for the expert input, but I disagree. For me, nothing compares to the relief I feel coasting to the terminal after a safe landing.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Lessons of Etiquette Should Be Elementary for All Kids
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Perplexed in Virginia," about the snubbing her first-grade son received from classmates throwing birthday parties, resonated with me, as I'm sure it did with many other parents.
My 7-year-old granddaughter has recently been hurt twice when girls in her class invited her for their parties, but did not invite her to stay for the sleep-over afterward. Boasting on the part of the girls who got to stay made it even sadder for the few who had to leave when the actual party was over.
Abby, perhaps you should open the door for letters about other birthday abuses -- like reacting negatively after opening a gift. Perhaps some young parents never learned to be sensitive, and you could launch a crusade to spare the feelings of youngsters. -- SADDENED GRANNY
DEAR GRANNY: I'm pleased to oblige. Children cannot learn what they haven't been taught -- and there's no better way to raise awareness than reading first-person accounts of painful experience. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have children in a small private school. Some of the students always invite the entire class to their birthday parties. My children do not. I want my children to be empathetic and respectful, but I also want them to grow up learning appropriate limits and boundaries. We invite one child for every year of age -- at a fifth birthday party: five guests.
I offer my do's and don'ts for children's birthday parties:
(1) Don't hand out invitations at school unless you plan to invite the entire class. Mail them instead.
(2) Don't schedule the party immediately after school. The partygoers should not arrive at the party en masse off the school bus.
(3) Don't discuss the party on the playground or in the lunchroom or classroom. If one of your guests mentions the party, simply say you're glad he or she can come. School is not the place to go into party details.
(4) Do ask your child to consider the mix of his or her guests. Are there two children on the list who don't get along? Is there a guest from the neighborhood who will feel out of place not knowing the guests from the school? Does every guest know at least one other guest -- someone besides your child?
Etiquette isn't meant to entangle us, but to provide guidelines. I hope my children won't doggedly adhere to strict rules of etiquette, but embrace a hospitality that considers the needs of others. Forcing the unrealistic expectation that we will be friends with everyone diminishes the child's ability to make wise choices and create healthy boundaries.
Our children do not have to be friends with every child in their classroom. But our children do have to be respectful of all. -- MINNEAPOLIS MOM
DEAR MOM: I agree that the feelings of others must be respected, and you're never too young to learn that lesson. Limiting the size of birthday parties for your child makes sense. The problems arise when almost an entire class is invited to the party and just a few are excluded. Not every child is popular. However, that reality should not be magnified by his or her obvious exclusion. Make no mistake about it, those painful traumas last a lifetime.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Relives Son's Tragedy to Save Other Kids From It
DEAR ABBY: Reading the letter about the dangers of sniffing and huffing made me relive the tragedy of my beloved 6-foot-1, 190-pound, 16-year-old son. He died in 1974 after sniffing a tissue roll stuffed with paper soaked with deodorant spray. He had told his friends that it wouldn't hurt anyone. Well, it did far more than hurt him -- it killed him.
Never being able to visit our beloved son, never having his children in our lives, never seeing him smile or hearing his voice again are permanent, painful wounds from which we will never recover.
When I retired, I began substitute teaching in 23 schools in the Houston area. I have shared my son's tragic story in every class I taught, hurting and crying every time I retold it. I feel that if my sharing the tragedy can save even one child from dying the way my son did, it is worth the pain of reliving his loss.
Children need to understand how dangerous sniffing and huffing are, and that size and strength will not prevent inhalants from paralyzing one's lungs. They need to know that form of drug abuse is more dangerous than a gun. Sniffing or huffing JUST ONCE can be the last time, because it kills.
Abby, please warn your readers again how deadly sniffing and huffing can be. -- DR. (REV.) LORAINE C. BOATWRIGHT, BONAIRE, GA.
DEAR DR. BOATWRIGHT: My heart goes out to you. Sharing the story of your son's death in order to save another child from dying the same way is both compassionate and generous. I have no doubt that the children to whom you speak will remember and refrain from seeking this deadly "thrill."
Readers, please talk to your children again about sniffing and huffing. Show them this letter. Tell them you love them and would be devastated to lose them in such a senseless way. Warn them not to sacrifice the promise of tomorrow for a momentary high. They have everything to lose when they gamble with inhalants.
DEAR ABBY: Last month, I was late picking up my son at his day-care center. He was the last child remaining there. The supervisor was gone. One of the attendants was cleaning up. I was told my son was playing cards in the back room with the attendant's boyfriend. I decided to sneak up on them and take a snapshot for his scrapbook. When I got to the door, I overheard the man tell my son to "zip up his pants" and "get the hell out." I had no idea what to do. The man saw me and threatened me and my son. We fled.
I took my son out of day care and put him in counseling, but have not said anything about this to anyone. I know I need to speak up. What should I do? -- FRIGHTENED MOM IN ARIZONA
DEAR FRIGHTENED MOM: By your silence, you are putting other children in jeopardy and protecting a predator. Report the molestation to the police immediately. Your son's counselor can prepare him to tell the authorities what happened in the back room.
In the past, I have received letters from day-care providers complaining about parents who fail to pick up their children in a timely manner. Let this be a warning.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)