Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Discussion of Guardianship Starts Family War of Wills
DEAR ABBY: Recently at a family party for my daughter's second birthday, a discussion came up about who I would like to leave my children with if something happened to my husband and me.
Although we have not made definite plans, I said we had several options. We are extremely close to some friends who are raising their children as we are raising ours. After thinking it over, I said they would be our first choice.
Well, my parents became furious. They threatened that if we were to leave our children with these friends, they would contest the will and fight to get custody.
Abby, I love my parents, but in my heart, I know they would not be the best choice to raise our kids. How can I get my parents to back off? -- THINKING OF THEIR FUTURE
DEAR THINKING: You probably can't, so you and your husband must talk to a lawyer and have your wishes "carved in granite." Include in the document all of the reasons you want your friends to raise your children -- and all of the reasons why your parents should not. Then cross your fingers, pray that the document will never have to be seen by your parents or used by your friends, and, if it becomes necessary, that it will be reviewed by an understanding, sympathetic judge.
DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter about a downed pilot in World War II who was captured by the Germans when he was observed cutting his food with his knife and transferring his fork to his right hand to eat, thus identifying himself as an American. This was not an uncommon event in World War II. The Germans were trained to look for such cultural habits.
Our allies, the British, were often identified and captured by the way they crossed the road as pedestrians. Because vehicles travel on the left side of the road in Britain, pedestrians look to their right when stepping off the curb, a dangerous habit in France or Germany where traffic approaches from the left -- and even more critical if an approaching vehicle contained members of the German militia. -- HISTORY TRIVIA BUFF, ENCINITAS, CALIF.
DEAR TRIVIA BUFF: Your letter gives me renewed respect for those who risked their lives trying to gain intelligence behind enemy lines.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old. I have no life. My parents won't let me out of the house because they are always afraid that something is going to happen to me. I live five miles outside of Reno, and I haven't been to town in two weeks. Every Saturday morning they both go into town, but they refuse to take me with them. My mom has blocked off all calls to my friends and from them.
What should I do? -- PRISONER IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR PRISONER: If your parents are doing this as a form of discipline, it is certainly not child abuse. However, if you are being isolated for no good reason, discuss it with a trusted teacher or a school counselor, because your parents' concern for your safety seems excessive.
NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: Happy Passover, one and all!
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'Turn It Down!' Is Battle Cry for Those Sick of Public Din
DEAR ABBY: Why do television and movie directors think they must fill every moment of a show with background music? I know many others feel as I do. I am particularly bothered when the wonderful nature shows have such loud background music that it's difficult to understand the commentary. What would be wrong with simply hearing the natural sounds of nature, like the sea or the forest?
Many people I know dislike going into restaurants because, again, the "background" music level is so high it is impossible to converse. And forget about sitting in a movie theater. Any sound level about 90 decibels does permanent damage to one's hearing -- yet studies show that practically every movie theater exceeds this damaging level by a huge margin. Ask a theater manager to turn down the volume, and you'll be told the public likes that noise. We are permanently damaging the hearing of our people. -- NANETTE FABRAY MACDOUGALL, PACIFIC PALISADES, CALIF.
DEAR NANETTE: You're absolutely right, of course. But restaurants use music to discourage patrons from lingering over their meals so the table can be "turned" to accommodate another seating, which equals more profit for the restaurant. Call it modern restaurant management.
If one were to ask theater owners and managers why the volume is raised so high in movies, I'm sure the reply would be that it adds to the realism for audiences whose hearing is already impaired from rock concerts and dance clubs.
Speaking as someone with a degree of hearing loss of my own, I agree that television shows are sometimes marred because the background music overpowers the dialogue. But whether or not it will be altered depends upon the demographic the producers and station executives are trying to appeal to.
Sad to say, but the situation probably won't improve until people are able to prove in a court of law exactly where they were when their hearing was damaged.
DEAR ABBY: I am responding on behalf of the Vermont State Judiciary Committee to a recent letter from "Needs to Know," who plans to "marry" in Vermont. We would like to clarify a potential misunderstanding of our landmark civil union law.
In Vermont, the institution of marriage is available only to couples of the opposite sex. However, same-sex couples may establish a "civil union," which entitles them to benefits and privileges, as well as the responsibilities, equal to those afforded to married couples.
We hope "Needs to Know," her partner, their families and friends enjoy their stay in Vermont. -- JOHN F. CAMPBELL, SENATOR, WINDSOR COUNTY, CLERK, SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE
DEAR SEN. CAMPBELL: Thank you for the clarification. Regardless of what you call it, your landmark civil union law is sensible and forward-thinking. I wish other states would follow your lead and allow same-sex couples who wish to be officially committed to each other the privilege of doing so. It poses no threat to "traditional" marriages and promotes responsibility and accountability between the partners.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Caring for Chain Smoking Aunt Is More Than Niece Can Bear
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end. I don't know if I can go on.
My mother's 64-year-old sister, Aunt "Stella," is suffering from pulmonary disease and can no longer care for herself. I already take care of my bedridden mother in Mom's home that she shares with my children and me, while I hold down a 40-hour-a-week job and single-handedly raise my two teen-agers.
Last evening, Mother asked me to take in Aunt Stella and care for her, because she is estranged from the rest of the family and has little money.
Abby, I am ashamed to admit it, but I hate the woman! Aunt Stella is the most self-centered, uncaring person I have ever known. In spite of her illness, she is never without a cigarette -- even when others are in the car with her.
All my life -- even as an infant and small child -- she was forever stinking up the air with her smoke. She didn't (and still doesn't) care about the safety and comfort of others, as long as she gets to smoke her cigs.
Everyone, including my mother, was afraid to say anything to her about her smoking, because she would become angry and verbally abusive. (No one was going to tell HER what to do!) The few times I spoke up (or lowered the car window so I could breathe) Aunt Stella either scolded or slapped me.
She was at our place for any and all family events. I could not escape her. She was never helpful to my mother or me; just a nuisance.
I love my mother dearly, as I do my children, and do not want them to experience what I suffered all my life. Although terminal, my aunt still smokes as much as she ever has.
Mom's days are short. She is often incoherent, but she does have days when she is really "with it," and I do not want her going to her grave knowing I did not fulfill her deathbed wishes. However, my fear is that Aunt Stella would live on long after Mom passes, and my life -- and my children's -- would be pure hell.
I thought I could place her in a home at some point, but I would have to sell this place to cover the costs of keeping Stella in a facility.
Do you have any ideas, Abby? I'll be watching your column and hoping. Thank you for listening. -- EXHAUSTED AND ANGRY
DEAR EXHAUSTED AND ANGRY: Gently tell your mother that the reality is that you are unable to care for her sister. Your wishes are as important as your mother's, and should be respected.
The state or local agency on aging may be able to suggest other alternatives available to your aunt in her time of need. Call and tell them about your aunt, but make it clear that YOU cannot be responsible for her.
DEAR ABBY: I am a pilot. I fly a private Learjet for a living. I have no fear of flying, but when it comes to getting on a roller coaster or some other thrill ride, I can't bring myself to try it. Please help me understand why. -- JOEY JET, DEERFIELD BEACH, FLA.
DEAR JOEY: I'll hazard a guess. On the amusement park rides you aren't in control, as you are when you're the pilot flying thousands of feet in the air.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)