Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Single Mom Can't Base Future on Support Payments Alone
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Desperate Mother in N.C.," who wanted to terminate the rights of her son's emotionally distant father, including stopping his support payments. My daughter's father also wanted nothing to do with her, and regarded her as a financial burden.
A few years ago, I was scheduled to have surgery and decided it was time I made a will. I was shocked when the attorney told me that no matter what I stated in my will, my daughter's father would have full custody of her if something happened to me. He could even put her up for adoption!
At my request, the attorney helped me to terminate her father's paternal rights. I thought it was sad that in the courtroom, her father asked, "Does this mean I don't have to pay child support?" The judge answered, "Yes." He said, "Then let's get this over with!" and hastily signed the papers. We never saw him again.
Please, "Desperate," do NOT base your child's future on how much money you might lose or gain. I could have used the financial support, but sometimes there are more important things than money. Children are gifts from God, and if you work hard and believe in yourself and God, you'll be guided down the right path. -- DOING FINE IN KANSAS
DEAR DOING FINE: I took a scolding from fathers' rights advocates and single mothers for encouraging "Desperate" to go forward with her decision. However, in instances where the father hasn't bonded with the child and is relieved to be off the hook, and raising the child doesn't create an undue financial burden for the mother, I think it's best for everyone if he's out of the picture. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I did the same thing "Desperate" did 25 years ago. I raised my two children alone until I remarried and my new husband adopted them. There were no problems for 17 years. Then, my ex-husband contacted my 17-year-old son and wanted back in his life big time.
My point: The children did without my ex-husband's support money that was rightfully theirs. Like a bad penny, he turned up and laughed that he had "outsmarted" me.
My advice to "Desperate Mother" is take the support money and put it in the bank for your son's education. -- BEEN THERE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BEEN THERE: Having not been in your situation, I can't argue with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A judge sets child support based on the parent's ability to pay and the child's needs. The child has a RIGHT to be supported by the parent(s). The mother can't waive the child's support, or rights, or needs.
Abby, your answer was neutral, but the above language sets out the important formula. -- MERRILL STEEB, CIRCUIT JUDGE, ST. JOSEPH, MO.
DEAR JUDGE STEEB: Thank you for your legal expertise. Single mothers, take note. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: So what if "Desperate" doesn't want the father to be part of her son's life? The money he sends is for the kid -- not her! If she doesn't need it, she should tuck it away in a savings plan for her son's education. When the boy gets older, he may want special sports equipment or a musical instrument. Whether "Desperate" likes it or not, this man is the child's natural father. The money she receives will show her son that his father cared for him in his way. -- A GRANDMA IN ARIZONA
DEAR GRANDMA: In his way? Children are not stupid. They know that a parent who cares about them takes time to be with them, and that a loving, responsible parent will give more than a child support payment.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Kids at Petting Zoo Should Take Care What They Wear
DEAR ABBY: Last summer, my husband and I visited a zoo. In the petting area, we saw a group of young children on a field trip. The teachers had made name tags out of construction paper and hung them around the children's necks. I remarked to my husband that the identification tags were not a good idea.
As he approached the teachers to express my concerns, I heard a "gasping" noise behind me. I turned and saw a goat chewing the cord that had twisted around a small boy's neck. The name tag was already eaten, and the goat was working its way up the cotton string. I frantically pried enough of the string out of the animal's mouth to free the strangling child.
By then, another goat was jerking a little girl around by the string on her name tag. My husband rescued her.
Abby, it's unwise to hang anything around a child's neck, especially when the child will encounter animals that may be attracted to dangling objects. Also, some animals routinely eat plant products. Cotton of any kind, paper and jute -- which are made from plants -- are considered "food" by goats.
Those unwitting teachers were sending the children into the animal pen dressed like a salad bar! I know they didn't realize the danger, but they should consider it in the future.
Thanks for helping me caution parents and teachers who take children to petting zoos. -- COUNTRY GAL FROM SACRAMENTO
DEAR COUNTRY GAL: You're welcome. And now I'll add a thought of my own. A small child wearing a tag that reveals his or her name on an outing is all the more vulnerable to being approached by a stranger. All the person has to say is, "Hi, Suzie. I'm a friend of your mommy's." I think they're a bad idea entirely.
DEAR ABBY: My niece married a few months ago. A month before her wedding, I gave her a wedding gift of eight Waterford goblets in her pattern. Because I had purchased them somewhere other than where she was registered, I asked her twice if they were what she wanted. She assured me that they were "perfect." I also gave her a gift of cash. Several weeks after the wedding, she sent me a gracious thank-you note.
She recently informed me that the goblets I had given her were shorter than she wanted. She told me the store where she had registered would take them back and give her credit toward taller goblets for half the price I had paid. Then she asked me to pay the difference.
Abby, I love her dearly. I do not want to upset our relationship. But I am hurt that she thinks the gift she assured me was perfect is no longer good enough for her. I could pay the difference to save face, but I would be unhappy with myself for allowing myself to be manipulated. Is it proper etiquette for her to ask me to come up with the difference for a more expensive set of goblets than those I gave her? -- EAST COAST AUNT
DEAR EAST COAST AUNT: Your niece's greed is as crystal clear as the goblets you gave her. Stand your ground and refuse her attempt to flatten your pocketbook. Assure her that you love her and value your relationship, but breaking the bank for her to have taller goblets isn't in the cards. The responsibility of exchanging the goblets should be hers and hers alone.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Gay Son Is Devastated When Parents Withdraw Their Support
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old gay man. After knowing I am gay for more than 15 years, my parents recently announced that my longtime partner and I are no longer welcome in their home. They say that if any of their neighbors found out they have a gay son, they would be outcasts in their community.
Abby, I am devastated. Although they were never totally supportive of my orientation, they have been guests in our home many times and seemed to genuinely like my partner. We are successful people in our community and socialize with an array of civic leaders and wonderful people of all orientations. I am unable to accept the level of shame my parents wish me to bear, and they seem unfazed about dropping me from their lives.
I cannot convince my parents of their folly. They say their decision is final and don't wish to discuss it further. I have spent thousands of dollars in counselling trying to deal with this loss. My siblings tell me that having put my parents through the "horrors" of having a gay son, I should be more understanding of their fears. This has destroyed my relationship with them as well.
I have trouble sleeping at night and would appreciate any advice you can offer. -- HURTING IN HOUSTON
DEAR HURTING: Please accept my condolences for the premature loss of your dysfunctional family. You're not going to change them, and they're not going to change you. Perhaps one day they'll realize their loss and change their minds, but you can't live your life waiting for that to happen. It might help you to remember that sooner or later, every one of us becomes an orphan. Sadly for you, you were "orphaned" sooner than most.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying called the "Serenity Prayer." I hope you will commit it to memory and use it as the need arises:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You now have the opportunity to create your own supportive family through your loving friends and neighbors. The good news is that from your description of the people with whom you socialize, you and your partner are already off to a good start.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a friend from my church passed away. She was 83 years old. I stopped by the funeral home to pay my respects to her and her family.
During my visit, I was completely ignored by family members who were standing around in nearby rooms enjoying animated conversations.
I feel that at least one family member should have acknowledged my presence and that of several others. Should I have interrupted their conversations to pay my respects? -- MOURNING IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR MOURNING: I agree that someone should have taken the time to acknowledge the presence of a new arrival, whether a staff member at the mortuary or a designated family member.
However, since no one did, you could have stepped forward, introduced yourself and expressed your sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: How can I tell my boyfriend that he is a bad kisser? -- WANTS TO BE TACTFUL
DEAR WANTS: Say nothing negative. Keep the message positive and offer to demonstrate.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)