What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
New Dad Fears Name Change Will Damage Bond With Boy
DEAR ABBY: When we learned our baby was going to be a boy, my wife and I settled on a name we both loved.
My mother-in-law has been gravely ill with Alzheimer's disease for several years, but she is now terminal. So my wife is facing the loss of her mother at almost the same time as the birth of our son. My wife asked what I thought about changing our son's name so the first letter of his name will be the same as her mother's. She told me it is customary to use the first letter from the name of a deceased relative when choosing a name for a child.
Common sense tells me I have no choice in this matter, but I don't want to change the name we have already chosen. Part of the bonding between me and my son has been talking to him in the womb. I fear the bond may be damaged if I have to name him something else.
What should I do? -- DISAPPOINTED FIRST-TIME DAD
DEAR DAD: Satisfy both your needs by giving your son a first name that begins with the first letter of your mother-in-law's name, but call him by his second name -- the one you and your wife chose in the first place. It happens all the time.
DEAR ABBY: I had to write when I read the letter from "Been Down That Road, St. George, Utah." She said that for years she and her children had laughed about the fact that being a step-grandchild brings with it the consequences of receiving fewer gifts and less recognition.
Exactly the opposite is true in my family. My mother-in-law, Cherylene, has gone to great lengths to include my daughters from my first marriage in everything. When my husband and I had two sons together, nothing changed.
I recall the time while shopping when Cherylene impulsively picked up a gift for the boys. She then spent time looking for something for the girls. When I told her it wasn't mandatory -- that the girls would understand, and that they needed to know life wasn't always fair -- she replied: "You're right. They do need to learn that lesson. But they're not going to learn it from me!"
The attitude in our family toward step-grandchildren has been one of acceptance and love. How sad that anyone thinks it must be any different. -- ELIZABETH IN PHOENIX
DEAR ELIZABETH: I agree. Acceptance and love usually beget more of the same. Children raised in an accepting, inclusive environment feel good about themselves and others. A child cannot pick its parents, and to discriminate on that basis is unfair to the child.
DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old daughter has invited a young man to escort her to an upcoming formal dance. Who should pay for the tickets? If they go out to eat before or after the dance, who should pay for their meals?
If a young man invited my daughter to a dance, I would expect him to purchase the ticket and pay for her meal. But since the invitation came from my daughter, who foots the bill? -- NEW ORLEANS MOM
DEAR MOM: Since your daughter invited the young man to the dance, she is responsible for buying the tickets and paying for the meal. It would be nice if the young man offered to pay for his ticket, but if he doesn't, your daughter should ante up.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
STEPDAD DEFENDS HIS MOTIVES IN GIVING DAUGHTER THIRD DEGREE
DEAR ABBY: I am shocked and outraged by your reply to "Married to an Overprotector," whose second husband insisted her 15-year-old daughter give him "all the personal details" of the dates she had with boys -- whether they held hands, kissed, etc.
My two stepdaughters are now 20 and 21. I, too, was probably "overprotective" during their teens. Yes, men tend to remember how we acted with girls when we were teen-agers -- when our bodies overflowed with testosterone and not enough common sense. That's one reason we are overprotective now. But you are wrong to imply that it is motivated by jealousy and sexual fantasy.
Perhaps, like me, the man just loves the girl as his own and fears that mistakes she might make during her formative years could affect her future. You owe him and all of us "overprotective" stepdads an apology. -- A CARING STEPDAD IN COLORADO
DEAR CARING: I certainly do not believe that all protective stepfathers have sexual fantasies about their stepdaughters. However, in this case, the stepfather's interrogation was excessive -- and many readers agreed with me. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You'll get many letters telling you that you were wrong in your comments about the "overprotective" stepfather. But stick to your guns, Abby.
The woman who wrote that letter could have been describing my ex-husband. He regarded every young man who showed interest in our adopted daughter as though he was a pervert. It made the young men so uncomfortable they would no longer come to our home. They would ask our daughter to meet them at a friend's house. Talking to my husband got me nowhere.
Once I asked him to talk to her about the "lines" boys use to convince a girl to have sex. He claimed never to have used any. I asked him in front of our daughter, and it made him uncomfortable.
You must have guessed by now -- he was sexually abusing her. I never suspected it. Our daughter did not divulge what happened to her until she was grown. She thought I had known about it all along and tolerated it.
We were estranged for years and only recently have begun to talk. -- ANONYMOUS MOM IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ANONYMOUS: I'm pleased that the lines of communication between you and your daughter are being mended. I hope her stepfather is being prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, was a stepdaughter. My father died before I was born. My stepfather, like "Overprotector," was overly concerned about any boy I dated. He opened and read my letters and insisted on knowing every detail of my dates. He would ask how I felt when kissed, and did I like it. He became angry if I had a date and didn't share all the details with him.
It wasn't long before he was exposing himself to me and touching me in inappropriate places. I was also 15. It continued for three years. My mother did not believe me when I told her what he was doing. I left home at 18. -- STILL HURTING IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.
DEAR STILL HURTING: You were betrayed by two adults who were supposed to protect you. If you haven't received counseling to lessen your pain, I urge you to do so. Your doctor can refer you to a qualified therapist.
There are self-help groups for survivors of abuse and incest: Incest Survivors Anonymous, P.O. Box 17245, Long Beach, CA 90807-7245; and, Survivors of Incest Anonymous Inc., P.O. Box 190, Benson, MD 21018-9998. The Web address is www.siawso.org.
P.S. If you write for information, please enclose a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope (68 cents) for the reply. Survivors of Incest Anonymous requests a $2 donation to cover cost of materials.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND'S INTERROGATIONS REVEAL HIS LACK OF TRUST
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 14 years. We have two wonderful boys. Last weekend, my husband questioned me about a missing condom. He asked if I knew where it was. At first, I laughed it off, because I had no idea where it might be. He questioned me about it for three days.
Yesterday, I discovered the missing condom. It had been thrown into another drawer. When I told my husband, he actually checked the lot number to see if it matched the others in the package. He said it was "very suspicious," and did not apologize for accusing me of taking it.
Abby, our married life has not been the happiest. He has falsely accused me of things in the past. I've mentioned marriage counseling many times, but he refuses to go. How should I handle this? -- TIRED OF THE THIRD DEGREE
DEAR TIRED: The lack of trust in your marriage needs to be addressed. Since your husband refuses to go to counseling, go by yourself. You need a safe, supportive place to vent your understandable frustration and anger.
P.S. You didn't mention how old your sons are, but I suspect one or both of them became curious and went into your drawers. In their haste to return the condom, it was put into the wrong drawer. If you haven't done so already, your sons are old enough to hear some straight talk about human sexuality, the reproductive system and their parents' right to privacy.
DEAR ABBY: Recently you've printed several letters from readers complaining about their neighborhood "pests." I live in an idyllic home at the end of a private road. Vegetation obscures my immediate neighbors.
My neighborhood "pest" is my next-door neighbor. For years she complained that I was cutting weeds and vines from the ditch that separates our properties. (I cut the weeds because I want the hedge I planted to grow.)
One day while she was complaining, I said, "You know, it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that you watch me when I'm all sweaty and working with my shirt off." Then I winked at her. It was the last complaint I've had from her in five years. -- GARDENER IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.
DEAR GARDENER: You probably scared the "pest" with your flirtatious accusation. I hope your hedge has finally grown tall enough that she no longer gets an "eyeful," if she's so inclined.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning a simple, intimate wedding, and because I am Jewish and he is not, we're having a nondenominational ceremony. At the end of the ceremony, I would like to have the traditional "stomping of the glass." However, my mother says that we cannot do it because we're not having the traditional Jewish ceremony.
What is the proper etiquette? -- STACY IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR STACY: There is no rule that says you cannot include the breaking of the wine glass in your wedding ceremony if you wish. Civil ceremonies can (and do) vary greatly, and some customs can be modified according to your own preference.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)