Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Widowed and Divorced Men Make Easy Targets for a Con
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Worried About Dad in New Mexico." She's the daughter of the man who was widowed five years ago. She told you that shortly after her mother's death, her father began dating women about 45 years his junior -- and that he had spent more than $20,000 on those "girls." She said his house had been robbed three times, and the last woman who robbed him had grabbed his wallet and run out of the house topless, where she was met by an accomplice and driven away.
You told her -- in so many words -- that you thought he needed his head examined and possibly a conservatorship.
I can tell you from personal experience that being older and having reduced mental capacity is not the likely reason for her dad blowing money on those young women. It is more likely because he is male and lonely. Men do not take well to losing their spouses, whether because of death or divorce. I know, because I am 44 and have been there.
Soon after my divorce, I would have put up with almost anything to have a companion. I didn't lose money at the level that "Worried's" father did, but then, I didn't have that much to lose. After the third woman "took me," I began to wise up and figured that either my name was being passed around, or someone out there was conducting classes to teach women how to get money out of lonely men.
I should have known better -- not just because I'm smart, but because I'm a counselor for divorced and single fathers with the Missouri-Kansas Chapter of the National Congress for Fathers and Children. I had worked with divorced and single fathers for seven years at the time of my own divorce in 1996.
I agree with you that the man should have both a physical and mental checkup, because depression is very common in men after such events. I am going this week to a mental health facility for a follow-up myself.
Aside from that, the daughter should encourage her father to attend singles events for people his age. I know that this makes her uncomfortable, but if she wants to see her father live for many more years to come, the best medicine right now may be meeting someone new.
Because I believe that all recently divorced or widowed men should have depression testing, you may use my name. -- GEORGE R. McCASLAND
DEAR GEORGE: Thank you for an interesting letter. While you may be right that the father's problem could be loneliness and depression, I was concerned because his daughter reported that despite having installed an alarm system and motion detector, her father's house had been robbed three times, and his credit cards and ID stolen by women he had picked up or their accomplices. I felt he should be evaluated because the next time it happened, he could be injured or worse.
If the man passes muster and reads your letter, perhaps he will be lucky and find the "medicine" that you recommend. I'm not against having fun; I only want him to play safely. Readers, more on this subject tomorrow.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DRINKING LEADS WOMAN OUT OF FRYING PAN AND INTO FIRE
DEAR ABBY: I wholeheartedly agree with "Steaming in Massachusetts" that you shouldn't cook if you have been drinking.
Four years ago, I went out to dinner and had a few drinks. When I returned home, I threw a chicken breast and some oil in a skillet and turned on the stove to cook it for my 17-year-old son who was working late. While the skillet heated, I went into the living room, turned on the TV and sat down.
The next thing I remember, I was in my front yard being shaken by my neighbor.
I had consumed only a couple of drinks, but they were enough to make me pass out and not notice the smell of the oil smoking in the aluminum pan. Fortunately, a neighbor walking with her 5-year-old son saw the smoke pouring out of my open windows. She sent her son home to dial 911, while she stood at our fence screaming for us to get out of the house. (Our two Rottweilers wouldn't permit anyone to enter our fenced yard.)
My husband heard the neighbor's screams and went outside. When he realized I was still inside, he re-entered the house and found me fast asleep. He dragged me outside moments before the police were going to shoot the dogs to get in.
I am forever indebted to my neighbor and the fire and police departments. I learned a hard lesson I will never forget: IF YOU DRINK, STAY AWAY FROM THE STOVE! -- KAREN IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR KAREN: You had a close call. Since the amount of alcohol you consumed caused you to become unconscious, I hope you called a halt to the drinking. Your frightening experience should have proven to you that when you drink, you're a danger to yourself and others.
DEAR ABBY: When my daughter was young, I told her that sex was something you shared only when you had strong, special feelings for someone. I encouraged her to tell me when she reached the point she might want to become sexually active so that I could take her to the doctor for birth control.
At 16, she told me she was ready to see the doctor and get the pill. I felt she was still too young, but I honored her request and took her to see our doctor.
On the way home, a little angel on my shoulder prompted me to say, "Remember, honey, just because you can, doesn't mean you have to. The choice is still yours, and you still have the right to say no."
She gave a big sigh of relief. I later learned that she postponed having sex until she was 19. -- LOS ANGELES MOM
DEAR MOM: How wise you were.
At the age of 16, many teens begin to assert their independence, and they sometimes do so by doing exactly what the parents discourage. Reminding your daughter that the choice was still hers and trusting her to make the right decision was a clever way to handle this tricky situation.
DEAR ABBY: My friends and I recently discussed this question: What is the appropriate cut-off time to call someone on the telephone? Our answers have ranged anywhere from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. What is your thinking on this? -- CALL-WAITING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CALL-WAITING: The answer depends upon the parties you are calling and the hours they keep. Ask the people in question what would be the latest they would welcome calls and respect their wishes.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE FINDS IT HARD TO FORGIVE HUSBAND'S DECEIVING FRIENDS
DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma. Two years ago, my husband had an affair. We weathered the storm; our marriage is intact. However, the aftershocks keep coming when I least expect them.
A couple my husband and I had befriended when we were first married are being married this fall. During my husband's affair, they covered for him and kept his affair a secret from me. In many ways, they made it easier for him to carry on without getting caught. During this time, they would have nothing to do with me. Even after I discovered the affair, neither offered me any support, and I never received an apology.
Now their wedding festivities are under way, and they are starting to warm up to me again. They have asked my husband to be in the wedding. He wants to throw them a big wedding party, and of course, he will want to buy them an expensive gift.
I grit my teeth thinking about having to play the friendly hostess to two people who betrayed me and whom I have not yet forgiven. I have not told my husband how I feel because I am committed to letting go of the past and not holding this affair over his head. He has been an exemplary husband ever since it ended, but I really want no part of this wedding. Please help me. -- HURT AND ANGRY, AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR HURT AND ANGRY: Considering that the couple aided and abetted your husband in the affair and offered no explanation or apology for their part in it, your feelings are justified.
Before letting the plans for the party go further, tell your husband exactly how you feel about hosting a party for the couple who had a hand in nearly destroying your marriage. If he's expecting you to play hostess, he needs a wake-up call.
P.S. An affair is like an earthquake; it causes cracks in the foundation of the marriage. If you and your husband haven't already done so, schedule some sessions with a marriage counselor. Until you do, the "aftershocks" will continue, and your union could crumble.
DEAR ABBY: I wholeheartedly agree with your answer about how the ashes of a cremated loved one should be handled. You said if it would be comforting to the surviving relatives, a portion could be given to them.
When our youngest son -- an avid skier -- was killed in an auto accident on his way to ski three years ago, we were stunned. One of his friends asked if he could have some of his ashes to spread at a favorite ski run they had enjoyed together. That led to our decision to divide his ashes and place them in vials. After the memorial service, we invited anyone who wished to take some to spread at a special place they had shared with our son, and to let us know where and why they chose their special place. The responses delighted us.
His ashes are spread from Canada to New Mexico; the stories his friends wrote and shared with us are beautiful. We spread some of the ashes in Ohio where his youth was spent, and we took some to Scotland to scatter on his grandmother's grave.
We think he would be very pleased with how we handled this. -- SAD, BUT AT PEACE IN ARIZONA
DEAR AT PEACE: You handled it beautifully -- and I'm pleased it brought you comfort. I have a hunch that the letters you received from your son's friends will be a more meaningful memorial than an epitaph carved in granite would have been.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)