For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
No Strings Relationship May Knock Woman Off Her Feet
DEAR ABBY: I am attracted to one of my college friends. We went out last Saturday night, and I asked if he would like us to be "more than friends." He said, "No. We're graduating in a few months, and I don't want either of us to become 'attached.'"
I asked him if he would like us to be "friends with benefits." You know -- friends who show affection and who comfort each other, with no strings attached. He said OK as long as I promised there would be no repercussions -- then he kissed me. Abby, it was one of those kisses that if I had been standing up, I would have fallen down!
I haven't been able to stop thinking about that kiss. I know we're going our separate ways in a few months, and I think I can protect myself from becoming attached. On the other hand, do you think I am setting myself up for a fall? -- "NO STRINGS" GIRL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR "NO STRINGS": Yes, big time. Don't sample the goodies unless you're willing to risk addiction and withdrawal. You're hoping that the young man will change his mind about you in a few months and give you a commitment. However, what you really would be doing is fulfilling many a young man's fantasy -- a physical relationship with a woman who has no expectations.
Think twice about your "benefit package." Do you really want a broken heart as a graduation gift?
DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my brother to suicide. After many months of depression, medication and trips to a psychologist, life was more than he could bear. It has been very hard the last few weeks dealing with everything that has gone on.
I know people don't mean to be cruel, but when they hear that someone has died, they ask, "How old?" (He was only 43.) Then they say, "Oh, did he have a heart attack?"
It's painful to say, "No, he committed suicide." Now I think I have come up with a good answer that has stopped a few people already -- and it's the truth. My minister suggested I pass it along to you to share with your readers.
A lady at church asked the usual questions, and my response was, "No, he died as a result of severe depression." That stopped her in her tracks. With an embarrassed look on her face, she said, "Oh" and turned and left.
Hope this is a help to others who are faced with the same situation. -- MARY ANDERSON, STILLWATER, MINN.
DEAR MARY: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your beloved brother. I have said many times that it is impolite to ask the cause of death when extending one's sympathy to the bereaved, because discussing the details is usually painful regardless of how the person died. I think you handled the intrusion extremely well.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 years old. My ex-boyfriend told one of my friends from sixth grade that he and I had sex. Not only did we NOT have sex, but we never even kissed, and I haven't spoken to him since sixth grade. Should I confront him? -- FURIOUS IN ADRIAN, MICH.
DEAR FURIOUS: Absolutely. And do it publicly. I'd be furious, too.
Husband's Office Confidante Goes Too Far for Jealous Wife
DEAR ABBY: A woman in my husband's office buys him gifts. They run the gamut from little personal things to expensive, imported items.
She says they are to thank him for all the times he has listened to her personal problems at work, along with helping her fix things like her car. My husband goes to lunch and out for coffee and smoke breaks with her instead of the men in his office. He has always been open about this.
I have asked him more than once not to be so personally involved with her, but he insists she is "just a friend." Abby, this relationship is hurting our marriage. My husband no longer confides his feelings to me. He saves them for her.
There she is all day looking great and able to share a quiet, oasis-like environment with my husband, while I am at home with three small children and all the chores.
This woman is married with children, too. I'm fuming because I think the extravagant gift-giving is every bit as inappropriate as the relationship. Am I wrong? -- JEALOUS IN JERSEY
DEAR JEALOUS: You and your husband are overdue for a getaway weekend to rekindle the spark. Marriage counseling could also help guide you through the process of reopening the lines of communication between you and your husband. Some changes need to be made in your marriage so that you are not so threatened and you, too, can enjoy more freedom. You'll both be better for it.
DEAR ABBY: I wrote the following note to my 40-year-old daughter:
"Please tell me how we can improve our relationship. It is important that you know how much I want us to have a more normal mother-daughter dialogue. Please tell me what you would have me do and how you want me to go about it. We need to act reasonably, rationally and honestly to resolve our differences. I pray you will agree. It would be so good for both of us."
My daughter replied:
"You already know what to do. I have been asking for the last 10 years. Pay off my old debts with no questions asked. These accounts are 10 years old. I barely get by with my day-to-day expenses. It is obvious that I'll never be able to pay these off myself. So give me the best Christmas and 40th birthday present I could ever have: freedom from debt, and good credit. Once that is done, we will be able to talk about having a better relationship."
Abby, I have helped my daughter financially over the years. She has never invited me to her apartment or prepared me a meal. She has a master's degree in public administration and works for the state.
We have had counseling. I told her I would be happy to pay a financial planner to help her get her life in order, but I would be doing her a disservice by paying her bills. What do you think? -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEWILDERED: I think you have raised a daughter whose sense of entitlement boggles the mind. What you received was an extortion letter. I hope you won't give in to her demands. The solution you are willing to provide for her financial problems makes much more sense than bailing her out again. Stick to your guns and do not allow yourself to be blackmailed. Whatever is wrong with your relationship will not be resolved by giving her money.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Finally Sees the Light About Her Controlling Husband
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "At My Wit's End," whose best friend's husband was insanely jealous, prompted me to write.
For 13 years, I was married to a very controlling, much older man. A woman named "Helen" from church would call me occasionally. Since I wasn't allowed to have friends, each time she called, my husband would make a scene in the background. I was extremely embarrassed, but one day she said: "He's trying to run me off. He may have been in your life a long time before me, but I'll be around long after he's gone!"
That statement caused me to review my situation and realize the extent to which I was being controlled. Suddenly, I experienced a feeling of power where before I felt helpless. I came to realize that I was miserable in my marriage, but I had believed it was all my fault. Had it not been for Helen's comment, I might still be in that abusive relationship (which it was).
That was 20 years ago. I divorced him, and my life has changed tremendously since then. Please, Abby, tell "Wit's End" she may be her friend's only link to a new life. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'll do better than that. I'll point out that being isolated from friends and family by a partner -- male or female -- is one sign of a potential abuser. Read on for some other signs (adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.):
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." If the abuse has gone this far -- it's time to get help or get out!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)