To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Blood Donors' Generosity Gives Family More Time With Grandpa
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather is an amazing man. He served his country during World War II. He postponed his dreams to give his five children a better life. He and my grandmother sacrificed and saved so that their children would have the chance to go to college and emerge debt-free. He is the kindest and gentlest person I have ever known.
Last summer, at the age of 84, he almost died of a still undiagnosed blood disorder. What saved his life were multiple transfusions of donated blood. Since that time, he has returned to the hospital for further transfusions and is doing fine.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the people who gave their time and their blood so that my grandfather could live. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to meet and fall in love with his first great-grandchild. Thank you for giving Grandpa his 62nd wedding anniversary and his 85th birthday. Thank you for allowing his extended family to gather in celebration of Christmas. Thank you for every day that you have given our family the chance to absorb more of his wisdom.
Abby, please ask your readers to take the time to save a grandpa, a child, a stranger or a relative. Give blood. -- KRISTA L. THORNTON, NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR KRISTA: Thank you for your eloquent letter. A pint of blood is easy and painless to give, and it can literally mean the difference between life and death. Readers, if you won't do it for yourselves, consider doing it in the memory of a loved one who didn't make it.
Contact the nearest Red Cross Center by looking in your telephone book or asking the information operator, or call 1-888-256-6388 for the location of your nearest community-focused blood center.
DEAR ABBY: As a child protective social worker and parent-education instructor, I would like to add to your advice to "Concerned Knoxville Mom" whose 10-year-old daughter answers the door when she shouldn't and leaves the door unlocked. None of this is unusual for a 10-year-old left unsupervised for even short periods.
"Concerned Mom's" daughter is saying by her behavior that she is not ready to handle the responsibility of supervising herself for even a short time. A 10-year-old child should not be left unsupervised. It's often too tempting for a child that age to take advantage of his or her "freedom" and try to get away with things they wouldn't get away with when a parent is around.
You should have advised "Concerned Mom" to ask a trusted relative, a friend or neighbor to allow the child to stay at his or her home for the brief period before "Concerned Mom" comes home from work. She should also check with her local welfare department or child protective services about financial assistance for child care. These agencies can direct her to after-school care programs or, if necessary, can even certify a relative, friend or neighbor, after completing a background check and evaluating his or her home, making this alternative caregiver eligible to receive compensation through state child-care funds.
If "Concerned Mom" looks hard enough, she can find alternatives to leaving her 10-year-old daughter at home alone. -- CHILD PROTECTIVE SOCIAL WORKER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SOCIAL WORKER: What a helpful letter. I'm sure it will interest many parents of latchkey children from coast to coast who are unaware of the potential help that is available to them.
Doctor's Wife Can't Convince Her Husband to Heal Himself
DEAR ABBY: I am an educated middle-aged woman who has not worked outside the home since my first child was born 12 years ago. My husband, "Jack," is a respected physician who makes a good living. We have two daughters, ages 11 and 9. Jack loves the girls and tries to make time for them in his busy work schedule. His career is demanding. Over the years it has taken more and more from him in terms of time, energy and emotions, which is why I have chosen to be at home. Jack has given up many of the things he used to do for fun and relaxation because he is tired all the time.
My husband has become an angry, depressed man. He manages to hide it at work and functions very well. But when he is home, he is controlling and complains constantly.
I have repeatedly asked him to see a therapist and consider taking an anti-depressant, but he absolutely refuses to do either. He says he can manage his problems. He can't. His constant criticism has killed any feelings I had for him. I am not interested in his thoughts or opinions, and I'm certainly not interested in having sex with him, which I do to keep the peace.
Jack says he is happy with me and doesn't want another wife. I am NOT happy with him and I don't want another husband. It's too much work!
If we didn't have children I would leave. But how can I take my daughters away from their father? If I left him, I wouldn't know what to do to support myself since I no longer have any marketable skills. I'm afraid he'd be so angry he would leave me financially destitute.
Abby, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. -- TIRED OF IT ALL
DEAR TIRED: Leaving isn't an option. Your husband needs you. You have described symptoms of chronic depression, and your husband needs professional help. Although it hasn't yet affected his work, if it continues, it will.
Try again to convince him to get the help he needs. Remind him of how things used to be between the two of you before he became self-protective and defensive. Do not be confrontational. Tell him you love him. Remind him how important he is to his daughters, that as a family you need his support, not his criticism.
If that has no effect, talk to one of his close and trusted colleagues, preferably one who is trained in mental health disorders, about the change in his behavior. Depression is an illness, and he or she may be able to convince him, in a way you can't, to get help.
Medication and counseling do wonders in the treatment of depression. The sooner it is treated, the faster the patient (or doctor) gets better.
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my mother sent me a birthday card with a penny inside. She died recently, and I'm still wondering why she sent me just a penny.
Is there an old adage connected to giving someone a penny as a gift? -- DAUGHTER OF A FRUGAL MOM
DEAR DAUGHTER: Have you never heard of "a penny for luck"? Your mother included the penny because she was wishing you good luck.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Family of Six Tries Not to Be a Burden on Weekend Hosts
DEAR ABBY: I have tried for years to contact some of my husband's Army buddies. I have finally gotten in touch with one of them, and we'll be visiting him and his family for a weekend in the near future.
They told us our large family is no problem, and it would be easier for us to stay with them than in a motel. Because of the size of our family, I feel we should stay in a motel. My husband thinks we should stay with them.
Abby, what should I take with me when we visit them? What would be an appropriate hostess gift? I have never met these people, although we've communicated often via phone calls and online communications. Should I bring groceries or go shopping with the hostess and pay for some of the food? Should I send money in advance to help with the extra expenses of our visit? Should I take towels for our family? Six showers a day equals a lot of laundry.
I would appreciate your guidance. -- UNEASY VISITOR IN BATH, N.Y.
DEAR UNEASY: Because of the size of your family, ask your hosts if they would like you to bring towels, pillows, sleeping bags or linens and blankets. If they aren't needed, they will tell you. Forget about taking groceries since this is only a weekend visit, but do take your hosts out for a meal during your stay.
Take along a lovely basket of fruit you can all enjoy as your hostess gift, and following your visit, be sure to thank your hosts in writing for their hospitality.
DEAR ABBY: Last fall, you printed a letter from a woman who gave her friend a hat shower. The friend had lost her hair from chemotherapy treatments. Because you printed that letter, I was the recipient of two hat showers! You have no idea how much they meant to me.
At one of the showers, the hostess asked everyone to explain how they knew me and to tell what I meant to them. It was a very special and emotional time. I have never felt so loved and embraced as I did that night. The hostess also asked the attendees to give me a card to open at a later date. I now have cards to open over the next four months -- and I look forward to opening them. What a thoughtful way of letting me know how much I am loved long after the shower.
The school bus drivers I work with gave me the second shower. To see all the drivers wearing pink ribbons on their I.D. badges was awesome!
The first time I went through chemo was 13 years ago. This time I have almost 100 hats from which to choose. It makes being bald not quite so hard.
Thank you, Abby, and also the woman who wrote the letter. I love all my hats. Each one has a special memory. -- CONNIE OLIVER, MOSES LAKE, WASH.
DEAR CONNIE: I hope your terrific letter inspires other readers to follow suit. We all need affirmation in times of trouble. I wish you successful treatment and a speedy recovery.
DEAR ABBY: You were wrong when you told "Happily Dating in N.J." that "years ago girls used to dream about a little white house with a picket fence. Now they're likely to dream about a corporate office with a couple of windows."
Many girls still dream about that "little white house," but today they are focused on providing it for themselves instead of waiting for a man to get it for them. -- GRANDMA GAYLE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR GRANDMA GAYLE: Your point is well taken. However, I think we are both right.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)