Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Has No Cause to Rejoice for This Good Christian Man
DEAR ABBY: My first husband died of cancer in 1997. In 1999, I met a man on the Internet -- I'll call him Roland. Roland and I have been married for 23 months. He is a division chaplain (colonel) in the Army Reserves, a part-time pastor in a small church and also a marriage therapist.
Roland has suddenly decided he doesn't want to be married anymore. Last summer he bought a red Corvette, and recently he purchased a bottle of Grecian Formula. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered e-mails he had written to other women saying he wants a "special lady" in his life. (Abby, that's what I thought I was!)
Please warn women about being on the Internet, even the Christian sites. At 55, I'm facing being single again, and it's no fun. Roland is sweet, charming, and even says grace in restaurants before a meal. I'm not the kind of woman who "has" to have a man, thank goodness, but I just thought I had met the right one. Where did I go wrong? -- DISILLUSIONED IN CLARKSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You naively believed that a man you met on a Christian Web site was automatically a "good" Christian. I don't know what problems he brought to the relationship, but it appears he started having one heck of a midlife crisis last summer. Either that, or you married a wolf in pastor's clothing.
Although you're not the kind of woman who "has" to have a man, please don't lose faith in all men. There are some terrific men out there, but none of them comes with a money-back guarantee.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 55 years used to be verbally abusive when things didn't go right for him.
Some years ago, you suggested that if someone was angry with his or her spouse, a list of 10 admirable qualities be written down before expressing anger.
My husband took your advice. He composed a list of 13 things he admired about me and gave it to me. Abby, he has been a new person since then, and reading his list has made me a better person, too.
Other people should try it. I have enclosed his list in case you would like to share it with your readers. -- BERTHA IN PIQUA, OHIO
DEAR BERTHA: I'm almost hesitant to do so, for fear that you'll be stolen away by someone who wants to place you on an even higher pedestal.
BERTHA'S GOOD POINTS
(1) Good mother to the kids
(2) Good worker
(3) Helped me get a house
(4) Helped me leave the farm
(5) Is respected by others
(6) Is dependable and faithful
(7) Good cook and housekeeper
(8) Good with business
(9) Good shopper and money manager
(10) Good seamstress and canner
(11) Good education; very smart
(12) Good lover
(13) Good-looking, neat, and good dresser
P.S. Bertha, now it's time for you to list your husband's finer qualities. First on the list should be his willingness to change.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
BIRTHDAY GIRL'S PARTY IS NOT HAPPY OCCASION FOR GUEST
DEAR ABBY: I am knee-deep in a quandary. I have a 30-something-year-old friend who throws herself a girls-only birthday party every year.
This soiree always takes place at a nice restaurant selected by the hostess, where guests are expected to pay for their own drinks and meals. The cost usually runs from $60 to $80 per person. In addition, each guest is expected to bring the "birthday girl" a gift.
In years past, I have come up with excuses in order to get out of attending. This year I learned through the grapevine that I'm not the only one who is reluctant to go.
With the economy being what it is, I cannot justify the expenditure of attending this party. How would you suggest I go about being removed from the guest list this year (and in the future)? -- COUNT ME OUT IN SAN JOSE
DEAR COUNT ME OUT: Tell the "birthday girl" you have other plans this year. Then talk to the other guests on the list for this annual tribute and suggest that all of you get together mid-year to celebrate your collective birthdays, with the understanding that your treasured friendship should be the only gift allowed.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lenny," and I met through mutual friends back in 1988 and have been together ever since. We have a good life and two wonderful children.
My problem is that Lenny is a very jealous man. The other night, we were at a hockey game, and one of the guys I work with came over to say hello. I introduced him to Lenny and they shook hands. I could see my husband getting noticeably upset. Now he insists I'm cheating with this co-worker.
Several times within the last year, Lenny has accused me of being unfaithful. What can I do, Abby? I love my husband with all my heart and intend to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm sick and tired of being wrongly accused when I'm innocent. -- SAD AND MAD, RICHARDSON, TEXAS
DEAR SAD AND MAD: Your husband appears to be deeply insecure with low self-esteem. His accusations are an attempt to control.
Counseling could offer the breakthrough you need, but unless Lenny is willing to admit HE'S the one with the problem, don't count on it.
DEAR ABBY: A 12-year-old boy wrote that he told his cousin he was going to commit suicide. The cousin broke his confidence and told an adult, who acted upon the information. All turned out well for the boy, who later thanked his cousin for saving his life.
As a police officer, I want to remind everyone -- especially kids -- that there are certain situations when you MUST break confidences and tell a friend or relative. Too many times we learn too late that someone knew another person was going to commit suicide or harm another, and the person who knew didn't tell anyone so the tragedy could be prevented. Many times they spend the rest of their lives experiencing unbearable guilt for not telling.
We must ask ourselves: Will someone or something be seriously harmed if I DON'T report this information? Is this a secret I can keep because it will cause no harm to anyone? -- OFFICER JAMES, FOLSOM, CALIF.
DEAR OFFICER JAMES: I agree. It's far more important to make a mature decision and save a life than to keep a dangerous secret.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Mom Who's After Golf Pro May Get Stuck in the Rough
DEAR ABBY: My mother is divorced and currently dating "Scott," a golf pro. He lives with another woman I'll call Alice. When Scott and my mother met in a bar a year ago, he was honest about the fact he was living with someone. Alice is the woman Scott left his wife for. They moved here together from another state. However, he told my mother his relationship with Alice was essentially over and he was waiting for the "right time" to leave.
According to Scott, he owns no furniture or household appliances, and the truck he drives is in Alice's name. He says if he had any assets his ex-wife would claim them. He's not even listed in our local phone book.
My sisters and I see red flags and have warned Mother. She ordered us to stay out of her life. Mother believes if she holds out long enough, Scott will leave Alice and come running to her. She believes everything he says.
This has caused a huge rift in our family. I know Mother doesn't want to be alone, but her desperate attempts to turn this "romance" into something lasting frighten me. She did give Scott an ultimatum about leaving Alice, which he did briefly, and then returned to her -- but Mother continues to see him.
I don't understand why Mother isn't angry and has so little pride and self-respect. It has taken all my strength not to call Alice and tell her what is going on. Scott is taking advantage of TWO women.
Abby, am I way off base, or does this situation have all the makings of a disaster? -- LOVE IS BLIND AND STUPID IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR LOVE IS BLIND: Your mother knows the risk she is taking. She is after a swinger with a serious "handicap." Sadly, even if she wins, she's going to wind up with a loser.
Please try not to judge her harshly. If you can, involve her in activities where she might meet someone eligible who shares her interests. Then cross your fingers and pray.
DEAR ABBY: I am married. I love my husband, but I kissed another man. I feel awful about this. It was crazy, but I enjoyed the momentary escape from reality. Any advice on how to deal with this? -- FEELING GUILTY IN MICHIGAN
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: What you did was impulsive, foolish and risky, and sent the wrong message to the man involved. Before it happens again -- and you feel even worse -- please schedule some sessions with a counselor to find out what made you vulnerable to this indiscretion.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are looking forward to entertaining in our home. Neither of us drinks alcohol, and we prefer not to have any in our home. Can you help us with an appropriate way to communicate that to our guests? -- T. TOTALLER IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR T.: Actions speak louder than words. An appropriate way to get your message across is simply to serve a variety of tasty, non-alcoholic beverages at your gatherings.
If one of your guests mentions it, don't hesitate to tell that person exactly what you have told me. In your home, you make the rules.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)