To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
HUSBAND'S NUMEROUS AFFAIRS HAVE CHEATED WIFE OF A LIFE
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 50 years. I am 70, my husband is 73. We have eight grandchildren and are active in our church and community. Everyone thinks our marriage is a happy one. However, they are mistaken.
My husband has had seven affairs that I know of in the last 40 years. Each affair lasted from six months to seven years. His current affair is now in its sixth year.
Abby, his mistress calls me and lets me know every time they meet. She tells me to leave him so they can be together. You can't imagine the pain of hearing a young woman say: "Old goat! We are in love. Leave him so he can have a life with me." I am devastated, but I fear loneliness. I don't know where to turn. Please tell me what to do. -- LOST IN CHICAGO
P.S. I wrote you in 1984 about the same problem. You gave me two choices: Leave him or tolerate his behavior, because he wouldn't change. You were right. He did not change. You said personally you would have chosen the first option. I'm sorry I didn't follow your advice then.
DEAR LOST: I, too, am sorry that you didn't follow my advice. It would have saved you 17 years of pain and humiliation.
I hope you'll take my advice this time. Some things are worse than loneliness, and in my opinion, living with a chronic cheater is one of them. Make an appointment with a lawyer -- and this time, follow through.
DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my wife to cancer. I could not believe the kindness and consideration of so many family members and friends. However, some people said and wrote things that were thoughtless or hurtful.
My wife entered hospice care when it was apparent she would not win her battle. One woman sent her a greeting card that included the message, "Just think -– when you die you can be my guardian angel!" Believe it or not, that was topped at the visitation prior to the funeral, when a widow told me: "You think it's bad today? Just wait. Every day will be worse than the day before."
Instead of rushing to "open mouth and insert foot," people should just offer sincere condolences, shake hands, and hug or kiss the bereaved.
Weeks after the funeral, wherever I went -– including church -– people would either try to avoid me or give me a pained look and ask, "And how are you?" Instead, they should say, "Good to see you." The bereaved do not need to be reminded of their loss, but do welcome smiles and cheery greetings. -- KEN ALBRECHT, SEA ISLE CITY, N.J.
DEAR KEN: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Many people feel awkward and do not know the proper words to offer when someone has suffered the loss of a spouse or relative. It is for those people I am printing your letter. I hope they will save it for future reference. Sooner or later, we're all going to encounter someone in that situation, and it's best to be prepared.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Grandpa Is Not Living Up to Grandson's Expectations
DEAR ABBY: I'm worried about Grandpa, who is 96. Ever since Grandma died two years ago, Gramps has been acting like a playboy. Granted, he works out every day and looks like he's only 70, lives independently in his own home and still drives a car. However, Grandpa chases around with women half his age, spending money like it's water, going to social events and sometimes having a cocktail!
Abby, how can I get Grandpa to behave himself, keep those gold-diggers away and stop spending my inheritance?
I've tried talking to him. He says it's his life, he practices safe sex and to mind my own business! Since it's MY inheritance he's wasting, I think it is MY business!
What do you think about this, Abby? -- WORRIED GRANDSON, GLENDALE, CALIF.
P.S. I'm worried his new lifestyle will kill him.
DEAR WORRIED GRANDSON: No, you're not. You're worried that Grandpa's got a new lease on life, and when the lease is up, you'll be broke. Shame on you.
DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old niece, "Tori," has begun sending thank-you notes by e-mail rather than snail mail. Although I would much prefer receiving an old-fashioned thank-you note, I understand that in this day and age, an electronic acknowledgment for a gift may suffice.
However, what I find more upsetting is the fact that Tori writes only one thank-you message, and then copies it to everyone who has given her a gift.
Recently she participated in a school fund-raiser that happened to fall on the same week as her birthday. Certain family members and friends contributed to her fund-raiser, while others sent only birthday gifts. Tori's one-size-fits-all e-mail read: "Thank you for your fund-raiser/birthday contribution."
What do you think of this, Abby? How can I tactfully let my niece know that a mass mailing is no different than not being thanked at all? -- UPSET AUNTIE
DEAR AUNTIE: Say it in an e-mail. Each thank-you should be individual and personal -- and now is the time for your niece to learn this valuable lesson. Your message is an important one.
DEAR ABBY: Your column recounting timeless maxims of the now defunct Finch School for Women in New York City reminded me of more Finch wisdom -- something taught by Jessica Cosgrave, the school's founder and president when I was a student there in the '40s.
Those maxims contained the philosophy she most wanted us to remember and to be guided by. Like her school, Ms. Cosgrave is no longer in existence, but I hope you'll agree that hers is a still timely philosophy and consider sharing it with your readers:
"Thought makes action
"Action makes habit
"Habit makes character
"Character makes Destiny."
-- MARY "MIMI" KEY HENLEY, FINCH JR. COLLEGE CLASS OF '46
P.S. The Finch motto, "Ineamus Meliora," translates to: "Let Us Go On to Better Things." Your column promotes that goal by creating better understanding among people.
DEAR MARY: Thank you. Good advice, like good manners, never goes out of style. Although Ms. Cosgrave is no longer with us, she left behind a beautiful legacy.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Toast to Life Helps Widow Look for Good Times Ahead
DEAR ABBY: I know you occasionally print letters about "random acts of kindness." I'd like to share what happened to me in Albuquerque 10 years ago.
I didn't know a soul in New Mexico. I needed to be totally alone to finally acknowledge and accept the fact my husband had died.
One evening, I was in a lovely restaurant. My server placed my order, then proceeded to prepare the corner table next to me. First came a large arrangement of fresh flowers, a champagne bucket, etc. Shortly thereafter, a couple was escorted to the table. The gentleman was a famous personality. I tried to be discreet about glancing their way and wished I'd brought a book to read. I was feeling melancholy. My first vacation without my husband was not a happy one.
Evidently my demeanor was interpreted as "unhappy lady." The server appeared and said, "The couple at the corner table would like to send a glass of champagne to your table. Will that be all right with you?" I glanced at the couple; they smiled. How could I not accept their thoughtful gesture? The glass was placed on my table. I caught their eye and lifted my glass to toast them on their special occasion. The gentleman leaned over and said, "It's not a special occasion, just a celebration of life -- to the good times ahead."
Now, whenever I feel the blues coming on, I think of the "celebration of life and to the good times," and a very special couple. -- MRS. Z ON LONG ISLAND
DEAR MRS. Z: Indeed. Generous, too. People who are happy are usually inclined to spread the joy around.
DEAR ABBY: I am 36 years old. My boyfriend, "Phillip," is 44. We have been dating exclusively for almost four years. I am ready to get married and start a family.
Phillip asked me to marry him one evening a year ago. He'd had a lot to drink. There was no mention about our picking out an engagement ring. The following morning, he changed his mind and said, "That's not how I planned on doing it."
A year has passed. He hasn't asked me again. He says we should purchase a house first. We haven't looked for one because he says he's expecting a huge raise soon. We don't need his raise to qualify for a mortgage. We make plenty of money.
Abby, I want to get this show on the road. I know Phillip loves me, as I love him. But I'm getting more discouraged with each passing month. What should I do? -- RINGLESS IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR RINGLESS: Phillip may love you, but he still isn't ready to make a commitment. Have a serious and sober discussion with him and tell him exactly how you feel. You have nothing to lose by doing so.
You may discover that you and Phillip want different things from this relationship. His answers may not be what you want to hear, but four years is a long enough investment with no guarantees.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in the sixth grade. Many girls in my grade are into makeup, clothes and boys. I have just recently gotten interested in those things, too. But my friends haven't -- they couldn't care less.
Abby, what should I do? I have never been popular, and I fear that if I lose my friends, I'll be alone. I feel too mature for them, but without them, I would be totally lost. -- GROWING UP TOO FAST IN N.J.
DEAR GROWING UP TOO FAST: Be patient. Many of your friends will soon catch up with you. Those who never do will still be your friends. Make room for people who have different tastes and interests. It's called diversity. It's what makes this world an interesting -- and inclusive -- place.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)