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Freeloading Couple Are Costly Burden for Frustrated Friends
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are friends with a couple who constantly weasel out of paying their share when we socialize with them. They're part of a large group we spend time with, as opposed to one-on-one. They have good jobs, new cars, and probably more in savings than all of us other couples combined.
This couple gets a kick out of telling us that they go to happy hour at local bars to fill up on free pretzels and popcorn so they don't have to buy dinner. They also brag that they attend parties so they can eat for free.
They tell us they don't like Chinese food, but when several couples are going out for Chinese, they insist on being included. When it's time to order, they share one order of fried rice and ask to "try" each of our dishes, which winds up being a full plate of food. When the bill arrives, they pay only for their one dish of fried rice. They even joke about the fact they had sampled everyone else's food, and laughingly ask if they should pay a part of everyone's order. Of course, no one takes them up on the sarcastic offer.
The Mrs. planned a surprise birthday party for the Mister at an expensive steakhouse. When the bill arrived, she initiated the breakdown of the bill by saying, "Now you don't really have to pay for us ..." Well, not only did we pay for the "birthday boy"; the birthday party was a free meal at an expensive steakhouse for both of them.
Last month we received an invitation to their house for a holiday party. The invitation read, "Bring your favorite hors d'oeuvres and beverages." When we got the invitation, all of us laughed, saying they're the only people who could have a party at their house that would cost them nothing!
Should we stop socializing with them? My husband and I think they're nice people, but no longer feel we can subject ourselves to the unnecessary frustration every time we see them. How would this affect our relationship with the other couples? -- ALWAYS SHELLING OUT IN ARIZONA
DEAR SHELLING OUT: Nice people? Those professional freeloaders have turned taking advantage of others into an art form. Before you allow yourselves to be taken advantage of again by Mr. and Mrs. Freebie, ask yourselves what you really have in common with them. I'm betting it's very little.
As for your relationships with the other couples in the group, I'm sure that at least some of them are as fed up with the Freebies as you are and would also like to do some socializing without them.
DEAR ABBY: Everyone needs a grandmother like ours. She was 86 years old when she passed away. She was in bed the last 15 years of her life, but always had a smile on her face.
She played board games with us, and every Christmas she made all of us something. She had 60 grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I am going to miss her.
She would tell us stories of her life and raising her daughters. Boy, what a life she had!
Please tell all grandchildren to enjoy their grandparents as long as possible. Thank you. -- WESTLEY (AGE 11), SUN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR WESTLEY: What a warm and loving tribute to your grandmother. How proud she would be that you wrote about her. I hope your letter will provide an incentive to people of every age to reach out to relatives they love. They are God's gift to us, just as we are to them.
TAKING FOOD TO GRIEVING FAMILY IS NOT CUSTOMARY EVERYWHERE
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address funeral etiquette. I'm aware of how times have changed, but certain manners and traditions should continue.
When my parents died, generous friends and neighbors brought food to my family's home for all of us to share. They came and sat with us; we ate and shared comforting stories.
My husband died eight years ago. Again, I was blessed with neighbors and military friends bringing food and prepared meals.
Recently, a friend's father passed away. I knew I couldn't attend the funeral because they live thousands of miles away -- so I ordered a ham to be delivered to their home.
My friend and her family haven't stopped thanking me. I was later told that relatives arrived empty-handed. No one brought food, nor did they make an effort to go to a store to purchase any! They expected to be fed and waited on. I am so upset knowing these lazy relatives did nothing to help the widow and children.
It's terrible that people today don't think about the needs of the grieving family. -- UPSET IN OCEANSIDE, CALIF.
DEAR UPSET: Funeral traditions vary among religious and ethnic groups, not to mention geographic areas of the country. Sometimes it is expected that the family of the deceased will provide food for mourners who come to express their condolences. Sometimes fellow church members provide food. In many cases, food is brought to the grieving family by compassionate friends who realize there may be little time to prepare meals in the midst of funeral preparations.
However, your reminder is a good one. It expresses compassion and concern for people in their time of sorrow. Better to have too much comfort food on hand than too little.
DEAR ABBY: When my nieces were small, their young mother couldn't care for them. She left them with their grandmother for a number of years while she prepared to be a full-time mom. My husband and I developed a close relationship with the girls while they lived with Grandma. Today, the girls live with their mommy and her new, and very kind, husband.
Unfortunately, Mommy is a chronic -- if not pathological -- liar. Every time we chat with the girls, they innocently repeat another of their mother's outrageous lies. Normally I say nothing. But the other day, "Sheila," the younger girl, told me she was mad at Grandma for having taken Mommy to court to get custody of them. I told Sheila she was mistaken; Grandma never took Mommy to court. But Sheila insisted it was true, because Mommy said so. It's not the first time Mommy has told the kids a story that makes Grandma look like "the bad guy."
My husband says the kids will eventually catch on to Mommy's lying, and I should keep quiet. However, I hate to let the kids believe this hateful lie and remain angry with Grandma. She is elderly and may not be around by the time the truth comes out.
What should I say or do when the girls talk about "the custody battle" or any other lies making Grandma look bad? -- BITING MY TONGUE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BITING: Don't pit the children against their mother, but do correct them by explaining that Mommy is "mistaken."
Later, when they find out that Mommy can't be trusted, they will know they can talk to you when they need to hear the truth.
P.S. Consider talking privately with their mother and explaining how hurtful and destructive her remarks are to family unity. If she's having trouble handling her guilt for past behavior, she should consult a professional rather than lie to her children.
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WIDOWER DAD APPEARS TO BE SHIFTING HIS FAMILY ALLEGIANCE
DEAR ABBY: Six years ago my mother died. A year after that, our father met a lady, "Alice," who made him very happy. My sister and I loved her from the start; our brother did not. Father has been engaged to this lovely lady for three years with our blessing.
Our brother decided that Dad had no right to happiness and has disowned the family over "that woman." We have all accepted our brother's decision not to be a part of the family.
The problem is, as time has gone on, our father spends less and less time with his children and grandchildren -- who all live in the same town -- and more and more time with her children and grandchildren. Dad now knows her granddaughter better than his own great-grandchildren.
During the past two years, he has spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas with her children. Dad and Alice show up to spend an hour or two with our side of the family for these holidays, and then leave for her children's home to celebrate. We had mentioned very early in the year that our family would like them to join us for at least one of the holiday dinners.
In short, this is my and my sister's dilemma: We lost our mother, we have lost our brother, and now we feel we are losing our father. We don't know how to broach the subject without causing hard feelings on the part of Dad's fiancee. We do love Alice; she has made our dad very happy. But this is beginning to cause resentment from my sister, our children, grandchildren and me.
How do we get them to understand that they need to give our family equal time without causing a rift? We love both Dad and Alice, and don't want our family splintered any more than it is. -- FAMILY TIES, TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR FAMILY TIES: I think you've said it very well. Tell your dad and his fiancee exactly what you have told me. (If you feel unable to honestly express your feelings, then clip this column and give it to them.) You and your sister are not asking too much. In fairness to all concerned, an adjustment needs to be made.
Invite Alice's family to join your family for one, warm, blended family event. Life is too short to feel resentful.
DEAR ABBY: I can top "Mystified in Fort Worth," who was shocked at an offering basket put out to defray the cost of an anniversary party.
Last year, a neighbor went door-to-door inviting people to a "Millennium New Year's Eve party." She and her husband were charging $230 per couple. She said that was a fair price to ask, since it was less than some of the fancy hotels were charging for a New Year's Eve party.
As it turned out, they had a dozen guests or so, some inexpensive entertainment and decor, and a catered meal. But nothing could top the look on those paying "guests'" faces when in walked a bride and groom -- and those poor souls realized they had been duped into paying for a wedding reception for the host's son! While it's the rudest thing I've ever heard of, it's so outrageous we're still laughing about it. I swear this is a true story. -- ALMOST SCAMMED IN SCOTTSDALE
DEAR SCAMMED: Your letter qualifies for Ripley's Believe It or Not. I applaud you for laughing at the outrageous situation.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)